Young Writers Society

EDITED

Hi! I was just scrolling through stories and I found this one and let me tell I absolutely love it! It's sooo good and even better that it's true. The Jake guys is a jerk. Also I find the relationship between Nick and Abigail super sweet. Well, I'm babbling again, so I'm going to go read more now!

~PEACE!~

I like the title. It intrigued me. Onto the review!

You prologue could be worded better because it doesn't really hook the reader in so-to-speak. Its kind of like this happened then this happened. Try to give a little insight and make the reader want more - I guess that is kind of vague... just try rewording it. Show don't tell. Oh, and write five instead of 5.

Abigail ran out of the house, her purse bouncing on her hip. She ran across the street, feeling the sun warm her back. She stopped on the sidewalk and shrugged off her heavy sweater. She shivered at the delightful chill and continued down to the second house on the street. She walked up the driveway, and yanked open the car door of the Lexus. #FF0000 ">Just say door of the Lexus, obviously its a car door She grabbed the keys from the passenger seat, and walked up to the door. Without knocking, she opened the screen door, noting that his #FF0000 ">This is said as if we know who "he" is. You could say that she noted that no one was homeparents were gone. No matter. Then she opened the door and stepped inside the hallway. The warm soft buttery color of the walls always soothed her, and she paused to take a deep breath. She slipped off her ugg boots, and walked down the hall to the door of the kitchen. No one was there. She kept walking, and ducked into the living room.

Hey senorita! Lollipopper here to investigate.
Overall, I love the idea of this story. I am NOT a romance person and this even caught MY eye. Doesn't happen much.
But...I think your writing needs a little bit of improvement. You could've made this small three or four paragraph entry into an entire chapter. Not saying you should by any means (then the reader would be bored to death) but your writing doesn't feel like it has any life in it. Yuriiko pretty much nailed it. You go like this:
#FF4000 ">"She ran across the street, feeling the sun warm her back. She stopped on the sidewalk and shrugged off her heavy sweater. She shivered at the delightful chill and continued down to the second house on the street. She walked up the driveway, and yanked open the car door of the Lexus. She grabbed the keys from the passenger seat, and walked up to the door."
You have the right idea of description, but you need variation--you keep saying "She she she. She did this. She did that. Yada yada."
Instead, you could go like this (it's just an example):
#0000FF ">She sprinted lightly across the street, the spring (whatever season it is) sun gently warming her back. Figuring she wouldn't need the protection of her thick sweater, she shrugged it off (I don't know where you put it) and set it (wherever). Shivering at the delightful chill of the morning air, she continued on to the blue-paneled house on the street (We don't need to know it's the second house), hiked up the driveway and yanked open the door of a newly-waxed Lexus. Snatching the keys from the passenger seat, gripping them tightly in her hand, she strode up to the elaborate oak door.

Something like that.

Thanks for the story! Happy writing and ask for a review when needed.

--Lollipopper

Hello DramaLlama!

I have to be honest. This story needs to be inserted in a big repair machine so it could come out fixed. I don't want to sound rude or anything but the story falls a little bit flat and the pacing is way too fast. You seem to be in a hurry so that Anna can meet Nick. I tell you, slow down and take a deep breath. I'll give you a small challenge: Grab a book anywhere near you and look at the prologue and the first chapter. Notice how the writer captures your attention as you go along the way reading it. It comes out smooth and clean, right? And now, take a closer look at your story. But I don't mean that you compare it, no. Just reread again the story and see if you stumble on some sentences that sounds awkward and wrong. If you do, fix it.


Second thing, you tend to use active voice a lot. Like for example the first paragraph of the first chapter, it contains a lot of "She does this and that" and so on. You have been telling too much that it actually lessened my interest to read the next part. I mean if you want a stronger prose then I suggest that you Show not Tell and make the story realistic as much as possible. You can also find some good writing tips here on YWS. Click the Knowledge Base section.



Let's take a good look on your characters. You have Abigail as your main character so this leads to a conclusion that she's the center of the story. The readers expect something much of her. But sad to say, how you have described her personality, the way she reacts and moves, it didn't look realistic at all. Like the part when she founds her boyfriend cheating on her, you could have added more information and emotions into it. Why didn't the boyfriend sound surprised when he was caught cheating? And the bestfriend...? There was not any sign or expression on her face that she felt guilty about it. Those two characters were all just like, "Oh. Okay, you're there. So?" I mean, if you want your readers to sympathize your character then you should try adding more effect to it. Be in the place of your characters. I'm not only referring it to Abigail, but also to Jake and Anna . She could have at least slapped her bestfriend or something. >.< So yeah, we need more details about Abigail. Squeeze her like an orange juice so her persona would be recognized well by your readers.


Overall, this has potential. I apologize if ever I have sounded harsh, but hey, this review is based entirely on my opinions. And keep writing so you can do well! And let me know if you have any questions or clarifications.

#BF0080 ">comments
#BF0000 ">changes
#400080 ">purple!

Prologue:
As kids, Abigail and Nick were best friends. Never apart. Once they reached 5 years old, Nick went off to school, and Abigail was homeschooled. Slowly, the bond grew stronger. Until they confided in nobody but each other. #BF0080 ">I'd just like to point out that, generally, a prologue is an introduction to a story, something that comes before. This is more of a summary of the plot.


Chapter One:
(Abigail)
~Feel the beat, in your heart~

Abigail ran out of the house, her purse bouncing on her hip. She ran across the street, feeling the sun warm her back. She stopped on the sidewalk and shrugged off her heavy sweater. She shivered at the delightful chill and continued down to the second house on the street. She walked up the driveway, and yanked open the car door of the Lexus. She grabbed the keys from the passenger seat, and walked up to the door. #BF0080 ">(You are constantly starting with she. Suggestion: vary sentence starters. You lose interest by saying she, she, she.) Without knocking, she opened the screen door, noting that his #BF0080 ">(If you are saying "his" here, your best bet is to give us some indication of who "he" is in the next few lines. Even giving him a title (her friend) is fine if you don't want to use a name, but we don't know who "he" is. You want readers to be part of your world.)parents were gone. No matter. Then she opened the door and stepped inside the hallway. The warm#BF0000 ">, soft#BF0000 ">, buttery color of the walls always soothed her, and she paused to take a deep breath. She slipped off her ugg boots, and walked down the hall to the door of the kitchen. No one was there. She kept walking, and ducked into the living room.

“Oh my God.” Abigail whispered, staring at the two people on the couch, wrapped in each other. “Jake?” she said, not trusting her eyes. Please God. No. things were getting better.
He turned, his arms still around the girl, whose face was hidden by his shoulder.
“Yeah?” he asked nonchalantly.
“What are you doing?”
“What does it look like?” his voice was full of indifference. #BF0080 ">It'd be nice to know more of the emotions at this point.
The girl looked over his shoulder, and her pale face turned up to Abigail and said “Hi Abby#BF0000 ">.”
Is this what it feels like to be hit by a truck? Abigail thought, as she felt her brain fill with recognition.
“Anna?” once again, her brain was telling her eyes there #8F0000 ">was no possible way…
“And?” Anna said, bored.
“You’re my best friend! How could you?” Her voice shook and Abigail stopped to breathe. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. She thought over and over again. I’ve got to get out of here. #BF0000 ">The keys in her hand had been cutting into her skin from the grip, and, in her frustration, she threw them, praying for them to hit Jake. #BF0080 ">(It just sounded a bit awkward the way it was before) #BF0000 ">She ran out of the house, slamming the door. I forgot my shoes… the thought surfaced as she ran down the street. Oh well. Maybe I’ll freeze to death. She kept running, past her house. Where am I going? And having no answer, she stopped. Right in front of Nick’s house. #BF0080 ">Italicize thoughts or put them in apostrophes/quotes. It'd make it far easier to read. Also... who is Nick? Give us some indication. We don't know Nick yet, besides what you gave us in the sumarryish thing, so giving us more of an idea of who he is would be nice. How about rephrasing to "Right in front of her best friend's house" ?

“Nick!” she squealed. She ran around the house, her feet growing numb from the cold concrete, and now cold grass. She burst in through the back door that lead right into Nick’s room. He looked up from his piano, where he was writing a song.
“Abigail,” he said#BF0000 ">, standing up. “Where are your shoes?”
Abigail stumbled over to him and threw herself into his arms and burst into tears.

I absolutely love it so far. I can not wait to see where it goes. You can count on my following this story.
Lots of Love
-Romancewriter