Christmas heartbreak

thanks all you peoples who have reviewed this,
my BFF suffered a heartbreak and I had this brilliant idea to turn it into a short story/poem

luvs to all,
Pointe

p.s. merry christmas

Hey, I think this is really cool. The other people gave good comments so all I can really say is I enjoyed reading this and good job with putting the feeling in the poem. Some people just put words in lines and hope that it'll create something, but this actually did. Keep writing!!!

Ello there Pointe! Here to return the favor of a review, and get another star!!!

Alrighty so here we go....

The lights twinkle through the window,
welcoming me in. I like the opening line, maybe wish it drew the reader in a little more, but it is still alright.


Your arms wrap around me like a blanket,
keeping me warm by the fire. Ahh, the visions Good stanza.



But it's all for nothing.
I gave you my heart,
you handed it right back. Sadness, maybe a little cliche, but it works. Still remember to try and stay way from the cliche stuff... I know it is hard in love poems, but still.


The garlands are strung across the banister,
so happy looking.
But it matters nothing to me,
for this Christmas,
You're leaving. Aww My second favorite stanza in the poem. Sad though, you should be happier!

The lights are twinkling,
The children laughing,
everyone happy,
except me. And this is my favorite. STILL, you should be happy.... But I like the flow here, the repetition of the twinkling lights, the way each line gets shorter until the end, it was nice, but SAD!

I think that you should draw the reader in more in the first line. I know I'm not good at that but it would be better so that way the reader feels like they want to continue. What I do like is the imagery and the contrast that you use.
Overall it's a great poem!

pointe2drama wrote:The lights twinkle through the window,
welcoming me in. I like this opening stanza, yet at the same time I don't. It seems a little mundane and cliche to me. I still like it, but at the same time I don't feel too drawn in at this point, and you want your reader to be drawn in from the very first line in any poem.


Your arms wrap around me like a blanket,
keeping me warm by the fire. I like this imagery. Makes me think of being warm and fuzzy by the fire when it's raging cold outside.



But it's all for nothing.
I gave you my heart,
you handed it right back.


The garlands are strung across the banister,
so happy looking.
But it matters nothing to me,
for this Christmas,
You're leaving. I would suggest ditching the contraction there and instead make it "you are". Other than that, I like this contrast in surroundings and inner emotion.


The lights are twinkling,
The children laughing,
everyone is? happy,
except for? me. Those are just two ideas on how to make that last stanza flow just a little bit better and make better sense. Again, I like the contrasting emotions. To me, it seems to make some sort of conflict.