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Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Melt - 2.1 - Followers

by Vervain


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

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1081 Reviews


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Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:21 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here for a review!

Apologies that I'm so late to the party, but I'm here now. I finally made it past the first chapter! I love that the chapters are divided into different parts and have so many details within those parts, though something that I've been wondering is how it would look in actual novel form. Would you just let it alone and let the chapter keep flowing without saying "Chapter 2.1" or instead would you actually put something of that sort? I know that I've been sort of reviewing them as chapters in themselves, but I'd like to know that, I guess.

In this chapter, we see that there's a new POV! And that's Evan. As far as I remember, we haven't encountered this character before, or this is our first sight and impression of them, but they could have been mentioned earlier in the story and I'm just forgetting. You definitely do a good job differentiating her voice compared to the others in the story, particularly Lilli. The first paragraph does feel a little awkward, and I think that's how it's worded. "god**** anywhere" in the last line is particularly what I'm talking about.

There are a lot of questions that we have about Evan, especially since she was just introduced into the story, and you do a good job at filling them throughout the chapter so that we're wondering about things like 'Why would her father want to kill her?' and other things of that sort. I already read the response you sent to Lauren, or at least some of it, so now I know that Cate is Evan's aunt! I've been sort of assuming that Evan knows more about Moths and the Agents than Lilli, since it sort of seems like she was raised on it? It could be the opposite and she could be in the same position as Lilli, but I still assume that they're both around the same age or that Evan is a little bit older. That's about the most I read because I don't want the mystery to be ruined for me, because I get awfully excited when I go into a new chapter.

We see later on in the chapter that Evan is sort of playing around with metal and different materials, trying to make it into a disk form. I'm sort of wondering if this is the sort of magic we're going to see throughout the story at this point, or at least some of it? It seems that changing metals or materials into something else is what Evan is doing at this point, but I'm not quite sure yet. More specifically, there are a lot of mentions of heat which may also be involved with this sort of magic or whatever Evan's using, but at this point it's a little blurry. Evan can also, run through walls. We see that in some way, Evan and Cate both work together?

Now that it's been revealed that Cate is Evan's daughter, I'm wondering if this has to do with the whole family being involved with this sort of thing, or if it's just them. Near the end of the chapter, you use 'the anarchists', which I'm not sure if Evan is referring to the antagonists of the story or what, because the 'a' isn't capitalized and that's usually used to signify that it's something important. It could also not be important and I'm just digging too deep into things. Who knows. This makes for quite an interesting chapter and adds more mystery to the novel as well as giving us a bit more answers to our questions.

I hope I helped and have a great day! If you have any questions, feel free to ask!




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Sun Feb 12, 2017 3:42 pm
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Lauren2010 wrote a review...



Lareine! <3

MAGIC. Alright, I knew this was a fantasy but man. I dig this system of magic presumably based in manipulating manmade (or just any?) materials. Evan running through the walls in the apartments was a clever, interesting scene that did a good job of showing these skills of hers. You could even expand that scene, use it to greater effect.

Usually when novels switch perspective characters suddenly, it annoys me or doesn't feel earned. But here it's pretty natural. We go from Lilli to the girl she saw fall, which makes a lot of sense, and I'm eager to see how these two characters continue to intertwine.

My biggest question here was about the relationship between Evan and Cate. Evan addresses Cate by her first name, so I can only imagine they are either allies or enemies. Allies makes more sense, considering Evan calls her Cate and not Moth or Agent Moth or Detective Moth. Yet, all we get is this line about Evan seeing one of Cate's subordinates. It seems like if Evan is going to reference Cate so specifically and familiarly we need a little more right here about their relationship. Does it put Evan in danger for Cate's people to see her? Is it helpful for her? A minor inconvenience? Making this clearer will only help to build a stronger connection between your two perspectives.

I also want to encourage you to think about the ways your characters address each other in general. The other time I was thrown by first-name-use was when Lilli was on the train with the man helping to re-home her. There are a lot of children/teens calling adults by their first names, and adults talking very casually (even non-relatives) to teens that struck me as odd or unnatural. The ways characters talk to each other is a strong, and simple way to build character and relationships in a more subtle way.

Finally, this paragraph really confused me:

Someone tapped her on the shoulder. She twisted around to see her shadow peeling off the wall—her arm swung around, she slammed her soft concrete against his skin, she pulled her hand away, and then she ran.

I just have no idea what's happening here. Did her shadow tap her on the shoulder? Is it someone else following her? Does she hit her shadow or a person with the concrete? Slow this down and be really clear about the action. It sounds like an interesting exchange that shows us more about Evan's magical abilities, but right now it's more confusing than anything else.

All in all, I'm already interested in reading more about Evan. You have two compelling characters so far, which is hard to balance in a multiple perspective novel. You're off to a great start!

Keep writing!

--Lauren




Vervain says...


Hello again!

I know there's a certain degree of death of the author when it comes to reviewing things, but considering there are questions I can clear up here and then try to clear up in my writing...haha.

First, Evan calls Cate by her first name because Cate's her aunt. (There's family politics there that we'll get into when we meet the rest of Evan's family -- her father used to be the family's liaison with the police, but then Cate got promoted and took over that position.) The Moths are a fairly large family with sprawling arms, mainly because (as will be revealed) they've been in political control of the abnormal people of the city for two hundred years. Thus, family politics and whatnot, and thus the development of resistance groups such as the modern-day anarchists seeking to overthrow them AND the American government. Work your way up, I guess?

But yeah, when I'm going through and editing I'll have to add a bit more on that -- she's peeved that she saw one of Cate's subordinates in the crowd because it means her aunt will know it was her who caused that scene, and in turn that means her father will know. She's just a teenager who doesn't want to get in trouble.

Honestly, a lot of the interaction between teenage and adult characters is based off actual interactions I had throughout high school and now in my young adult life in the workplace. There's never been a lot of hierarchy in my life, as far as addressing people goes -- you can tell I don't work in an office, haha. All of my therapists and social workers in the past requested I call them by their first names, probably to foster some sense of comfort, so it only makes sense to me that Gideon do the same to try and calm Lilli down about this big change -- as for Lilli calling Cate by her first name, that's just discomfort with the idea of calling someone "mom". And Evan's called her Aunt Cate (when her father liked his little sister) or just Cate (after her promotion) her entire life anyway. So I don't know, it makes sense to me, I'll just have to try and get that onto the page.

I'll definitely have to slow that part down to figure it out.

Thanks again!



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Sat Feb 11, 2017 8:53 am
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Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here to review (or compliment, because it seems like a larger part here)! :D

Evan pressed herself against a wall until the anarchists passed her by. Her chest was full of fireflies bumping up against her ribs, her lungs were tight—too tight—but she couldn’t let herself breathe until the last hobnailed footstep echoed off the concrete and she was safe. Safe! Like anyone could be safe on the poor side of the city, like anyone could be safe after running two miles in record time trying to lose the people tailing her. If they’d follow her out a window, they’d follow her goddamn anywhere.


I have read the previous chapters, but my memory's kind of fuzzy. I remember this part though! So we're focusing on Evan, the girl Lily saw fell from the building and left unharmed... Her PoV must be interesting because not only she has an unusually durable body, the motive of doing so is also a mystery. She's running away from the people, here. All right.

They way she describes her aunt is also interesting. So the abilities runs from the family? I'm guessing it does. Father seems like a strict parent.

Evan kneaded her hand impatiently into the cheap concrete wall. It didn’t have the same give and take as stone, and it was grainier. The people who made these walls didn’t care about them. She pulled a glob away and rolled it between her hands into a rough, imperfect sphere that she could play with as she tried to find her way out.


Umm, what? o.o The only way Evan can take a part of the wall is either because the wall is unbelievably fragile, or because it's part of her ability. I'm guessing it's the latter. Concrete wall, even the cheap one, is too sturdy for a human, unless it's fresh, which doesn't seem the case here.

I'm thinking the government knows about people like her, and that's why they've been making others feel they delude themselves with the memory of a fallen girl who leaves unharmed. I wonder why she has to make a funeral, though? I'm sure the government knows she's still alive, and if they persuade others to think the event isn't happening, then no one will know about her doing it, which makes a funeral unnecessary. Perhaps I'm missing something here; if so, kindly enlighten me. c:

Evan squished the ball of concrete in her hands and flattened it into a disk. It was so malleable, so easy to deform, not like metal or sand or glass. Metal wanted to stay its own shape unless it got too hot, sand was too thin and tricky to work with, and glass only ever wanted to melt. Concrete was eager to please, ready to take whatever form she wanted it to.


Definitely her ability. I can see its connection with the novel title now, but I don't have enough information to really understand it. I guess I should keep reading this! c:

I notice you love repetition, and if so, high five! I think it's one of the details in your writing style that makes it distinctly yours.

She twisted her hand into the metal of the fire escape. All it wanted to do was flake with rust, but she pushed enough heat into it to make it sag under her weight. Thirty feet. Almost around the corner.


Another clue of her ability! So, um, I guess it's obvious now that she can create heat and manipulate it the way she wants, which she showcases by manipulating the fire escape (I have to search that up, doesn't know its function and name x.x). It still doesn't explain how she remains unharmed though, so, continue reading! :D

Someone tapped her on the shoulder. She twisted around to see her shadow peeling off the wall—her arm swung around, she slammed her soft concrete against his skin, she pulled her hand away, and then she ran.


Surprise! While these actions are imaginable and believable, I think putting them all in the second sentence is too much and run-on (I think that's the word...). I would suggest breaking the sentence into shorter ones, as they'd bring the fast pace needed from an action-y scene.

Knife into waistband, body through wall, down another fire escape, lather, rinse, repeat until her chest slammed into someone three times her size and she bounced back flat on her ass.


Lel, the last part is humorous.

She was pretty sure none of the anarchists could have, but she couldn’t keep track of all their powers with how their membership was always shifting, growing, shrinking.


The anarchists have powers too. -.-' This disappoints me somehow, because I've imagining them as normal humans, just a lot crueller. More intriguing things though! I wonder what differentiates them with Evan.

Suz turned to the nearest doorway, letting herself shrink back to her usual height, still a head taller than Evan.


I need to keep track of the abilities. So Evan can melt things if they are suitable, some of the anarchists can blend into shadows, and Suz can change her body height. On top of that, Evan has super durable body. Now, I don't mind seeing all of them at once, but it would be nice to have a tad more focus on them so that they don't blend into the background and be forgotten.

And that is all! I think this chapter is the most intriguing ones, introducing questions and evasively answering the previous ones. I'm also glad to see it told in multiple PoVs, because it enables me to see it in a larger scope through different angles. Your imagery is excellent as usual, aided with your concrete vocabulary (which, ashamedly admitted, is much better than mine), you have your own distinct writing styles, and the characters are interesting and believable.

I'm waiting for the next one. Keep up the good job! :D




Vervain says...


Thanks for the review!

I'll have a longer reply for you later (when I'm fully awake) but for right now, let me say that your vocabulary is near as good as mine! I feel like my writing gets really stuffy because of my word choice, and I've been reading English literature as a native English speaker for 16 years.

Also, a fire escape is like a metal stairway along the outside of a building. If there's a fire inside, you can use a fire escape to get out and get to the ground.

Thanks again, and I'll be back with more later!



Vervain says...


Alright, time for the long reply while I eat my lunch.

I wonder why she has to make a funeral, though? I'm sure the government knows she's still alive, and if they persuade others to think the event isn't happening, then no one will know about her doing it, which makes a funeral unnecessary.
Evan's family is very public -- that's the big thing. Her family, the Moths, are political figures in the city, and while the government knows they have special abilities, the regular people don't. Basically, whenever something strange happens, it falls to the Moths to regulate public perception of the event. If Evan falls from a tall building and runs off unharmed, they'll host a funeral for the "unknown girl" who was the victim of a "tragic suicide". Basically, to fool the public into thinking something different happened.

As for Evan's ability -- heat is a part of it, but she can also cool things down. She can change states of matter of things touching her body -- she can make solid things into liquids or gas, and can make liquids or gases solid. So when she fell, she made the air around her into a kind of cushion, and put enough force into the concrete sidewalk to make it liquid as she landed. She's going to have some nasty bruises, but otherwise, no broken bones.

And you'll get to meet Evan's father in the next chapter section c: He's gonna be fun to write.

Thanks again!



Lightsong says...


Ooh, interesting! I see it now. You're welcome! c:




trust your heart if the seas catch fire (and live by love though the stars walk backward)
— E.E. Cummings