Young Writers Society

Hi Lareine!

I should have held off on my comments about more details on Lilli's scar xD I continue to forget that this chapter is posted in multiple small parts. So forgive me! Though, it might ease readers away from questions to move this extra information about her scar closer to the first time it was mentioned. OR to shift it all to the first scene when they're walking through the crowd. I don't remember Lilli being concerned about her scar then, but since she's so concerned now it seems like it would be appropriate for it to come up earlier (I'm sure this is a draft thing, but just a note to keep in mind!).

Anyways, YO. FALLING GIRL. I am so on board for this. The way you describe that moment of Lilli watching the girl falling from the building is fantastic and dreamy and terrifying. And the way you transition back into the police station is great. Such solid work.

I was a bit confused, though, about what *actually* happened (or what happened according to Sokol). She didn't faint, but she took a nap on his desk? How is this an accident that requires a report if no one was injured and no property was damaged? He's making it sound like nothing major happened, but the need for an accident report then makes it sound like something major DID happen. If he doesn't know Lilli or anything about her, he doesn't have a reason to make the situation out to be anything that it's not. UNLESS he saw her outside and wants to keep her from knowing, in which case he ought to have a better story? Basically my question is, why an accident report for something as seemingly harmless as "falling asleep"?

All in all, another great scene! Please do keep me up to date when you post more. I'd love to keep following!

Keep writing!

--Lauren

This is Nikayla here for another review!

I'm excited to review this chapter, so let's jump right into it. Last time we left off with the chapter ending after Lilli is left behind by Cate and finding out that she has the role of a Secret Agent. It's a little weird that we're not seeing this from Cate's perspective though I do know now that it's third-person limited as you explained, but I'm more saying that it's odd because we aren't seeing the action going on and instead we're with Lilli in the chapter.

Lilli is now outside of the building that Cate led her into and she heads to the library after this. I like that we find more out about her character over time and she's a bit of a mystery in this first few parts. It turns out that she doesn't end up getting to the library as smoothly as expected, with her getting stopped by a crowd of people. In this crowd of people, there's a girl who Lilli meets eyes with but the girl soon hits the ground.

The imagery and description here is something vivid and it's a strong part in this chapter, especially it being explained how it should have gone down instead of just the silence. The girl falls from the balcony and Lilli immediately starts to worry, as this was from ten stories up. The girl gets up and runs away in what seems to be perfectly fine condition and a hand grabs her before Lilli can run off to check on the girl.

--and then it turns out that it's just a vision. I don't know if Lilli dozed off or was daydreaming or what really happened to her in that moment, but it's surreal. It's something that makes me blink twice and look back at the chapter to make sure I read it right. It's a very intense scene and Lilli tries to leave but Cadet Sokol keeps her there. I don't know how related this dream is to the plot later on, but I'm thinking that it may be foreshadowing something.

The one thing I did want to sort of complain about is the fact that it takes place in a dream which makes me scrunch my face because of the cliche behind it, but I can't really find another way that it would really end up fitting into the story in a sensible way. To Sokol, it seems that Lilli was just taking a nap on her desk, but I think there may be more to it than that. That maybe Sokol saw something happen to Lilli and wants to talk to Cate about it, and it's something that they want to keep a secret from Lilli. Who knows, maybe the desk is magical, or maybe something else happened. It seems as if there's more to it than just Lilli napping from the way that Sokol is speaking and how irritated they are.

I'm excited to see what the next chapter has in store, and I'm really delving into the plot. I would like to see more of the character that you have when you're actually writing when it comes to Lilli's inner monolog and how she thinks since it's interesting. This chapter takes a faster pace than the other two so far, finally delving into some of the action and we get a little more insight and hints as to what's going on.

This has been a lot of fun to read so far. I hope I helped and keep up the good work! <3

Oh My God! I really love this chapter, why? Its got so much suspense (the good kind) so it makes you want to keep on reading. I really got hooked especially when Lilli realized that what happened wasn't real and it hadn't actually taken place.
The description of the scenes are very vivid and brings out the intended image in mind
Lilli's character is a very intriguing one. With number of unique features she has, someone has to keep reading just to get to know more about her.
I also like your use of language and vocabulary. If you could use a bit more vocabulary especially when giving a description of a scene it could really spark someone's imagination.

All in all i would love to keep reading this