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by Vervain

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806 Reviews

Points: 1883
Reviews: 806

Wed Mar 23, 2016 6:54 pm
Aley wrote a review...

Hey Ark,

So overall I think this poem/song doesn't have as much of a purpose as it should. It gets better near the end, and I can really pick up what sort of tone you were going for, or at least one that I can come up with. Near the beginning, the words you're putting together in pairs are predictable and mundane however, so I almost feel like there's no invitation to the story.

When we get to the second stanza, we start to get an idea of what sort of message/story this poem/song is trying to convey, someone down on their luck who's having to cut ties with everyone they used to know, however, in the first stanza, it's very heavily packed with idioms that just don't mean that much on their own. If you gave us some sort of voice, some sort of main speaker back there, in the first stanza, I think you'd have a better poem because it would introduce us to the person. Look at popular music you like right now. Most of the time they're framed like a conversation. They introduce the subject, and then beat it to death going into how that's actually related to them.

This particular lyric that you've got here doesn't do that. Instead, your first section is just about these idioms. I'd suggest rewriting the first stanza to include the speaker in some sort of way, just to tie in things like how pink relates to cutting things lose, stuff like that, and I think that'll help introduce the lyrics in a more interesting way.

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49 Reviews

Points: 3000
Reviews: 49

Thu Mar 03, 2016 4:48 am
wakarimasen says...

I would love to hear this sung - it's beautiful! :)

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1238 Reviews

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Reviews: 1238

Wed Mar 02, 2016 1:16 am
niteowl wrote a review...

Hi Lareine! Niteowl here to review these lovely lyrics!

Overall, I really like this. It sounds really nice and has a solid theme about moving forward to an uncertain future. Just a few comments.

gotta cut 'em off
or else you're going soft
the ones you hold aloft will
be the ones you want

Okay, so the rhyme scheme doesn't have to be perfect (I'll forgive the use of time twice in the first verse because the English language is so cruel in that many important words have few rhymes :P), but "want" doesn't seem to fit at all. This verse seems to be about cutting out people that are holding you back, so the phrase doesn't make sense in that context.

everyone is passing,
everyone is lasting through the time they're given

I like this idea, but it doesn't seem to fit in the rhythm where you have it in the second chorus. I would maybe move it to the bridge or one of the end choruses?

the paper's turning blank
the future's a mistake
if you can't improvise your lines you're

Is a word missing or was this intentional? It's honestly hard to tell sometimes.

A general comment: When I read this out loud, I tend to say "horizon, 'rizon." It's also worth noting (if you haven't already), that 'rizon sounds like "rising", so again, maybe that was intentional. Overall, I really liked this. Great job and keep writing! :D

A beautiful funeral doesn't guarantee Heaven.
— Haitian Proverb