The Messengers- Chapter 1

by LadySpark

Published March 30, 2012

In Old, Old, Old

Rated 12+ for a rather graphic murder :3 

So. This used to be called Pens and Knives. All that's left over from that first draft of a novel is the first paragraph of the prologue thingy. I really really like this idea, and if I may toot my own horn, the plot is quite original (even if you don't see it now.)

Now, before you start complaining about how you don't understand anything and how you're so confused, please be paitent. It's the first chapter. I'm introducing the characters, making a little excitment. You'll get your info dump in the next couple of chapters :P Enjoy! Thanks for all reviews and likes :D

The Messangers

Prologue-

Evan bent down over his papers, reading from a text book that lay open to the 345th page. He was scribbling hard and fast, His eyes flying between the notebook and the textbook. She walked up behind him, her heart beating faster than it ever had before. Evan didn’t hear her faltering footsteps, muffled by the thick green carpet. She gripped the knife in her hand, tighter than she had ever held anything in her life. Tears were streaming down her face and into her long brown hair. She lifted her arms and stabbed down, piercing a wound in his back.

Blood spurted, falling thickly onto the carpet below, staining it crimson. His body was seized with convolutions, he leaned back until her caught sight of her face, tear stained, holding the knife above her head, preparing to stab his venerable neck. The blood flowed, streaming in little rivers across the floor, and pooling at the edges of the carpet. His face paled, and then he fell, his hands falling to his sides, lifeless and unmoving. She pushed his head over, flipping him to his other cheek and bent down, kissing his still warm lips. “Forgive me Evan,” she whispered, and then she walked away, her black stilettos splattered with warm scarlet blood.

His glassy eyes seemed to follow her as she stepped to the door, opening it. She didn't mean to look back, but she did, staring at the form of her lover. The person she had wanted forever. Now he lay on the floor, his neck still spilling blood, his eyes fogged over with death. She suddenly couldn't move, and felt frozen in place, her heart racing harder than it ever had before. She couldn't move her hand from the doorknob, couldn't take the small step that would get her out of this accursed room. As she struggled to move, her skin began to crawl with electricity, and her hair stood up on end, the shiny sheets become crimped and stiff. If she had been able to move, her eyes would have widened, her mouth opened. Because as phenomenal as what was going on inside her, what was happening to Evan was even more amazing. He was surrounded by golden light, that glowed softly, warmth radiating off it. Even though the golden light was warm, she felt like she was freezing, her whole body trying to shiver against the invisible bonds. Evan was hovering above the ground, straight up. Spinning like a top, The gold light became brighter and hotter, tendrils lashing out, coming close to her face each time. She wished she could run, avoid the hot fire tongues that were reaching out to devour her. How had Evan not burnt to a crisp by now, and fallen blackened to the floor? He seemed to glow just as bright as the fire, his skin pink as a newborn's, his wide blue eyes opened and staring. Staring right at her, flickering in the light. She wanted to close her eyes, wanted to look away, but she was still frozen, and the electricity was still running up and down her whole entire body, making goosebumps across her skin. And as quickly as it had begun, it ended. The golden light began to die, flickering blue then disappearing completely. The entire room, which had been glowing only  few minutes before, was suddenly dark. In fact, everything was dark. She couldn't see, her eyes seemed to be being

pressed down by heavy weights hanging from her eyelashes. The bonds that had formerly caused her only annoyance, became painful, tightening and tightening around her body. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't see, and she started to panic, trying to move. Every single time she tried to move her arms, the indiscernible shackles tightened. And then, all went still, and she didn't feel again.

Chapter 1-

Allyn rolled over, her face pressed against cold stone. Her whole body felt like it had been run over by a truck, sore and broken. I wonder if I can open my eyes, she thought, trying to move. Her eyelids struggled to open, hanging low and heavy. She moaned as she attempted to move her other body parts, but the pain that shot up her arms, legs and spine caused her to be completely immobile. Tears squeezed out of her swollen eyes, and her face burned red hot from the water. Trying to get her raging emotions under control, She forced her eyes to open wider, and they roamed around, taking in her surroundings. She was in a dark stone room, sooty walls growing taller and taller and finally disappearing into the darkness above. In the corners of the tiny room, hay was piled, stinking of decay. She tried to move again, and this time, only a dull pain shot up her spine. Even though it only made her groan in pain it did make her head spin, and her stomach lurch. Don't try to move, said a voice inside her head. Rest. Never being someone who was very good at listening, Allyn moved anyway, sending a wave of heat across her body, and making her belly flip double time. She had just enough time to lift her head before she was sick, bile splattering across the tiles. She rolled over, away from the sick and lay on her back, trying to breathe and take control of her raging senses. Her mouth and throat were burning, her stomach rolling around in discomfort and her whole body shaking from the exertion. "Help me." She said out loud, her voice shaking from lack of use. No one answered her, no one seemed to be there. Where was here, anyway? How had she gotten here? She didn't remember anything after stabbing Evan. A long golden blur was all she could think off. Had the police caught her? Was that why she was in this room? They knew she had murdered him? But no, only cells from the 1800's would be in this state, with hay in the corner. Then where was she? Had she wondered out of Evan's apartment and been kidnapped by someone? Her heart began to race as she considered the possibilities. But before she could decide which of them was actually probable, and the rest pure fear and panic, the door at the far side of the room swung open. The dark room was flooded with firelight flickering across the walls, shadows dancing after the light. Slowly, Allyn moved to where she could see who had entered, ignoring her body’s protests. Standing in the doorway, framed by light stood a man with white sheets of hair, that hung down his back. He was wearing clothes that looked like they were from the 1400’s, a tunic and tights, with a large belt tied over it. His eyes seemed to glow in the dark, and his hair shone like pearls. Everything about this man glowed. Even his skin made him look like he had been bathed in moonlight. “Greetings.” said the man, his voice silky and quiet.

“Hi.” She replied. Her voice was at odds with his. Where his was as smooth and melted chocolate, hers was rough and parched, cracking from lack of moisture. He raised his white eyebrows at her and stepped into the room, his shoes making soft lapping noises on the tiles. “Do you know what’s going on?” He asked, standing over her and looking down.

“No idea.”

Damnaret, Magister.” He muttered, his eyes scanning her bruised body. “Numquam exponit aliquid.” To Allyn’s surprise, she understood what he was saying, Damn the Master, he never explains anything. Her eyes widened and she stared at him.

“Who’s the master?”

He looked at her startled, and shook his head after a moments pause. “No one. Absolutely no one. You should probably come with me now.” He held out his hand, and she reached a shaking hand to take it, gripping it loosely. He pulled her up and she fell against him, her legs hardly able to stand her weight. “What happened to make me so sore?” She mumbled, moving slowly with him to the doorway.

“All in due time.” He replied shortly, jerking her along the corridor outside the room. “It’s time to make you suitable.”

“Suitable? What--”

“Surely, Ms. Allyn, you don’t want to stay dressed like that here, do you?” He said, shaking his head in disgust. She looked down at herself. Her black high heels, splattered in dried blood. Her long red soft hair hanging in a crumpled mess. Her skin stinking of sick. “No. I would rather not stay like this.”

“I thought so.” He continued to drag her down the corridor, passing closed doors. Allyn tried to look through their small windows to see inside, but the man guiding her was almost running now, his long hair bouncing against his back. They came to the end of the corridor, which was lit by torches, and stone just like the room she had been in. He yanked open a door, and pushed her into it, his eyebrows drawn together in annoyance. I wonder what he’s so angry about, she thought, watching him walk across the room to another door. This room was brightly lit, with a fire in a large fireplace, and torches every few feet along the walls. There was a stone bench built into the wall farthest from her, and stone shelves on the wall right beside her. On the shelves were pots of different things, bottles and boxes all labeled neatly. She stepped closer to them, reading the labels. BELLULUS, PULCER, SUSPENDISSE, OCULOS, CAESARIES, TERGUS, AUSCULUM. Before Allyn registered that she understood what all of those words meant, the man was back. “This is Doctor Shortz. He’s here to...improve you.”

Allyn shivered at the chill that came along with those words, and nodded, unable to open her mouth to ask exactly what ‘improving’ meant. Doctor Shortz was a short man, with a black goatee and mustache. His eyes were bright green, and just like the man’s, they seemed to glow. Unlike the man, his skin didn’t glow as if he bathed in moonlight, but instead looked as if he sat in the sun all day. His tan skin was at odds with the man’s as well. Such polar opposites, she thought, looking at them standing side by side. The man was scowling, his white eyebrows knitted together. While Doctor Shortz had an easy smile that didn’t seem to quite reach his eyes. “Hello, Miss Allyn.” He murmured. Allyn couldn’t answer, just stared at him. His voice was like a lazy cat’s purr, warm and rich, washing over her ears. Was everyone in this place perfect? “Come, sit on this bench here.” She followed him robotically, her legs moving stiffly. The stone bench was as uncomfortable as laying on the floor had been, but once again, Allyn found she couldn’t say a word. Doctor Shortz had a quick, whispered discussion with the man, and then started piling different instruments and pots onto a rolling tray. As he turned back to Allyn, the man slipped out the door, shooting Allyn a pitying look before closing it loudly. Doctor Shortz pushed the cart up to the bench and smiled. “Could you change into this gown, please?” He said, holding out a paper gown. “Just go through that door over there and there’s a little curtained dressing room.” She nodded mechanically and stood up, taking the gown out of his hands and following his instructions. Once she returned, he gestured for her to sit down. “I’m just going to give you a mild sedative. It’ll put you to sleep for a couple of hours.”

She nodded, trying to speak but really just issuing a small animal sound.  He told her to lay back, and pushed a needle through her skin. She felt a slight pinch, and then she fell into a dreamless dark sleep.

Comments & reviews · 6
User avatar
FallenAngel97
Comment
FallenAngel97 commented Comment · Apr 2, 2012

Great story! It's very descriptive! And at the top when I read "Pens and Knives" it reminded me of that song "Knives and Pens" by Black Veil Brides:)

Random avatar
Wicki
Review
Wicki wrote a review Review · Apr 1, 2012

This is nice work! :D
I'll only edit/review the prologue, as I don't have time to do Chapter 1 also.

[The Messangers]
Okay uh, this is probably just a typo, but yeah. Change that to "Messengers".

[Prologue-]
No need to add a dash. Okay, I'm sorry for nitpicking XD I'm OCD

[Evan bent down over his papers, reading from a text book that lay open to the 345th page.]
Fix'd: "Evan bent down over his papers, reading from a textbook that lay open to the 345th page." Good visual--however, is the page number important? I'll assume it is, as you mentioned it. If not, it should probably be taken out.

[He was scribbling hard and fast, His eyes flying between the notebook and the textbook.]
Again, good visual. However, little grammar errors can be a killer. Fix'd: "He was scribbling hard and fast, his eyes flying between the notebook and the textbook" OR "He was scribbling hard and fast. His eyes were flying between the notebook and the textbook."

[She walked up behind him, her heart beating faster than it ever had before. Evan didn’t hear her faltering footsteps, muffled by the thick green carpet. She gripped the knife in her hand, tighter than she had ever held anything in her life. Tears were streaming down her face and into her long brown hair. She lifted her arms and stabbed down, piercing a wound in his back.
Blood spurted, falling thickly onto the carpet below, staining it crimson.]
No errors in this. You did a good job with it. "Than it ever had before" and "ever held anything in her life" sound a little bit repetitive, but it actually delivers some sort of rhythm, so I'll leave it.

[Blood spurted, falling thickly onto the carpet below, staining it crimson. His body was seized with convolutions, he leaned back until her caught sight of her face, tear stained, holding the knife above her head, preparing to stab his venerable neck.]
I'm too lazy to Google it, but I think it's "convulsions" you mean, not "convolutions". If they both work then sorry for my laziness, haha. As for "venerable" that should definitely be changed to "vulnerable". Oh, common error--don't use commas to continue a run-on sentence. It should be "HIs body was seized with convulsions. He leaned back until..." etc.

[The blood flowed, streaming in little rivers across the floor, and pooling at the edges of the carpet. His face paled, and then he fell, his hands falling to his sides, lifeless and unmoving. She pushed his head over, flipping him to his other cheek and bent down, kissing his still warm lips. “Forgive me Evan,” she whispered, and then she walked away, her black stilettos splattered with warm scarlet blood.]
Good. Just add a comma--"Forgive me, Evan"--and unless she stabbed him with multiple knives, it's "stiletto", not "stilettos." XD

The paragraph was kind of long. Maybe you could break it up into 2.

[His glassy eyes seemed to follow her as she stepped to the door, opening it. She didn't mean to look back, but she did, staring at the form of her lover. The person she had wanted forever. Now he lay on the floor, his neck still spilling blood, his eyes fogged over with death. She suddenly couldn't move, and felt frozen in place, her heart racing harder than it ever had before.]
"Harder than it ever had before" was used before. Maybe get some variety in the description?

[She couldn't move her hand from the doorknob, couldn't take the small step that would get her out of this accursed room. As she struggled to move, her skin began to crawl with electricity, and her hair stood up on end, the shiny sheets become crimped and stiff.]
You mean, "the shiny sheets becoming crimped and stiff". Argh, no offense, but describing someone's hair as "shiny sheets" makes the reader feel as though the character is a bit of a Mary Sue. Consider revising.

[If she had been able to move, her eyes would have widened, her mouth opened. Because as phenomenal as what was going on inside her, what was happening to Evan was even more amazing. He was surrounded by golden light, that glowed softly, warmth radiating off it.]
Change to: "by golden light that glowed softly, warmth radiating from it". Good imagery.

[Even though the golden light was warm, she felt like she was freezing, her whole body trying to shiver against the invisible bonds. Evan was hovering above the ground, straight up. Spinning like a top, The gold light became brighter and hotter, tendrils lashing out, coming close to her face each time.]
Again, great imagery. Change "The gold light" to "the gold light".

[She wished she could run, avoid the hot fire tongues that were reaching out to devour her. How had Evan not burnt to a crisp by now, and fallen blackened to the floor? He seemed to glow just as bright as the fire, his skin pink as a newborn's, his wide blue eyes opened and staring. Staring right at her, flickering in the light. She wanted to close her eyes, wanted to look away, but she was still frozen, and the electricity was still running up and down her whole entire body, making goosebumps across her skin. And as quickly as it had begun, it ended. The golden light began to die, flickering blue then disappearing completely. The entire room, which had been glowing only few minutes before, was suddenly dark. In fact, everything was dark. She couldn't see, her eyes seemed to be being
pressed down by heavy weights hanging from her eyelashes.]
Excellent :O
Perhaps change to, "seemed to be pressed down by heavy weights". "Be being" is improper grammar, I think.

[The bonds that had formerly caused her only annoyance, became painful, tightening and tightening around her body. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't see, and she started to panic, trying to move. Every single time she tried to move her arms, the indiscernible shackles tightened. And then, all went still, and she didn't feel again.]
No errors, though you might want to play around with sentence formation to make it flow better.

All in all, this was great work though :D
You should probably break that second paragraph into two or even three paragraphs. It's long XD

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Flux
Review
Flux wrote a review Review · Mar 31, 2012

G'day, Spark. I have decided to review this wonderful piece of yours.

*


His body was seized with convolutions, he leaned back until her caught sight of her face, tear stained, holding the knife above her head, preparing to stab his venerable neck.


Okay, I was too lazy to nit-pick about any grammar thing I saw, but I had to pick this out. First of all, you need to change things around here; the comma after convulsions does not seem to fit in my opinion, so I'd suggest that you change it somehow. Maybe insert "As" before "His", or switch wording around to make it make more sense -- like a dash, or a semi-colon.

Next, you used the word "venerable". Dictionary.com says thus about the word. I'm only pointing this out, because after further reading, I discovered they were lovers, so she may -- in some sense -- find his neck rather venerable ... However, if it needs to be change, at least you've now seen it.

PROLOGUE:
Aside from big chunky paragraphs, this is the kind of thing that draws a reader in immediately -- after all, what could be more attention-grabbing than a woman in black stilettos coming to murder her lover?

Some suggestions that I might make are to draw things out more. Talk about how she feels. Maybe instead of so blatantly revealing that it's a knife (though I seriously enjoyed the line: "She gripped the knife in her hand, tighter than she had ever held anything in her life."). Maybe draw it out by describing it -- silver blade glints in the lamp-light by which he studies; or maybe she catches her reflection in it in some way. I'm not sure -- these are just simple suggestions. Because, after all, this is your piece.

She couldn't see, her eyes seemed to be being
pressed down by heavy weights hanging from her eyelashes.

I don't favour this alliteration thing going on between "be" and "being". Seems a little funky when you read it. Might I suggest revising it in some way, making a flow a little more sensible?

CHAPTER ONE:
But no, only cells from the 1800's would be in this state, with hay in the corner.

^ This line was a tad bit weird. Maybe revise in order to make it a little more discernible for the reader?

He looked at her startled, and shook his head after a moments pause. “No one. Absolutely no one. You should probably come with me now.” He held out his hand, and she reached a shaking hand to take it, gripping it loosely. He pulled her up and she fell against him, her legs hardly able to stand her weight. “What happened to make me so sore?” She mumbled, moving slowly with him to the doorway.

I think at this part you should maybe consider adding something about her thoughts of feelings -- after all, what motivates her to trust this man so easily when she's just awoken on the floor of a strange room in immense, aggravated pain?

However, your disclaimer need not be at the top of the page. This was an excellent first chapter. You need to fix some sentences and stuff, split paragraphs instead of having these massive chunks sitting on the page; however, those are only minor things. This really continued to draw you in, caused a reader to want to flip to page two. Where was this place? What was going on?

OVERALL:
Watch your commas.

I find that you sometimes insert them where they don't need to be, thus resulting in a staggered flow while reading.

*


Give Allyn a little more 'oomph' -- and my 'oomph', I mean, make her a person, not a blank slate. Blank slate main characters annoy me so much. I really love the idea that she killed Evan. That gives her substance. She'd automatically got a darker side to her.

However, a problem arose for me in the first chapter: she was just complying with what these people said. She needs to ask questions, and think, and have feelings. This will give us a greater sense of who she is. I understand that she needs to comply in order for the plot to move along, but if she has motivation and feelings behind her affirmative actions, then it allows us to know who she is.

Don't be afraid to make her think about herself, and what she's done.

*

Paragraphs.

Paragraphs, paragraphs, paragraphs!

You put these massive blocks of text on the page. Split them up! You ideas change many times within these blocks, and it makes it a billion times easier to read through things when there are paragraphs. It just looks better. And neater.

Must be a mind-over-matter sort of thing ...

*


Anyways -- thanks for the lovely read. I'll check back for number two!

User avatar
MiaParamore
Review
MiaParamore wrote a review Review · Mar 31, 2012

Hey, Spark!

I saw you had posted this so just came to review. Hope I am of some help.

Prologue:


This was amazing. I really could see the scene. To be honest, for a moment I couldn't believe it was your writing. Your writing has taken a huge step and for all the good reasons. I am just so happy to see how you've improved. Your descriptions were vivid, your imagery beautiful and your action was good, too. This was just amazing.

One problem I have though is that you should break your paragraphs. When you go back and read it, it would look like a huge chunk of words. So you need to divide it neatly into smaller paragraphs so as not to intimidate the reader's from the length.

I like the prologue in general. You have emotions, actions and you do go the plot ahead without giving away much. There were some instances where your sentences slipped a bit but nothing you should worry about.

Chapter-1

Your beginning over here was full of descriptions which might not really be a positive thing. If we read this as a continuation of the prologue, then this chapter is clear but otherwise it's not. Many people don't bother reading prologues and I know they are fools since if there's something in the book, it's supposed to be read. But anyways, we can't go around changing readers so your chapter-1 should stand out on its own. People should be able to understand.


Also, you had put in too many descriptions. Even though it's a good thing but for a start, I think it was a bit too much. You should try to tone down how she feels and trim some stuff. You shouldn't really lob descriptions at readers-I used to do it so I know readers don't really appreciate it.


I think you should add what Allyn was wearing. This would make us understand her personality. Besides that also tell us about the gown she is given to wear. I think you should add such information mainly because you are showing two different time periods and people need to know the difference.

Other than that, I don't really have much to say. It was a nice beginning, and with small corrections I listed this would be a splendid chapter. You've improved loads since the writing of what I read last and it's a pleasure to see this.

I hope this helps!

Mia

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AlexWaterfall Review
AlexWaterfall wrote a review Review · Mar 31, 2012

It is quite good so far. I like the mystery to it. I have no idea what's going on, and that's how I like it ;). You also have a nice sentence structure, and describe what's going on very well. It puts the perfect picture in my head. Great job, and keep on writing this. I can't wait to read more

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granger Review
granger wrote a review Review · Mar 30, 2012

It is amazing! I love the mystery of it, and It makes me want to read more. It's amazing writing, easy to understand, and also dark and mysterious. Great work, keep it up!



Nobody wants to see the village of the happy people.
— Lew Hunter