Hey Ark, So overall I think this poem/song doesn't have as much of a purpose as it should. It gets better near the end, and I can really pick up what sort of tone you were going for, or at least one that I can come up with. Near the beginning, the words you're putting together in pairs are predictable and mundane however, so I almost feel like there's no invitation to the story.When we get to the second stanza, we start to get an idea of what sort of message/story this poem/song is trying to convey, someone down on their luck who's having to cut ties with everyone they used to know, however, in the first stanza, it's very heavily packed with idioms that just don't mean that much on their own. If you gave us some sort of voice, some sort of main speaker back there, in the first stanza, I think you'd have a better poem because it would introduce us to the person. Look at popular music you like right now. Most of the time they're framed like a conversation. They introduce the subject, and then beat it to death going into how that's actually related to them. This particular lyric that you've got here doesn't do that. Instead, your first section is just about these idioms. I'd suggest rewriting the first stanza to include the speaker in some sort of way, just to tie in things like how pink relates to cutting things lose, stuff like that, and I think that'll help introduce the lyrics in a more interesting way.
I would love to hear this sung - it's beautiful!
Hi Lareine! Niteowl here to review these lovely lyrics! Overall, I really like this. It sounds really nice and has a solid theme about moving forward to an uncertain future. Just a few comments.
gotta cut 'em offor else you're going softthe ones you hold aloft willbe the ones you want
everyone is passing,everyone is lasting through the time they're given
the paper's turning blankthe future's a mistakeif you can't improvise your lines you're
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