z

Young Writers Society


18+ Violence

Williwaw Chapter 4

by Messenger


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.

"I'm working on a new necklace," Carris said, downing the last of her sandwich, following it with a sip of water. She placed the cup on the table and sat back in her chair. "It's coming along quite well." 

Gwyn leaned forward a little, putting her arms on the table. "Really? Can I see?" Her eyes sparkled in the flickering candlelight. 

So much prettier than a dull grey. "Yeah! It's in my room." 

Carris returned in a minute, carrying what was the start of the necklace on a bronze chain, as well as a clay jar that she placed on the table.

 "So, for this one, I thought I would do an amber theme," she said, tipping the jar over. 

 A dozen coin-shaped stones rolled out. Each one a hue of honey-brown or amber. Gwyn snatched a particular stone that had a sliver of the honey shade that pierced the darker colors and held it up to the candle to get a better look.

"Wow! This is pretty, Carris. Where'd you find it?" 

"Along the creek, down near the pool. It took me all day to get the dozen on the chain" Carris said, holding it up for Gwyn to see. "This is what I have so far." 

The dozen stones looped onto the chain thus far fell to the middle as she held it up from both ends. "It's a bit heavy, so I made need to space them out and glue them, rather than simply tying knots on the ends," she said, furrowing her brow. 

Gwyn's gaze became transfixed on the chain and her eyes ever widened. "It's so pretty Carris! You're so good at this! You'll make it to the Royal City. They'd be ridiculous to not accept you as a designer." 

Carris laughed, setting the chain down. "Come now Gwyn, let's be honest. It takes me far too long to make these. And I'm sure there are designers much better and more talented than me." She slumped back in the chair. Not to mention they're not stuck on a mountainside. 

Gwyn waved her hands in dismissal. "If it's your job though, you can focus on just that. After all, you won't be doing your own laundry. And, none of the people who work for the king or queen, or any of their advisors started out as master designers."

Carris shrugged. "Maybe," she said in a soft tone. 

Gwyn clapped her hands. "Okay, enough of that," she said, scooping the stones back into the jar. She smiled. "Just don't forget about me when you're rich and famous."

Carris attempted a smile and said with a hushed, fierce tone that had just a hint of play to it, "Never." 

Gwyn nodded once. "Then it's settled. Now, I have to get back home. Mom hasn't been feeling well, and the last thing she needs to do is deal with a whiny baby like Jacob."

She rose from the table, wiping the crumbs from the sandwiches off the table and gathering up her basket. Carris rose as well as they embraced. "You're a good person Gwyn. Never change." 

Gwyn smiled, eyes dancing in the dim light. How did they always do that? She said a final goodbye and was gone. Carris returned to her seat, arms crossed as she eyed the half-made necklace. Who am I kidding? Royal designer? Yeah right. 

The door to the cabin crashed open and in stormed her mom. Carris jolted in her seat at the sudden entrance. She put a hand to her heart. "Mom, really?" she said in an annoyed tone.

Her mom turned to her, jaw set tight, her lips pursed. "Don't you 'mom' me," she said, doing her best Carris impersonation that sounded more like an old hag than a young woman. She wiped a stray strand of hair from her face and slammed the door shut.

Just say go to bed. "Mom, what's wrong?" Carris offered up. Maybe being interested would work better than getting upset.

"Some filthy excuse for a merchant swiped my coin bag, that's what's wrong!" her mom exploded. "Shimmied right up to me, pretending to be selling scarves. Next thing I know he's nowhere to be found and I've lost my whole night's wage." 

Carris sighed. Not again. 

"But I tell you what," her mom rambled on, pointing a skinny finger at Carris, "no one steals from Sandra Flanagan and gets away with it!" 

Carris shook her head as she collected her necklace and jar. "Never heard that before."

"What, did you just say to me?" Sandra said, in a shrill tone, just above a whisper, but with all the fierceness of a dragon. 

I said that out loud? Great. "Nothing mom," Carris said, avoiding eye contact as she brushed past her mom on the way to her room. Maybe if she got to it befo-

"You mocking me, girl?" Sandra said, putting her hands on her hips. 

Carris paused, not sure if she should, or if her mom, in fact, wanted an answer. 

"Because I swear, the lack of respect you have for your mother is unbelievable."

Here we go. Carris turned to face her mother as the tirade continued. She could smell the alcohol.

"I mean I raised you, I give you shelter and food, I provide for this family, and you have the audacity to mock my work. Just like your father."

That's it. "Oh stop it, Mom," Carris growled. "Do not make this about you. You do not provide like that. I make the meals, I clean the cabin, I don't lose my money to every sleazy man that comes through this miserable mess of a town!"  

Sandra rolled her eyes and waved her hands in the air, in some form of mockery Carris supposed, as her cheeks filled with color and she slit her eyes. "You mean the three coins you make a week by doing laundry?" Sandra laughed, her head tilting back in a high-pitched giggle. 

"And being a harlot is so much more respectable!" Carris shot back. Too far. 

The slap caught Carris off guard and she stumbled back into the clothesline as tears sprung to her eyes. Sandra jabbed her finger at Carris.

"You think you're so righteous. Just wait till you get abandoned by a good-for-nothing soldier who leaves you with a stupid kid," she said, spittle forming at the corners of her mouth. 

Carris's lip quivered and she fought the beating in her chest, trying to keep a brave face. "That's all I am to you? Just a stupid kid? What did I do to deserve that?" Carris said, voice cracking under the tension. "I've never done anything but tried to make this work. I didn't make the mistake to sleep with every soldier in town, you did, so you can call me stupid, you can hate me, but you can never put your lack of character on me," Carris said.

And with that, she stormed by her mom and out into the cold, slamming the door behind her. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

It wasn't until she was near the creek bank that Carris realized she was gripping tightly to the jar and necklace on her left hand. She let out a growl. No way I'm going back in there, she thought as she looked back in the direction of the cabin. She stood in the silence for a minute, taking in the gentle whistle of the chilly breeze that swept through her blond hair, and the creak of tree branches in response. Ignoring the cold, Carris took in several deep breaths, closing her eyes and allowing herself to calm down. 

Something about the outdoors tamed Carris. She wasn't sure what it was. Perhaps the lack of human noise and clatter, especially at this late hour? Or perhaps the feeling of being alone in a beautiful landscape with no pressure from anyone to do anything but take in the grandeur of it all? Maybe the silence as nature slept was enough to do the trick? Whatever it was, a wave of calm swept over Carris as she stood there along the bank, eyes closed.

Then there was a screech. Carris's eyes shot open. It sounded as if it was coming from the woods across the creek, facing Carris. She peered into the darkness, ears alert. Nothing. Going crazy Carris? 

She turned to go, where she wasn't entirely sure. Definitely not the cabin. Not yet. She would wait until her mother collapsed from drunkenness. She began to walk along the bank, her boots crunching softly in the snow. She kept her arms tucked tight together, trying to keep in what body heat she could. She kicked a stone over the bank and it smacked the frozen creek, ricocheting with a melodic sound and ... a yell? 

Carris twisted back towards she had been before. She could see nothing but...

The third time the shout was audible and sounded much closer than what Carris had heard before. But it wasn't a cry for help. The tone carried something much more sinister. A shout full of excitement and adrenaline, with just a hint of menace. 

There was a snap of a branch and then the shattering of ice followed by a splash and a grunt. Carris could just make out a dark figuring climbing over her side of the creek bank. Across the creek, small lights were starting to appear. A gust of wind blew through the air and the lights danced like madmen.

The figure was on his feet now, not more than thirty feet to Carris's left. He was making his way toward Potter's Creek at a dead sprint, completely unaware of Carris who stood still, clutching the jar in her hands. She hesitated as he disappeared into the darkness as the lights got closer and closer until they reached the edge of the creek. Now Carris got a look at them. A dozen or so men, dressed in thick wool jerkins and coats, brandishing axes, spears, and longswords. Behind them strode a figure much taller, much darker. His entire body was protected by a suit of ink black armor, and in the torchlight, a set of pale white horns adorning his helmet jutted to the sky. 

"This can't be good," Carris whispered to herself, heart beginning to race again.

One of the figures pointed at her with his spear. "Look! A villager. Let's take her boys!" he practically howled, and the entire group chorused agreement with a yell. 

Carris gulped. "This is so not good." 


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Sat Sep 30, 2023 8:44 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Ok chapter four let's go! We are indeed on a Carris chapter, so that makes the flow of this make sense.

It's certainly helpful to learn more about Carris' surrounding characters and her living situation too. This is a really good chapter for deepening the characterisation for Carris. I love that she has a hobby of making jewellery. I'm hoping that skill will be something that comes back later. It's not a necessity, but I do love a call back to little things like this!

The relationship with her mother is sad, and a little heartbreaking but I think it does a lot to define who Carris is and then also who she will become. It also means that her relationship with Gwyn is all the more important because it's probably the only good/healthy one she has!

One of the figures pointed at her with his spear. "Look! A villager. Let's take her boys!" he practically howled, and the entire group chorused agreement with a yell.

I think you need a comma before boys - otherwise he's taking her boys and I wondered who her boys were xD

See you for the next part!

Icy




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Thu Sep 21, 2023 11:10 pm
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AmayaStatham wrote a review...



Hey, Messenger!



Image

Rinisha is back here and ready to review 📚!

I’m going to keep it short alright!✨

All in all

This party rocked, let's take a quick look!

I like the fact that you introduced some kind of little hobby of Carris. I really do hope she makes it in one kind of way to become a fashion designer, I would be crazy not to recruit her. I mean the way you described it seemed nice for that time. Well, it wasn't really a pleasure meeting Carris’s mother. She seems so mean, maybe it’s because she’s tired of working. Or she hates her job and takes it out of Carris.

I do think that Carris does not deserve to be called a stupid child. (Once again, you did great there making her mother seem like the evil step-mother of Cinderella. Yep, it took me back.)

The ending is very nice, I mean your cliffhangers are not getting old, dude. Good job!

Spoiler! :

I do wonder what happened to Private Devlin, I think time will tell. Gotta check out chapter five soon, to see if he’s back. You know what I just realised, Devlin was going towards Potters creek too, right? Maybe he crosses paths and meets Carris at some point in the series. (No spoilers though! This is just me making up random theories.) Or maybe he saves her from those weird groups of soldier guys. OMG, I hope they don’t kill her mom. I mean she’s not nice, but she doesn't deserve to die.



Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Rinisha
– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉




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Tue May 25, 2021 10:02 am
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Mm, good development so far. I'm starting to like this. Here's my feedback for this chapter.

A dozen coin-shaped stones rolled out. Each one a hue of honey-brown or amber

Cut the fullstop, replace it with a comma. "Each one a hue of honey-brown or amber" is a fragment of a sentence.

You've admirably depicted Carris' emotions in a realistic way and also showed the audience what kind of conflict she has going on with her mother. That could have been a little stronger:
"I've never done anything but tried to make this work. I didn't make the mistake to sleep with every soldier in town, you did, so you can call me stupid, you can hate me, but you can never put your lack of character on me," Carris said.

The dialogue here was great, but it ended so weakly! Why did you write, "said" instead of "yelled" or "shouted"? Those would have been so much stronger. And there shouldn't have been a comma at the end end of the sentence, it ought to have been an exclamation mark. All these little things are what make the dialogue so much stronger than it normally is.

Something about the outdoors tamed Carris. She wasn't sure what it was. Perhaps the lack of human noise and clatter, especially at this late hour? Or perhaps the feeling of being alone in a beautiful landscape with no pressure from anyone to do anything but take in the grandeur of it all? Maybe the silence as nature slept was enough to do the trick? Whatever it was, a wave of calm swept over Carris as she stood there along the bank, eyes closed.

I enjoyed this passage quite a lot. It's soothing to read, gives us insight into Carris' character, and also helps build an image of the location. Good job.

Then there was a screech. Carris's eyes shot open. It sounded as if it was coming from the woods across the creek, facing Carris.

I'm assuming someone was killed, hurt, or startled, because if that's the sound of the Sadarians it makes no sense. Why would they announce their presence to the villagers?

Oh, and now we know it's Potter's Creek for sure. Like I mentioned in my previous review, that should have been clarified in the previous chapter. Even so, the build up of tension was done just right. the way you drew Carris out of her house to allow her to see the attack was a steady transition with no rough patches. Nicely done.

One of the figures pointed at her with his spear. "Look! A villager. Let's take her boys!" he practically howled, and the entire group chorused agreement with a yell.

Carris gulped. "This is so not good."

Forgive me for saying so, but this ending felt very bland. She's being faced down by bandits, and she just says, "This is so not good"? That doesn't seem realistic, and it makes the whole scene feel goofy more than anything. It's a poor close to what was an exciting sequence. Besides, the dialogue itself feels rather cliche.

Even so, as a whole the story can still stand on its own feet and I shall definitely resume reading whenever I can. I anticipate what is coming.

~ Lee




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Tue Feb 11, 2020 9:56 pm
Lib says...



Gwyn is an angel and that is a fact, hands down.

Oh her mom. >.> Just leave, Carris, go to Gywn's or something. You're better off there. At least you won't be slapped. *wince*

Ah, new people. Many men. A villager, in other words, Carris. This really is so not good.

Anyway, overall, this seemed like a very interestingly realistic chapter. Carris's emotions were shown well, and I really like that! Well done!




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Tue Jan 01, 2019 7:25 am
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey Mess,

Shady back with another review, as promised! I'm really liking how your story is picking up speed, and how you're doing such a good job of advancing the plot with each chapter -- even if it's just working on deepening the characterization. It's vital to making a great story, and I'm already starting to feel a connection to your characters -- especially Carris -- which is great. On to the review for this chapter...

Gwyn waved her hands in dismissal. "If it's your job though, you can focus on just that. After all, you won't be doing your own laundry. And, none of the people who work for the king or queen, or any of their advisors started out as master designers."


Aww, +100 friend points to Gwyn. I have decided for sure that I most definitely like this character xD She is so adorable and so encouraging and is shaping up to be an excellent supporting character. I'm super glad that Carris has her :)

Carris paused, not sure if she should, or if her mom, in fact, wanted an answer.


I think? you're probably missing a word here. "Not sure if she should" what, exactly? Should just go on to bed? Should let it be? Not entirely sure what you're going for here, but I suspect you want to add in another word or two, to make this clearer.

Carris's lip quivered and she fought the beating in her chest, trying to keep a brave face.


Aww, Carris, baby <3 Go live with Gwyn. I don't like your mom anymore than I like Malcolm, at this point.

Carris gulped. "This is so not good."


Haha, aw. I know that this is a really Not Good situation for Carris, but the way I'm envisioning her reaction in my mind it's really adorable and really comical. Probably because I already spoiled this tension a bit for myself by reading later and seeing that she's not captured (at least permanently) by these ruffians.

~ ~ ~

Overall, this was another really great chapter! As heartbreaking as Carris's relationship with her mother is, you wrote it very well. I could very much envision the scene with the small details that you added in, which just increased the tension that much more.

And then storming outside and trying to calm down, just very realistic feeling. The suspense at the end of this chapter was good. I mean, obviously I kind of expected the soldiers to show up, from Devlin's heavy foreshadowing a few chapters back, but this was still tense and scary and if I didn't already know what happens in the later chapters then I would be really anxious for her right now.

Even as it is, I'm eager to read on! So I'll go do that now...

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Mon Jul 30, 2018 8:40 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Okay, might not finish this one tonight because I'm teetering on the edge of burnout and this is a slightly longer chapter, but let's see what happens.

Nit-picks:

downing the last of her sandwich

Does one "down" a sandwich. Maybe "gulp down" but I think straight up "down" is more of a liquid thing. Like, y'know, "Down it, fresher!"

It took me all day to get the dozen on the chain" Carris said

Just a missed comma before the speech marks.

After all, you won't be doing your own laundry.

Wait, is she getting a maid? That seems like a steep step up, and seems like an odd thing to focus on since at this point I'm sure Carris would be happy just with doing only her own laundry.

"You're a good person Gwyn. Never change."

There should be a comma before "Gwyn". Also I had a bit in a review from Pan about how often people actually use each other's names when they're talking, and I've realised it's a lot less than how much people are written to.

Overall:

Okay, first thing I want to mention is that I think Carris's mother is a bit cartoonish. You're already playing into a stereotype of women who have a lot of sex being unfit mothers, and then you make her almost unbelievably uncaring and irresponsible. It seems unlikely that she was always this way, and I can easily imagine her having become bitter at the world, but people are not born monsters, and it feels unrealistic to have a mother who is just Horrible(tm).

Other than that though, this is a pretty good chapter. The suspense is introduced well at the end, though like Blue said it would have been nice to get to Carris and Devlin meeting. Personally I'm satisfied that these are the same enemies so I'm just good with the two stories tying into each other, if not the two main characters. But maybe there could be a chapter 4.2?

I really like the relationship between Carris and Gwyn, as it shows me that there is some good in her life, which helps it be more realistic in comparison to the cartoonish mum. The talk of the palace also introduces stakes, and the thought of harm coming to Gwyn is super not fun, so that makes the jeopardy more intense. I guess I'll see what the fallout of this setup is in the next chapter.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




Messenger says...


thanks Bisc! I'll definitely make a note about her mom. She is bitter at life, and there's a lot that goes into it. this isn't really a spoiler so I'll let you in on what I know. She had Carris with a soldier who she put her trust in, then he ditched her, left her and so she kind of hates men/soldiers in general. So she had to provide for Carris by herself, then the war started and a lot of business left Potter's Creek. THEN (okay this is kinda spoiler) she ha a fling with Malcolm and that caused a falling out with Carris who kind of found them together. It's also why Malcolm hates Carris sorryimabouttotellyouwaytoomuch) basically She feels like everyone including Carris has screwed her over. But anyway.

The next chapter will kinda be a 4.2. prolly won't call it that because of my number so far 1,2,3,4 but I'm thinking it will be switching between Dev and Carris.



ExOmelas says...


wait wasn't Malcolm like Carris's age? I thought he was like a kid



Messenger says...


malcolm's dad o.O



ExOmelas says...


oooooooookay. *sighs with relief*



Messenger says...


hahaha I'm sorry XD That would be a problem



Messenger says...


hahaha I'm sorry XD That would be a problem



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Sun Jul 29, 2018 8:37 am
Swetachowdhury0 wrote a review...



Hii, welcome to you. I hope you enjoy it here.

I love the story. and it was really very catching. I love the way you explained it. I like the way you described about carris necklace making part. How she is unsure whether it will work or not.

Overall i find it good. They storyline is also matching from the last part. And the way you show her and her mother relationship. It was good , i didnt felt like leaving in between.

Keep it up. Your work is amazing.update soon. Its my opinion so, dont mind it. If anything hurt you just ignore it.




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Sun Jul 29, 2018 1:21 am
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Her eyes sparkled in the flickering candlelight.

So much prettier than a dull grey.


I'm a hundred percent sure the story is not going to go this way, but I ship it.

I mean.

"Just don't forget about me when you're rich and famous."

Carris attempted a smile and said with a hushed, fierce tone that had just a hint of play to it, "Never."

...Carris rose as well as they embraced. "You're a good person Gwyn. Never change."

Gwyn smiled, eyes dancing in the dim light. How did they always do that?


Carris is totally in love with Gwyn and hasn't even realized it I will die on this hill

*brushes self off*
Ahem.
Anyway.

Not much else to say about this one, since it's mostly a continuation of the last. I remembered that Carris' mother was mentioned in the previous section in a not-good way, and it was clear that Carris, not her mother, was the primary breadwinner of the family. I thought the fight that led to Carris seeing figures out on the creek would finally launch us into Carris meeting Devlin, but...nope, not yet, it seems. Oh, well.

I did like seeing Carris' necklace-making and getting this clue as to what she wants out of life and what she hopes for. She might not be confident in her abilities, but at least she has a dream and she's got Gwyn to encourage her If Devlin weren't in the picture at all, I'd assume the story was going to start out by following her as she finally decided to break away from her mother and head to some large city of the realm to work at becoming a master, and later on some dangerous Plot would emerge.

But we've seen Devlin and these freaky attackers, so I'm really not sure what's going to happen at all.

Last thing, a question: Why didn't Carris hide when she noticed these strange and freaky figures all headed her way? Is she out in the open with no trees or anything nearby? If so, it would help to mention that.




Messenger says...


Hey Blue thanks for such a fast review :D

I will say that I really wanted to make this chapter long enough to have Carris and Devlin meet (and they were supposed to) but I was reeeeeally struggling to put words on paper xD the guy who runs past the creek first is Devlin and I was going to have them meet right after this.

As far as Carris not hiding, when Devlin runs by he completely misses her since he has no light. She's really not sure what's going on, so she just hides in the shadows. But then yknow they have torches so she kind of screwed up there. (but don't worry she'll be fine >.> :P)




Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.
— Neil Gaiman