Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
day 1 (summer 2013)
The first day of summer that year was predictably hot, humid and rainy. I spent the majority of it indoors, holding onto to the last remnants of spring in my brain, where it wasn't humid, but cool, and the rain painted everything in bright colors instead of grey steam rising off the dull green trees. If I had been honest with myself, I would have known that spring had left me behind long ago, fleeing off to lie in wait for another year. June, even if not according to the calendar, is a summer month, full of disgusting bugs and melted ice cream. I couldn't stand it. On my bedroom wall, I hung a chart, holding a square for every day of summer there was. Ninety-three little squares waiting to be colored in by my fat red sharpie. I spent the entire day in my room, sitting as far away from my perpetually open window as possible, and basking in the glowing memories of the seasons that came before summer- and the seasons that would come after.
day 4 (summer 2013)
For whatever reason, my best friend always made fun of my height. Whether it was to casually put his elbow on my shoulder, or to pretend not to see me by looking over me, Nate was always making fun of the fact that I was not tall. In any way. I was five foot nothing, with a shoe size that could still be fulfilled by the children's section, and Nate found that truly hysterical. We could be having a completely normal day, and suddenly he'd get on the subject of my height, and I'd usually get so annoyed that I would either a. get up and leave or b. make him leave. But on the fourth day of summer, he wasn't talking about my height. No, he was talking about Miranda's height. "I'm not kidding, El. She's gotta be like, five-seven."
"Nate," I said, not looking up from my cosmo--(I was taking a quiz to see how sexy I was when I was sick, (for those of you wondering, my score was a seven out of ten.) "I am pretty sure Miranda isn't five-seven."
"Dude, I'm six-seven and she come up to my chest. That literally never happens."
And it was true. Nate, the odd, gawky thing that he was, was almost seven feet tall. He towered over everyone else, and had a really bad habit of hitting his forehead on door ways he stupidly thought he could fit under. And no, he didn't play basketball. Or any sport. Unless you consider being an idiot a sport, which to be honest, he probably did.
"I know it never happens, but I promise, she's not that tall. You just want a girl who's not two feet shorter than you so you can have an actual conversation with her without having to bend down."
"If that were the case, I would not be friends with you." He fiddled with his x-box controller, his eyes trained on the screen. I still to this day will never understand what teenage boys see in video games, but Nate was the classic representation of a teenage boy. Awkward, hormonal and obsessed with killing people on a screen. "Damn," he whispered, slamming his fingers into the controller over and over again, signaling his soldier on the screen to stop, drop and roll... or something. "Come on Rogers, don't fail me now. We've almost got them."
I returned to my magazine to circle option a to the third question. 'When you're sick, do you feel like a. reading, b. watching a movie, or c. cuddling with the one you love?' In all honesty, it was none of them. When I'm sick, I pass out and don't resurface for days, my hunger and annoyance with the world at its ultimate high. But I knew for sure it wasn't c, because being touched is not something I enjoy. I'd actually been sent to the principal's office in freshman year for kicking a guy in the balls after he touched my arm. Poor Nate, doomed for eternity to get bullied by me, even back then when we were both lost and he just wanted to ask if I knew where the Biology Lab was. In my defense, he snuck up on me pretty quietly--those boats he calls feet can be silent when they want to be. "Do you even like Miranda, Nate?"
He paused the game, and looked at me seriously. "El, I'm about to tell you something that you have to promise never to repeat."
I had to resist rolling my eyes, knowing what he was about to say. "Mum's the word."
"I think I might be in love with her."
Surprise, surprise. At least once a month, Nate came to me, his eyes lit up with a special fire I like to call "Natelikesagirlagainandthinksit'slove". He'd whisper to me gravely, make me promise not to tell a soul and then say those fateful words. "I think I'm in love with her."
Nate, with all his height and body mass, failed to see that having a crush on someone way out of your league is not love. He would maintain to his grave that he loved every single one of those girls, and swear that every one of them loved him back. Neither of these were true. I knew better than anyone that Miranda would never go for a guy like Nate, and Nate was just being an idiot to even try. Miranda could tear him apart without lifting a finger. "Love? Isn't that a little strong?" I asked, putting down my cosmo.
"I can't fight this feeling, El. I know it has to be."
"Okay, 80s music references aside, have you actually had a conversation with her, or are you just admiring from afar?"
"I talked to her at work yesterday." He looked proudly at me, as though this was a monumental accomplishment that obviously meant it was time to send out the wedding invites.
"She works at Jamba Juice?"
"Well, not exactly. She was ordering a blueberry and strawberry smoothie with a shot of orange juice."
"And let me guess, her order counts as a conversation."
"Yes! She called me by name and asked how I was before she ordered. And she asked if I make the smoothies or if someone else does."
"Oh wow, that's true love right there," I replied sarcastically, picking back up my magazine to tally my score. "She probably just wanted to know so she could know whether to take her order back or not. I wouldn't drink a smoothie you made if you paid me. Do you EVER wash your hands?"
"I know!" He flopped to the couch, hand over his heart and eyes misted over with the 'Nateisthinkingabouthavingsexwiththisnewlove' look, choosing to ignore my question. "You know, El, maybe if you were in love you wouldn't be so cynical all the time."
"I am not cynical." I huffed, closing cosmo. It was useless to try and read sex tips I'd never use with Nate there to distract me.
"Yes you are. You are the only eighteen year old on the the freaking planet that hates summer and would rather be in school year round."
"Summer is hot and sticky and full of melted things that should be frozen. I find no joy in that." I snapped.
"I know why you're cynical though, and it's not your fault."
I took a deep breath, knowing where this was going. "Why, pray tell, am I cynical?"
"You're short. All short people are cynical."
I rolled my eyes, standing up. "And with that, we come full circle. Friendship over. Goodbye Nate, I'll see you around." I walked to his door, and turned around to see him ducking under the living room door way. "Tomorrow, let's go bowling. There's AC at the bowling alley."
"No short jokes?"
He laughed in reply and rolled his eyes. "The day you stop asking that is the day our friendship truly is over. Of course there will be short jokes."
I thought about my calender with only four little checks so far. "I guess I'll see you there. What time?"
"Two. That's when they start frying the food for the dinner rush."
On that note, I stepped out of his house, running across the street and into mine before the hot sun had a chance to make me sweat. Ugh, summer.
day 10 (summer 2013)
Around day ten of hell, my mother decided that my plan for sitting on the couch reading a million books and watching a season a day of Supernatural wasn't a very good way to spend the summer after my senior year. So, lovely as she was, she took it upon herself to find me a job. Without consulting me. So there I was, sitting in a sticky waiting room of a pet grooming business, clutching the resume my mother had drawn up for me. I was trying to ignore the posters on the wall, featuring unhappy looking poodles with different fru-fru cuts that made me want to hurl. "Eleanor?" the receptionist said, her voice barely above a whisper. I stood up and approached the desk, resisting the urge to roll my eyes at the huge dog sweater the middle aged woman was wearing. Didn't she know it was like eighty degrees outside? Her forehead certainly knew, she had beads of sweat collecting on forehead and dripping down the side of her nose. "Just drop your resume there," she pointed, still barely speaking. "I'm sure you'll get the job, we love your mom--but we have to look professional."
"My phone number is written on the top, if you wanna call me when you decide," I said, already starting towards the door.
"Of course, of course! Good luck!" Her voice rose to a chirp to follow me out the door.
Waiting in the parking lot was Nate's Chevy G-10, puffing exhaust like a chain smoker. He was tapping the steering wheel with his fingers, his weird alternative punk blasting out of the speakers. "Can you turn that down?"
"You can't turn down soul, Ellie. This stuff is genius!"
"I can't understand a word they're saying."
"That's part of the genius! Just feel the emotion. Pumping through you."
"All I feel is a headache coming on from all this noise."
Nate rolled his eyes and turned down the music. "How'd it go in there?"
"It was hell."
"Everything's hell to you."
I sighed, puffing my cheeks out and blowing hot breath to make my damp frizzy bangs lift from my forehead and back down. It was a trick I'd learned in fifth grade after I read a book about a girl who constantly did it. It was a habit now, even though every time I did it in front of Nate he made fun of me for-- "Nice deflating," Nate interrupted my thoughts, just as I knew he would. Throwing myself back into the hot sticky car seat I buckled my seat belt.
"Take me away, Nate. And make me forget how much I hate this place in the summer."
"Your wish is my command," he said, as he haphazardly threw the truck into reverse and screeched out of the parking lot. After almost hitting a trash can that he claimed came out of nowhere, he careened onto the street, tires squeaking into the hushed summer afternoon.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,819 Reviews
Let's dance, sugar.
So there's a sarcastic, cynical protagonist who's oh so much more than those traits, then there is a character who is only those traits. The former is a good cynical character, while the latter is more a caricature.
You fall into the latter here, unfortunately, which left me flailing at this voice dissecting male entitlement but rolling my eyes at nearly everything else. Which I honestly wish I wasn't, because I've heard you talk about this story and I'm interested in this story. I'm invested in the characters, based on what you've told me about them.
And here I am, going "... but why?" at almost every interaction in here. This is potentially because I am utterly hopeless at understanding highly antagonistic friendships, and from the sheer amount of praise this has gotten I'm probably the one not getting something. Antagonistic friendships just feel wrong, to me, because I never see what keeps people together and what makes people put up with it. I'm left with staring at two people who don't respect each other, who seem to flat out hate each other, and I'm expected to see this as a friendship worth of ending then reforming immediately after? Part of this confusion is because I have no idea who suggested bowling, but it sounds like Eleanor, and she had just said the friendship was over.
As you can see, I do not understand friendship very well, so seeing two people be at each other's throats all the time is a surefire way to get me going "why is this friendship even a thing". I don't relate to these two at all, because I haven't seen any amount of kindness or respect or anything in common that keeps them together. It's frustrating, simply because I want to enjoy this, but the interaction type is rather literally barring me from relating to the characters.
Past that.
The day journal entry format is very stiff, in my opinion. You start off with a fairly short paragraph, then a long scene, then it's a medium length thing. You don't need to wax poetic on why summer is terrible— you do that on day 4. And day 10 is marked out twice, once with an approximation that makes me go "so is this actually day ten or have all the days blended together so we're getting guesses?" If you date something, date it once. We've read one date and don't need two.
You also use the starts to wax poetic in general, easing us into the scene and using the introductions to give us some variation of "I hate this here's why" before you break into something that actually moves the plot forward. As a result, the caricature-ness of the piece primarily comes from these introductions. I'm not particularly interested in how much she hates life— I'm interested in the actual plot. I know you have a slice of life so it's not like you can discover a body immediately, but Eleanor is doing very little in this plot. She's a reactive plot on top of somebody cynical who hates everything and she's letting life move on past her.
So at the end of this, I feel like I'm reading two dimensional characters who are only stuck together because plot says so, not because they actually want to be together, neither of them actually doing anything and letting things happen to them, in a format that makes things clunky and repetitive instead of actually providing insight and structure.
Overall, I want to like this. I really, really do. And I think you're actually only a few adjustments away from getting something magical, which would basically involve showing how these two care for each other outside of antagonism and having them actually make choices earlier on instead of just existing.
But do keep Eleanor saying a conversation isn't love. That part is absolutely brilliant and is probably the only thing in here I latched onto as being real. Unfortunately, it set Nate up as an entitled jerk who is to be dumped. Hence why I was so confused for why she went back after she said the friendship was over. She has literally not shown a single good thing about him since the start of the story.
You know where to find me.
~Rosey
I think this is veryyy important, because I don't see any of what you're saying when it comes to Nate and Eleanor. This is friendly banter that I have with a lot of my friends, where yes, there's a lot of insulting and back of forth, but both parties know it's good fun and aren't bothered by it. The 'our friendship is over' is highly sarcastic and there was no need for a follow through. Like I said, banter
You have to remember that this is a journal. It's Eleanor telling us about her life the way she wants it told. So hearing about how much she hates summer seems understandable to me. I know I use my personal journal as a way to complain without bothering anyone else, or to talk about the things that matter to me that don't really matter to anyone else. Maybe it's not the /best/ choice for a novel, but that's the way I've chosen to write it.
I'm not sure where you're getting she lets life move past her? This is the first chapter, designed to introduce you (maybe badly) to the main characters. I think we're very different in the fact that you like all the action and characters to happen quickly, while I'm more of a 'ease in' writer and reader. I like to build the characters chapter by chapter, adding new layers as it goes. All in all, I can see why this isn't your type of story. It's designed to be just what it is. A comingofageromance. It's not meant to be thoughtful or dramatic or metaphorical, like 90% of my projects.
So I had a nice long reply and YWS ate it. Let's try this again.
One thing to keep in mind is I have read about 75 journal-type stories, and I still read slowly introduced stories on a semi-regular basis. Just because I don't write these types of stories doesn't mean I'm unfamiliar with them.
There's a balance you need to strike between letting the character tell the story how they want to tell it, and how readers can relate to it. Right now you're slipping into talking heads a lot, which leaves the dialogue fairly flat when you go into long stretches of it. Even when you only have two characters speaking, you need a certain amount of tags just to give characterization.
I think those little details are all you really need to explain little nuances without telling us those nuances. Right now, you're throwing us into an already very well established friendship without any indication at all how they normally work. I am aware that by showing us this you're attempting to shove "this is their normal" in our face, but you're throwing us in very deep, very fast (honestly, I find this faster and foggier than my beginnings because there's absolutely no reflection on what's going on; I add in reflection on purpose to clarify pre-established things). If you're not used to this style of friendship, then this appears very, very strange.
The reason I get the impression she's not making any choices is: all she's really done is sit around. Her mom made the choice for her she needs a job, and she goes along with it. Sure she offers to go bowling, but that doesn't really impact the plot at all. She also says to take her away, but that never shows up so it doesn't impact the plot. The main choice that actually impacts the plot wasn't made by her. It was made by somebody else.
Hola! So I've not written a review in well over a year, but I'm kinda sorta returning to YWS, so I figured I'd kick that off with one!
So basically Spark, you're my guinea pig, and for that I apologise.
I think you could come up with a better opening line than this. It's not bad or anything, don't get me wrong, but I'm one of those irritating poofaces who places a lot of importance on opening lines, particularly when it comes to novels.
Just a tiny nit-pick! The way you've formatted this looks a bit blergh to me, although this is personal preference. If I were you, I'd change it to something like "I would either a) get up and leave, or b) make him leave." Again though, this is entirely personal preference, really. You do a similar format again later, so the same applies to that!
It took me a while to realise it wasn't Nate who said said "No short jokes?". Put that dialogue on a separate line so we know it was Eleanor speaking.
So, nit-picks over!
I liked this overall, and I think you've done an awesome job at characterisation (which is, like, my most favourite thing ever, so extra brownie points for that). I think Eleanor has a really interesting voice, and I love her sarcasm because sarcasm is my thaaaaang. I like Nate too, and I think he an El have great chemistry. The writing itself is great too because I barely saw any punctual errors or anything, plus the whole thing flowed pretty smoothly. I liked the whole Eleanor hating summer thing too, because most people are all hyped about summer so it was interesting to find a character who hates it. So yeah, overall I actually really enjoyed this, and I definitely think I'll have a read of chapter two some time tomorrow (it's 1am here, see).
Now, critiques!
I'll start with some small ones. Firstly, I was surprised when I found out Nate and Eleanor are eighteen. They seem a little younger. Not years and years or anything, but at a guess I'd say sixteen? This is hardly a major issue, I mean people mature at different ages and these guys might just have quirky personalities (which they do, in fairness), so don't stress over fixing this or anything.
Another small thing that bothered me a bit was that by the end of the chapter, El's whole hatred of summer began to feel a bit melodramatic, even a little forced. For example, when she ran from Nate's house to hers to avoid as much sun as possible, it seemed a little silly. Then referring to summer as hell, that was a bit much in my eyes. I mean, okay she hates it and everything, but hell seems a bit over the top!
One last small thing that bugged me was the waiting room scene. Considering she had her name called, there must have been other applicants there waiting, right? Would the receptionist really have said she was bound to get the job with them there? Even without other people there, it seems odd that the receptionist would've told Eleanor she'd get the job (even if that is the genuine case). I'd like some more description of this scene too, maybe. Mainly because she referred to the experience as hell, but didn't actually come across as that bad, really.
As for more substantial critiques, I can't help but feel like there should have been more of a cliffhanger at the end of this. I don't expect anything to explode or anyone to die or anything, but I don't know... I want more, y'know? While I thought you had some great characterisation and all that, the actual plot so far is kind of non-existent. The only notable thing that's going on in El's life is her potentially getting a job, which you have to admit isn't the most exciting. With opening chapters (and opening lines) it's so vital that your grab the reader's interest so that they can't resist reading on. So yeah, maybe hint/foreshadow something big that's going to happen int he future of the novel. Be creative!
Another issue for me with this is that as I was reading, I kept forgetting it was the very first chapter of a novel because it read like the middle of one. There was nothing... beginning-esque about it, which I'm aware makes no sense. It felt like I was thrown into a random part of the middle of Eleanor's life, as opposed to beginning a novel. I can't quite put my finger exactly on why (which goes to show my lack of reviewing experience for a year), but it might be connected to my last point. Because there's nothing big, or at least no sign of something big going on, it doesn't seem like the beginning of something. Hmmm, I'm not quite sure. I'm being useless with this, so I do apologise!
Anywho, I think that's it. Negative comments aside, I think this has a lot of potential. Your characters' chemistry is awesome, and I'm definitely going to read on, methinks. Sorry this wasn't the best review in the world, but I hope I helped in some way! If you have any questions or anything, just give me a shout.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
This was a fantastic review, darling. Thank you <3
Hey Peyton! Time for a review >D I hope you don't mind being a guinea pig because I haven't reviewed for almost 11 months so forgive me if this review ends up being a bit weird.
After an initial read, I like it a lot. Your style is quite poetic and really summery - really enjoyable to read. It kind of reminds me of John Green's style quite a lot, a bit like the banter between Colin and Hassan. A bit like Summer Break (a series on youtube too).
On y va:
Nitpicks:
As a non-American, I’m imagining this to be SoCal where it’s always sunny and never rains and whatnot. Perhaps this is an opportunity to mention exactly where it’s taking place – a predictable West Virginian summer? Or Indianan summer? Har har har.
Ninety-two*
I’m not sure 6’7” counts as almost 7’
Slightly later on she’s talking about her doing the test. Perhaps say something to illustrate that her final score was 7/10?
I’d personally be careful about including the year. That’s already a year away and that kind of perceived time distance can create a sort of rift between the reader and the characters but it isn’t far enough to be a "Let's take this back 2005 Drinks are pouring and girls so fine"
thing where it’s too far to remember the minute details and it becomes more of a nostalgic thing. Things like xbox (without the dash ;P) have been around for a while but they’ll probably be here for a while to come.
Calendar* Also, four little checks?
--Three days later--
*Ahem*.
Haphazardly feels a bit strange to me here. I'm not sure why but I think another word (if any really
*cough* TFiOS *cough*
Overall
I like the two a lot - El's voice is interesting and at times, really funny - but be wary of the appeal being lost and her voice becoming a character that seems to be annoyed at everything without ever cheering up. Again, bear this in mind with Nate too - you have a great opening and I love how the characters bounce off each other, but again, watch out that their relationship doesn't become all about the same things and it's all in the same way without any real depth or dimension to it. Although, from the little I've heard so far it's going to be awesome and not like that at all
I get the impression so far that this chapter is more like snippets of scenes, as if it were the funny bits of a sitcom except with that added, dreamy quality to it - which I like a lot: it plays off well with Eleanor's hate for summer. Having said that though, because of that, it feels a bit like it's a prologue or at least some kind of prequel to the story, and going into the plot from here will feel like the beginning isn't as *strong* because there's no definitive *beginning* if that makes any sense, a beginning that is fun but ultimately doesn't throw us into the story. It kind of feels like going into a pool really slowly and then wondering how you're still so far into the pool yet only ankle-deep because there's no strong beginning (yes, I know, that made no sense at all).
As a prologue it would work well, but due to how far the days seem to be (Day 1 -> Day 4 -> Day 10) it feels like we're not fully in the story and we've already gone so for. I want to feel immersed in this world of Eleanor's impossibly long bucket list and not just watching a cool reel of the summer. I think perhaps one of the easiest ways to do that would be to reduce the gaps between the days, or at least mention something that had happened in between those days, however small. Or, perhaps, throw us right into the deep end with the story at the beginning of the next chapter (not with necessarily conflict, but something to get us feel involved).
Speaking of immersion (and not necessarily this chapter either) but try and include a lot more description so we don't feel as disconnected, but instead as if it were the world around us.
And that's it! I know this review was kind of rambly but I did tell you you'd be a guinea-pig today - I haven't reviewed in a very long while
Keep writing!
~Bluesy
Typical New England Summer actually
oh btw, your summer set ref didn't go unnoticed
Hi! I'm going to start with grammar issues because I'm kind of obsessed with that.
"The first day of summer that year was predictable hot, humid and rainy."
-I'm confused about this because I'm not sure if you're saying it's "predictable, hot, humid..." or "predictably hot, humid..." If it's the first you need a comma after it, but if you're tring to use it as an adverb you need to change the e to a y
"I'd usually get so annoyed that I would either a. get up and leave or b. make him leave."
-I'd change the periods after a and b to colons.
"his eyes trained on the screen."
-This isn't a grammar issue but i think the word "trained" is a little awkward there. Maybe "Fixed" or "fixated"?
"come on Rogers, don't fail me now. We've almost got them."
-The C should be capitalized.
""I talked to her at work yesterday," he looked proudly at me, as though this was a monumental accomplishment that obviously meant it was time to send out the wedding invites."
-For this, you should have a period after yesterday and capitalize he. Usually the comma and lowercase is the format for dialogue but the verb 'looked' has nothing to do with him saying anything and is disconnected from the dialogue, so they should be two separate sentences. Same with "he floppped to the couch."
""Summer is hot and sticky and full of melted things that should be frozen. I find no joy in that." I snapped."
-Different here, there should be a comma after that because "snapped" is a vocal verb, so it's one continuous sentence. (Does that make any sense or do I suck at explaining?) Same goes for: if you wanna call me when you decide." I said, already starting towards the door.
Okay, now onto the stuff that I really liked!
Although I think the beginning paragraph wasn't terribly enthralling, I really liked the voice and narration once you introduced Nate and had the two characters interacting. We got a lot of information from just watching them talk without you having to explain too much to us. You could probably cut out even more of the "telling" if you wanted to and you'd still be fine. Like, when Nate says that he's in love with her and El says something along the lines of "here we go again," the reader can infer that this happens a lot so you don't have to explain it fully, although the way you did is actually quite nice and didn't bother me too much.
I really like the voice of the character and I can tell that this is going to be a really fun story! You definitely have a well-developed style and are very good at writing dialogue and characters. I'm looking forward to reading more!
I always start with the things I think people should change (that way we get the bad feelings out of the way before I pat your head, haha)
Your first sentence is a little predictable:
"The first day of summer that year was predictable hot, humid and rainy."
Especially when you have so many gems in that first paragraph like:
"...and basking in the glowing memories of the seasons that came before summer- and the seasons that would come after."
I would tweak it just a bit, because remember: your first paragraph is the complete deciding factor on whether the majority of readers will continue or not. It's a bit unfair, but it is the truth. Le sigh. You've got some great gems in there--I like the bit about her sharpie, too.
There are a few grammar issues (which, really, that's what editors are for) but:
-Natelikesagirlagainandthinksit'slove -- is a bit of an eyesore. I'd format it with dashes like this; Nate-likes-a-girl-again-and-thinks-it's-love
-You can turn down soul, Ellie. This stuff is genius! -- should be can't
Have you read Eleanor and Park? If you have and you like that book, I would probably change her name. If you haven't heard of it, completely ignore that I just made this suggestion, okay? Haha.
Okay, I'm done with the critiquing! On with the praising: HOLY CRAP YOU ARE 16! This was written so well. It's funny and you've got a great balance of action/inaction. Kudos, kid. So many wonderful little gems sprinkled throughout. I love the interaction between Nate and Eleanor and there's just enough little quirks about them sprinkled throughout the storytelling that make you want to read more. Keep it up, darling. I can't wait to read more.