Carsia {I} *revised version*

I-

Eleanor climbed out of the carriage behind her mother, her heart pounding in her ears. The swishing of her skirt across the frozen ground was the only sound she heard, besides the slight buzzing of the adrenaline that was flowing through his veins. It wasn't the good adrenaline, no; it was white-hot fear that was pumping in her body instead of blood. Her mother turned around, the pinched face of a woman who had weathered too much pain in her life. "Hurry up, Eleanor."

"Yes, Mama," she said, speeding up her pace to walk in time with her group.

 "Now, I don't want you to worry about this party, my dear. Everyone will bow and scrape at your feet, considering the news."

"Mother, I wish you hadn't insisted me tell people that I'm engaged before the Festival of Trees is over."

  "Everyone should know that my beautiful daughter is engaged to the richest man in the land."

Eleanor's heart plummeted, and she closed her eyes for a few seconds, before continuing to walk beside her mother. "And don't look so depressed, you should be glowing!" her mother continued to chatter, until they reached the large oak doors that led into the mansion of her soon to be husband. She was trying to make it sound better than it was, trying to pretend that she hadn't made Eleanor accept Randolph's request for her hands.

Two footmen stood on the inside of the doors, taking cloaks and shrugs from the lords and ladies that were meandering into the hall. When Eleanor stepped over the threshold, the warmth and glow that greeted her did nothing to soothe the goose bumps across her shoulders. "Smile," her mother hissed in her ear, before pushing past her and throwing her cloak at the footmen without a glance their way.   "Cynthia, it's been so long! How is little Thomas?"

 Eleanor turned to the footman that had to lunge to catch her mother's velvet cape, an apologetic smile plastered across her features. She fooled with the hook on her own cloak, wishing she didn't have to take it off, even though the warmth of the room was making beads of sweat catch and the nape of her neck. She'd rather sweat all night, though, than take off her cloak. This is stupid, she told herself. Just take off the cloak. Mama told you it wasn't indecent, so trust her. You'll be fine. She pulled at the hook, sweeping the cape off her shoulders, and placing it neatly in the arms waiting. "Thank you," she breathed, nodding kindly. The footman nodded in reply, flashing a smile right back at her.

She started walking away from the doorway, fiddling with her clothes, trying not to bump into the chattering people. The Addlington's never did anything half way, and that included parties. Everyone in the town that was even remotely important was there, the ladies in their best gowns of beautiful jewel colors, and the men in their tails, standing with their hair greased back. She nodded and smiled at anyone who looked her way, and continued to try and get out of plain sight to avoid her fiancé, God, how she hated that word, at least until dinner. She tiptoed out of the hall and into the corridor beyond, where only a few people were. The sounds of the quartette that was planning in the main ballroom could barely be heard here, and the silence was a relief.

She ignored the ladies that were leaning against the wall giggling, and looking up at their inebriated suitors. She'd been down this hall before, and she knew that there was a library hidden behind the curtains that hung over the walls. She just had to find it. She walked along one side, her fingers sliding over the silk, feeling for doorknobs beneath. There! She looked behind her, the two couples had moved off, probably to seek somewhere more private to flirt. She pulled at the silk, and turned the doorknob, slipping into the room beyond and closing the door softly behind her. "Who's there?" said a voice, causing her to jump nearly as high as the ceilings above.

"I--" she gasped, stepping farther into the room, squinting to see who was hiding just like her. A little intake a breath from both parties. "Theo?" she breathed, just as the person sitting in the chair across the room jumped up, saying "Ellie?"

The two people, from either side of the room, ran towards each other, meeting in the middle in a collision of excitement. "I can't believe--when did you get here--I've missed you!" Eleanor gasped, wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him warmly.

"I've missed you too, Ellie! But what's this I hear about you being engaged to be married?" Eleanor jerked away, and took several steps back.

 "Where did you hear that?"

"I heard it the second I walked in the door. You're quite the topic. Engaged, and no less, to Randolph Addlington?"

She sat down, hard, on the floor, her skirt pooling out around her. He sat down beside her, watching her closely. "My parents think it's a good marriage... I didn't know what to do...,” she was barely whispering, and she almost wondered if he could hear her or not.

  "Oh, my darling girl," Theo whispered, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and squeezing her. She nestled into his shoulder, closing her eyes. She had missed him. He hadn't been home since the spring before, not since he had been drafted to be a doctor in the war. She could remember him leaving as if it was yesterday, and the feeling of emptiness she'd felt since her best friend had left was now magically refilled from him returning.

Eleanor stood on the docks, her skirt being blown from side to side by the sea wind. She shivered from the chill, wrapping her arms around herself. A crushing sadness seemed to surround her from all sides, and she continued to wait for Theo to drop off his bags to the luggage handler, and return to say goodbye. No one paid her any attention, perhaps assuming she was a wife waiting to say goodbye to her husband, or a sister seeing her elder brother off. Fighting back tears, she started looking around, trying to find Theo in the crowd. She knew she'd be able to see his curly head over all these other people, considering his height. There he was, making his way towards her, his expression stormy. He reached her, and wrapped his arms around her. "I'm going to miss you, Ellie."

            She wrapped her arms around him too, hugging him tightly. "I'll miss you more than anything, Theo. You're my best friend."

"And you're mine."

"Let's not say goodbye, because I can't bear it," she breathed in his scent, promising herself in that moment she'd never forget it.

"Okay," he breathed.

"Farewell, my darling Theo."

He bent down, kissing her forehead softly. "I love you, Ellie. Farewell."

"I love you too."

Theo turned and walked away, his shoulders hunched and his eyes downcast. She turned away and started walking down the docks, tears freezing her already cold cheeks.

"How terrible was it?" She asked, almost not wanting the answer.

"Horrible."

She waited for him to elaborate, but he didn't, so she started talking. "You know, when I told Mother that I didn't want to marry Randolph, she told me I had too, that I didn't get a choice. I wish there was a way to leave, Theo, but everything is closing in on me and I have no idea where to turn."

"Shush, Ellie. We'll figure something out."

"What do you mean, 'we'? What can you do?"

"I'm sure there's something I can do..."

"You know there's nothing."

"I'll figure something out, I promise."

She sighed deeply, leaning her head against her shoulder, as the sound of a bell tolled through the halls of the mansion. "That's the dinner bell, Theo. We have to appear for dinner, or there'll be questions."

He groaned, and shook his head. "Must we?"

"Yes, we must." she stood up, smoothing the skirt of her pearly gold gown.

"My God, Ellie, what in heaven's name are you wearing?"

She looked down, blushing. She'd forgotten for a few minutes about the plunging neckline of her gown, and now she pulled at the top self-consciously. "Mother picked it out. She said we had to keep Randolph's attention now that we'd caught it."

He stepped closer to her, indiscernible fire lighting in his brown eyes. "That's terrible."

Tears flicked in her eyes, and she nodded. "I know. But enough about that, let's go out and face the masses."

He took her hand and squeezed it, smiling. "Let's. I pray that by some miracle we sit with each other at dinner."

"I hope so too, but if not, I promise to dance with you at least once, okay?"

He made a face. "You know I hate dancing."

She laughed, and walked out of the library. "Of course I know that."

He followed her, laughing quietly with her. God, how she had missed him.

Of course, the fates would have it that Eleanor would be stuck in between the Lady of Chrimbrage and her mother. Both of which gossiped all through dinner over top of Eleanor. Eleanor tried to keep her eyes downcast and not draw any attention, considering she really wasn't in the mood to make small talk. Her mind was swimming with questions, for instance, why  Theo was home, and why he'd been sitting in the library all alone, instead of, and she hated herself slightly for thinking this, but did anyway, looking for her. Maybe he was planning to look for you, but after her heard you were engaged, he didn't want too anymore?

            Of course, she knew that couldn't be true. Theo wouldn't care about that, all he would care about was seeing his best friend again. Right? She almost felt angry at the fact that if she hadn't gone looking for a place to hide, she never would have found him. Seeing him had raised her spirits tremendously, and at least it gave her something to think about during dinner besides what she'd come to think of as the impending doom of a marriage.

She didn't even understand why Randolph had chosen her, of all people. She'd never given in to his advances, never accepted the greasy fondness he'd tried to give her. She found him repugnant, and had told him so on several occasions. And no matter how many times she went over things in her mind, she couldn't understand why he'd picked her. Surely, he knew she'd do everything in her power to make him miserable? She'd kick and scream all the way to the alter, if she had too. But yet, she thought, I'm not kicking and screaming. I'm going along with it as if I don't mind.  If she had a stronger will, maybe she would have kicked and screamed. But it just seemed useless, and she kept going back in her mind to the conversation she'd had with her mother the day after her father had accepted Randolph's request to marry her.

"Mother, I don't understand why you and Papa would force me to marry anyone," Eleanor stood with her back against the kitchen table, her arms crossed, and shoulders hunched.

"I don't expect you to understand, Eleanor. But it's for the best."

"Wedding me to someone I find despicable is for the best?" the disbelief at her mother's words shot through her heart, leaving her hurt and lonely. Did they really care that little about her feelings? Truth be told, she'd never been close to her parents, in fact, she hadn't ever felt like anything except a person that needed to be fed and clothed, not a daughter. However, she still had thought they cared more about her than this, cared more than to send her off with a man she could barely hear his name without shivering with hatred.

"Yes, it's for the best." Her mother turned away from the bread she was making, her arms up to her elbows covered her flour from the kneading she'd been doing. She faced Eleanor, with a hard, cold stare. "If you had it your way, you skulk around until that Theodore came back, and then you'd marry him. Is that was you want, Eleanor? To be married to a doctor?"

"I never said I wanted to marry Theo," shock now resonated through her, where had her mother gotten that idea?

"Oh but you do! You've been a bag of potatoes since he left, you should be glad someone took interest in such a wallflower."

"Just because I don't enjoy gossip and wine doesn't mean I'm a wallflower, Mother."

"That's not what the Lady of Chrimbrage called you at the dinner last night. She said to me, 'darling Charlotte, where's your daughter? She's turned into too such a wallflower, I never see her!'"

"Well, pardon me for not caring what the Lady of Chrimbrage thinks of me."

"The Lady of Chrimbrage is very influential, as you well know. You needn't make an enemy of her."

"I'm not making an enemy of anyone!" Eleanor shouted, exasperated. Her arms uncrossed, and she put her hands on her hips, her fighting stance.

"Yes, you are! If you don't start going out in public and speaking to people that aren't your darling Theodore, you're going to become a gray maid that everyone pities. I will not have an old maid as a daughter."

"And I won't marry a man I hate!"

"Eleanor, dear, are you quite alright?" The Lady of Chrimbrage leaned towards her, her large breasts practically popping out of the too small corset she'd contained them in.

"Hm? Oh, yes, I'm fine," Eleanor blinked several times, smiling slightly. The Lady nodded, and leaned back in her chair. "I suppose you're just excited about your engagement, aren't you?"

"Oh, yes," Eleanor's mother jumped in, a simper lighting up her face. "We're all very excited about it."

Eleanor nodded woodenly, and wished she could just disappear. She looked around the table, looking for Theo. There he was, at the other end, laughing with a few of his friends. A frown flashed across her face, she felt jealous that Theo was having such a nice time, while she was stuck between two over aged gossips. "Eleanor," her mother hissed in her ear, when the Lady turned to speak to the duke on her other side. "I hope that Theodore being back won't make you act silly only days after your engagement."

Eleanor turned, a glare lighting up her features. "I will behave with Theo as I've always done, Mother. He's been away for over a year. I will not be kept from my best friend. And you'd be wise not to try."

  Her mother raised her eyebrow, and leaned away from Eleanor. "I don't appreciate this attitude, Eleanor. It's not as bad as you think it is."

"I beg to differ," Eleanor snapped back, just as the scraping of chairs around them signified the end of dinner. She pushed her chair back, and flounced off, leaving her mother looking slightly stunned behind her.

All the guests fed into the ballroom, and Eleanor allowed the masses to carry her there, staring down at her skirt, wishing she could just disappear. She knew she'd have to dance at least once with Randolph, and the idea not only scared her, but infuriated her as well. She would have to spend minutes with his clammy hands on her, and she wouldn't be able to stop him. A shiver overtook her as she reached the doorway into the ballroom, and with a small sigh, she pushed a smile onto her lips and entered through the double oak doors.

She was standing by a pillar, wishing more than anything she could go hide, when she felt hot, sour breath on her neck. "If I didn't know better, I'd think you've been avoiding me all night," said a voice, low and gravely. Eleanor closed her eyes for a millisecond, and then she turned, her best fake smile sliding easily upon her lips. "Oh, I'm glad you know better then," she hated this, hated pretending to like people when she didn't hated that a pretend smile could slide onto her face so easily. It shouldn't be that way.

 She missed really smiling. She missed really laughing, not the forced giggles she offered at lady's luncheons when her mother and her friends were gossiping.

            Randolph's grin was more of a leer, and made his features even uglier to her. His hair was a flaxen gold, dull and lifeless, greased down to his head for the ball. He wasn't muscular like most men his age, he had a paunch, and his eyes were sunken from too much strong drink. The beady little eyes were staring at her now, a little bloodshot, sliding over and inspecting her in her gown.

            Eleanor wished she'd insisted on something different to wear, wished she'd worn a different gown. The way he smiled as he stared at her chest, terribly exposed by the gown her mother had chosen. How do I get out of this? She thought, panicking slightly. The way he was staring at her scared her. He'd never done that before. Yes, he'd leered, but he'd always turned around before it became indecent. Now, he stood there, transfixed by her pale skin. "Ellie?" said a voice behind her, and she whirled around, forever thankful to her savoir. Behind her, Randolph straightened his spine and glared at Theo.

"Theo!" she said, holding out her hand for him to kiss. He grinned slightly and bent over her fingers, squeezing them, and then brushing his lips across her gloves. "How have you been?" she said, grinning at him and shooting him a look that clearly said thank you.

"How do you think I've been?" he said, suddenly serious.

"I apologize. That was quite insensitive--"

"I'm sorry to be rude, but who are you?" Randolph pushed past Eleanor, knocking her hand out of Theo's. I didn't even notice he was still holding it... She thought, and then glared at Randolph's back. "Doctor Theodore Smiths, at your service," Theo said, bowing. Exuding manners.

A slight blush graced Randolph's cheeks. "Randolph Addlington."

"A pleasure to meet you, my fine sir." Theo continued to act as though he didn't hate Randolph, and Randolph continued to be thrown off by the manners.

For a millisecond, Eleanor wondered if anyone had ever been genuinely nice too him, not just nice to get to him and his money. She wondered if maybe life had made him this way. Terribly bitter and almost always drunk. She pushed the thought of her mind. Randolph was a scummy pervert, and she couldn't feel sorry for him. "Ellie?" said a voice, pulling her out of her thoughts.

"Yes, Theo?"

"Would you do me the honor of dancing with me?"

She looked around, to see Randolph staring at Theo, looking thunderous, and then at Theo looking at her with a twinkle in his dark eyes. "I would be delighted," she offered him her hand, and he led her onto the dance floor, whirling her about so that her pearly gold skirt flew up a little around her ankles.

"He's a toad," Theo complained, pulling her close as the music slowed down.

"I agree. Imagine being married to him," Eleanor wanted to put her head on Theo's shoulder and let the sobs she'd been holding in for so long out in one big long wail.

"Oh Ellie, I'm so sorry. You know, I was thinking all dinner how I could save you from this."

"Were you? And what was your conclusion, that there's nothing to be done?" looking up at him, Eleanor saw in his face how determined he was to save her from the fear she had of Randolph and the impending doom of a marriage, as she'd come to think of it.

"You could run away," Theo said, looking out over top of her head, his chin brushing her carrot colored hair that was done up so fantastically for the ball. "Come with me, back to the camp. The war is soon going to be over, and then we can leave the country, go find another place to live."

"Run away?" Eleanor's mind started racing, all the things that would have to go just right for such a thing to work, all the things she'd have to take. Yet, there was no fear in her heart. Only hope. "Oh, Theo, do you think it would work?"

"If we did it tonight, it may."

"Tonight?" there was the fear. She imagined running back home to change, and Randolph following, stumbling drunkenly after her up the road. "I don't--"

"It's perfect timing, Ellie. We sneak out as soon as we finish this dance. We go back to your house, where the neighborhood is quite empty, I'm sure. We get everything you need, and then we take my horse and we leave."

Hope swelled in Eleanor's chest. "If you think we have the best chance tonight, let's do it."

"Fine, then. As soon as we're finished dancing here, I'll wander onto the terrace and eventually, around to the front. You take your time going the other way, through the front door, saying you need some fresh air or something."

Eleanor nodded seriously. "I'll meet you by the front in a few minutes." Theo whispered in her ear, as the music died down.

"I'll be there."

Theo let go of her waist, and bowed, and she dropped a curtsy. "Thank you for the lovely dance, my dear," he said.

"The pleasure was all mine."

They locked eyes, his saying that it would be fine, and her's asking the question if he was sure. They both nodded. It will be fine, Eleanor assured herself. Just fine.

In her mind, she knew this was a split second decision, and the thought of running away really should bother her. But it didn't. Whenever her heart started racing, as she pushed through the gaggles of on lookers that surrounded the dance floor, she just thought of being married to Randolph, and the palpitations slowed back down to a normal speed. She'd begged her mother not to make her marry the man, and her mother hadn't listened. She had to take her life into her own hands. She had to take her life into her own hands and fix what she wanted to be fixed. Theo will protect me, she thought, reaching the edge of the ballroom, about to duck out into the hall. Not that I need protected, but still.

"And where do you think you're going?" a hiss stopped her in her tracks, and she turned to see her mother, whose face was red with drink and anger. "You haven't even danced with Randolph yet."

"I was going into the banquet hall to get a drink. I'm quite parched."

"Oh, no you're not! Do you have any idea what a scene you've caused tonight?"

"What sort of a scene, pray tell?"

"You not only didn't talk to Randolph before dinner, you didn't talk to him afterwards, and then you handed your first dance over to your Theodore, leaving Randolph standing there looking angry. You had better not upset him and cause him to throw off the engagement, Eleanor," her mother grabbed her arm, her fingernails digging into Eleanor's skin. Eleanor reeled back, tearing her arm away from her mother's grasp. "Get your hands off of me!" she hissed, stumbling back into someone, who she didn't even bother to apologize too, standing stock still, staring at her mother.

  Her mother's face was now losing its color, growing paler and paler in the light from the chandelier that was hanging above her, the candle's glow making the jewels on her heaving breast sparkle like broken glass.

"Listen to me, Eleanor, and listen to me well. I will not be ruined because of your deluded impression that you're in love with someone. People don't just fall in love, and even if they do, they end up hurt in the end. Randolph is a good marriage, a sound one. He'll give you everything you could ever need and more. Why are you so against that?" Eleanor glanced around. None of the people that were around them were paying attention. They were too focused on the dancing couples, or on their conversations.

"I don't know why you're under the impression I'm in love with Theo," she said, turning back to face her mother. "But nothing could be farther from the truth. You're probably right when you say that Randolph will give me everything I need. However, I don't think you understand that I hate him, and always have. I can't let myself fall into a pit of destruction because he lusts after me."

Her mother looked slightly shocked, and her face was now as pale as the moon. "Stop being so dramatic, Eleanor. It is not going to be the end of the world if you marry someone you don't love. I did it. My mother did it. And probably my grandmother as well. It's just the way life is. You'll learn to be friends I'm--" she was trying to appease Eleanor, knew how close Eleanor was to screaming with anger and frustration. "I don't want to learn to be friends with him!" she turned; ready to run out of the ballroom and into the chilly dusk and into the arms of a life where there was no shadow of Randolph hanging over her.

  "You must!" her mother's voice was a squeak of protest.

"I won't!" Eleanor saw her chance, a gap between a giggling young woman being told off by her mother.

  Is that what she looked liked to the people around her? Did they merely think she was a laughing gay little thing, whom had no care in the world? That flirted with everyone until her mother stopped her with a firm hand? She closed her eyes and pushed past the two women, ignoring their stares. Now was not the time to have manners and curtsy as she passed. She ignored her mother's calls of "Eleanor, come back here! We are not done discussing this! Eleanor!"

  Once she was outside the ballroom, she sped up, since there weren't as many people out in the hall. A few young men were clustered in groups, debating loudly, and she passed them, her head down and her fists balled in the folds of her skirt. The anger at everyone, including her mother, was pumping through her veins like strong drink, and she practically stomped towards the front doors. She was even less of afraid of running away now, because there was nothing to keep her back. Not even a loving mother that only wants what's best for her daughter... She thought, reaching the entrance hall and looking around. There was no one here, just a pile of coats and cloaks shoved messily in a corner. She tiptoed over, laughing at herself for being so cautious, and started riffling through the heavy articles, looking for her's. Finally, she found it, the crushed royal blue velvet cape lined with wool. Her mother had insisted on a new cloak, telling her that her dark blue wool just wouldn't do for the party of the year. As she swept it over her shoulders, Eleanor rolled her eyes and hooked the clasp, pulling the hood up.

She slipped out of the front doors, the wind blowing the bottom of her skirt up around her ankles. She threw caution to the winds, eager to get as far away as she could from that accursed place and ran down the icy steps that led up to the mansion, reaching the path below. She ran along it, looking around for Theo, while holding her cape's hood on her head. "What are you running from?" said a voice behind her, making her jump.

"Oh, Theo! You scared me."

"Sorry, I couldn't resist. Are you ready?"

"Yes, I suppose I am," she cast one more look back at the house that, if she had stayed, would have become her home the following spring. No regret filled her heart, only excitement that she was escaping the impending doom of a marriage. She grabbed Theo's hand and squeezed it. "You have no idea how thankful I am for you, Theo. If you hadn't come tonight, convinced me to leave... I don't want to imagine what my life would have been like."

He winked at her, squeezing her hand back. "Let's run away, Ellie."

She nodded, ready to face the future, and not dwell on the past. "Yes, let's."