Hey ya'll I'm back in the groove. this is my first post in over 2 months! YEAH BABY!
Sing.
Sing in praises of our wonderful Lord.
Dance.
Dance in happiness of our lives.
Cheer.
Cheer for the knowledge of the world.
Write.
Write because if no one had penned the world’s first book,
Life as we know it would end.
Cry.
Cry because you know how much longer we have to go.
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139,536 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Sing.
Sing in praises of our wonderful Lord.
Dance.
Dance in happiness of our lives. use a different word other than 'happiness' It's very simple and plain. Try 'bliss',something to gain the reader's interest.
Cheer.
Cheer for the knowledge of the world. Do you mean the knowledge in the bible? Or the actual population's knowledge. If the latter, I do believe the world is quite ignorant and forgets our God too much. Try elaborating so this is more clear.
Write.
Write because if no one had penned the world’s first book,
Life as we know it would end. Wow, I loved this line. I especially like how you used the word 'penned' as opposed to something really boring like 'wrote' :]. Kudos.
Cry.
Cry because you know how much longer we have to go. This really makes me think. That's the greatest part of this ending, it leaves you with the poem on your mind. Really, congrats on that.
Keep up the good work and keep writing. God bless!
-KatTrain
Hello, dearie. CSI Jashy here for a review. I kind of like your style, but I honestly do not understand the flow of this. I couldn't quite grasp the order of it. It appears to me that it was a flow of the mind that you just scribbled down. Seems like you have a lot of work to do with this one, but I'd like to help with two lines:
We're talking about Christianity here, right? This is a Christian poem, am I right? If that is the situation, then I do not understand why we should cheer with the knowledge of the world. As we all know, who is the god of this world? If we cheer, or bring gladness for worldly knowledge? I hope this is not what you mean. I am just a tad confused with this part. I hope you do not mean what I understood of it. Maybe you could rephrase this? I do not know exactly what to replace it with. Maybe you had meant it some other way. But please consider this because this certain line bring confusion.
I did not like it that you have ended this poem with this line. I think you should have ended it with something hopeful. With this particular line, you've cut the story with a, "Waaaah... I've got to have more endurance, wait patiently..." Blah blah... This is true. But of course, we have hope. Hope in Christ. In eternity. I want that to be the last line of this poem. I want it to end with, "There's no ending for me!" I hope I'm making sense.
Overall, this work has potential. I just hope you fix the order, and add the last line that I want. I really like this line:
To me, it means that write, write for Him. And that's just awesome and true!
I hope you do write more for our LORD. Keep writing!
Jash ♥
I think this was way too short to communicate all the deep semantical messages this poem has! No offense of course, but I think there's a whole lot more that could be told here. Specifically....
I love the part about writing. Of course it's helped make life as it is today. But just how did it do that? What about the stone tables before books? What about the great fire at the library of Alexandria in ancient times? There's so much raw potential here that you're not exploiting. Get your pickaxe and dig out the word gold!
Just what do you mean in writing the part about crying? Because we have so much time left? I'm just a little unclear as to what you're communicating there, and it could do with a little more concrete imagery. Use examples of why we would cry over time we have. Is it about life? Suffering? Ignorance? Just a curious reader wondering what you mean as an author.
Overall, take these words you have and keep on adding to them. There's a lot you could and should think about putting here that would make this an even more exciting and intriguing poem. Keep smithing away on the anvil of great literature, and you'll make a wonderful sword of a poem!
And if you ever need anything, reviews or ideas or kind words, feel free to PM me or leave me a comment! I'm always happy to read anything.
- SOCKS
I liked reading this poem, but I agree with some of the comments above mine. I think it REALLY needs more explanation, and describing WHY you are happy, why we need to dance, why we cry. You just mention each one with one sentence, and I completely understand each one, BUT, most readers will not, by far.
I especially feel this way when you talk about the wonders of the Lord. I am a strong Christian, BUT, I would have really liked it if you would have explained why He is so great. Lots of people don't know. (This is also why their lives are so painful.)
So, in conclusion, I think you need to expand on your beliefs a lot more than you have done.
Keep it up.
I like the idea of this, but there's not much imagery or description to it. For example, what makes their lives so happy? What does the happiness feel like to them? What is the "world's first book"? If you answers pieces of these questions using more description, this poem might have a little more meaning to it. I do see the meaning of it, and I do like it, but it just needs some work. Sorry if I seem harsh
I can't help but think that there really isn't much to this poem. A simple statement of thoughts without much else.
One thought, is that you could expand these section into longer stanzas. Talking about how the Lord is wonderful is just a plain statement. It doesn't really make me understand why you think this. Actually, this is what annoys me about most worship songs. "The Lord is Great!" Why?
Same thing here. Many people don't find their lives so happy, so bring them into the happiness you seem to be feeling. Show, don't tell. It will make your poem that much more powerful.
Overall I liked the poem, but it is more like a concept or a shell of a poem than anything else right now. Keep writing.
Hm.
)
(Sorry if you don't like fish. :p)
Overall, this was nice. Short, sweet, simple. However, I can't help but think that there's so much more to this than you've written here.
For instance, I like the way you say a word, then write a sentence describing that word, expanding on it. However, I think you need to expand even more.
Get excited about this! With each word, think about everything that you associate with that word, and write them down. Now go back, form coherent sentences, and see if they'll actually fit into this little poem of yours.
I know that it can be hard to find inspiration for something, and that if you try to force it, if you say to yourself "I want to write more on this!" and just sit down and start writing, the results may not be what you wanted. They may not even fit with the poem at all. In fact, they may be material for a different poem altogether.
But that's the thing about writing-- practically no matter what you do (so long as you follow the obvious rules of grammar, punctuation, spelling, sentence structure.......... ok, that's beside the point) you can't mess up. You can go back and rewrite something as many times as you want to, and each time, (if you've learned from the last time) your piece will be even better.
That's not to say you should completely change this-- I love what you have here. I've written something similar myself. (I need to post that.
But I think that there's so much more that you can do with this piece.
Bring out its potential! Have fun with it! Make it shine! I know you can do it, just keep trying.
As it is right now, it's pretty, but it's also somewhat...... drab. It's a little fish.
I think you can make it a big, shiny, sparkling fish! Yay!
All in all, I liked it, but I think you can do better......................... and I know I've said that repeatedly by now, but I'm trying to improve my reviews, and there wasn't much poem in the first place. (That's not why I think it should be longer, though. XD)
Good job! Thanks for posting.