Shoalmain's Princess {I}

Hey there, Spark!

I'm here as promised

So okay, I liked this. I've always wanted to write a fantasy story, but I seem to lack the ability to come up with any decent story lines or characters. You however, seem to be doing just fine.

All the nit-piks have already been pointed out, so I won't bore you by repeating the things I was going to say. I will however, pick up on something that Stella pointed out. She made a really good point when she said about the pacing. Things just seem to be moving too quickly for a first chapter. There's no time for the reader to breathe between scenes. It would be the perfect time for you to give the reader the chance to get to know the characters a little more. Show us how Amira treats Aleda like a daughter, rather than a sister. Show us how close they are just before their brother arrives.

The two of them fell silent keeping their eyes, so much alike, trained on the highway.

"There he is!" Aleda squealed, jumping up and down, and yanking at Amira's skirts.
"I know. Come on my little bird, we'll go and greet him."

Drama! I just read your summary and it sounds like this is my kind of story! Magic shoes? Abandoned towers? I am SO THERE.

I. NITPICKS

Amira stood looking out over the dirt road bellow her, leaning over the railing of the balcony.

"Now Little Sparrow, is that anyway to be patient as Mother said?"

Though Amira was only fourteen, she was like a mother to Aleda,

It would benefit this family so much Mira."

Twas true that if she went with Alvar, it would help out a home.

"Is traveling ware, what’s dinner ware?" she giggled, drunk on all the new things,

This is a very good beginning to a story. I like how you made the main character very considerate and almost motherly, yet innocent and young. I enjoyed the dialogue and the affectionate nicknames. These characters are subtly, yet artfully created. Very nicely done.
I'm sorry, but it is a little confusing with such similar names all at once.
And it would be nice if you included the name of the setting, the land, etc.
Are her parents aristocrats? What do they do at the palace? Does her mother play lady-in-waiting to the queen or something? More background. How are the king and queen? What are their names. Are they just rulers? How come her brother was somewhere else and not with his siblings?
Something like that and you're perfect!
Keep up the good work!

Awww, looks like Sea beat me to it. But I'll still write what I wanted to write.

Again??? We are totally the same when it comes to doing this. But I know you can't help it-- new ideas just seem so exciting! Anyway, I really liked this new one and I'm waiting for more (please tell me you'll keep posting, don't be like me...). I've come to do the whole nitpicking thing. Though there's not much fault in this. So here goes:

Amira stood looking out over the dirty road bellow her, leaning over the railing of the balcony.

"I don't see him!" Aleda, Amira's younger sister burst out, as she peeked through the stone bars.

"Now, Little Sparrow, is that anyway to be patient as Mother said?" Amira chided, looking down at the little girl, whose light-red hair was glittering with sandstone dust.

Aleda blushed and shook her head, leaning back to look up and Amira. "I'm sorry Mira. I just haven't seen him in so long! I miss him!"

"I know, I miss him too."

The two of them fell silent keeping their eyes, so much alike, trained on the highway.

"There he is!" Aleda squealed, jumping up and down, and yanking at Amira's skirts.

"I know. Come on my little bird, we'll go and greet him."

~

Though Amira was only fourteen, she was like a mother to Aleda, and now, standing outside the courtyard, she fixed Aleda with a hard stare.

"Now, I know we haven't seen him in a while, but we have to hold ourselves properly. Show him how much you've grown."

Aleda nodded seriously, and let go of Amira's skirts, running across the court yard. "I've missed you!" She yelled, throwing herself at the young man standing beside a black horse.

"I've missed you too, Little Sparrow."

He walked over to where Amira was standing and embraced her (here I would add 'with a brotherly hug' because so far it looks as though they're a couple), still holding Aleda with one arm. "Come, let's go in and talk properly."

Amira followed him into the cooler outer chamber, thinking how much she had missed her twin brother, Alvar.

~

"Yes," Alvar said, leaning back against the chaise lounge's back. "It (here it's either 'twas' or 'it was'. You can't use both) twas a rough journey."

He turned to Amira, fixing her with a stare as cold as ice. "I want to take you back with me."

"Take me back?" Amira's heart was rising in her throat, "Why would you?"

"The King and Queen have called me into service. They want me to serve in the militia. I asked if I may bring you with me. To become a lady of the court. It would benefit this family so much, Mira."

Amira's heart was pulsing so fast, she felt faint. "Go to the palace? Live there?" she said, unable to believe it.

He nodded, stillthough he looked uncertain at what she would say.

"I don't know Var. It's not very easy to make such a decision..."

His face became hard, as it always did when he was determined. "You can't tarry over this. It’s either yes or no."

Amira stood up, looking at him with the same hard look. "You can't make me, at this second, pick up and leave my home. There are things to take into account. Bird for instance."

Aleda looked up, and fixed Amira with a one raised eyebrow look. "You want to stay here because of me? Starting to laugh, Aleda stood up and knelt at Amira's knee. "Don't give up thisthis up for me. Just don't. I can take care of myself, I'm not a baby anymore."

"I know, Little Bird." Amira stroked Aleda's hair, thinking hard.

'Twas true that if she went with Alvar, it would help out a home. It was no secret that they didn't have as much money as their mother wanted, but on the other hand, who would look after the house, the slaves and all the others? Amira's mother sat in bed all day, moaning, and eating. Amira's father was never home and all the responsibilities had fallen onto Amira's shoulders at a very early age.

What would happen to the manor without her there?

But on the other hand (you've just used this. Why not use 'nevertheless'?), how could she refuse? (You should add something like 'questions raced around her undecided mind' or something to show us her confusion before she makes her decision...)

"Okay Alvar. I'll go with you."

Alvar jumped up and started dancing. "You’re wonderful Mira. You won't regret this. I promise."

~

Amira leaned over the small trunk she had been supplied with and the clothes that were spread out on her pallet. Fine new clothes, not made by her own hand, but by a seamstress.

"It’s all so new and pretty!" She said to Aleda, who was sitting on a stool in the corner, bending over some white linen.

"Mhmm." Aleda nodded.

Amira picked up a lilac shift and held it up to her, looking at herself in the mirror. "If this," she picked at the fabric, silk, "is traveling ware, what’s dinner ware?" she giggled, drunk on all the new things, and folded the dress placing it carefully in the trunk.

Aleda sighed with delight and stood up, holding out the white linen. Stitched in the corner was an angel, dressed in a pale blue dress, with dark curls and pale blue wings. "That’s you!" she said happily. "Me?" Amira looked at herself, dressed in a plain, stained brown work dress.

"I don't see what you see Aleda. But, as always, you're probably right. Thank you. I love it."

Amira looked thoughtfully at her Little Bird, thinking of how, when Aleda was only five she had claimed there were dragons in the cave outside the manor. Or when there were elves in the bathing pool.

"Amira, look!" Aleda picked up a glass hair-band, covered in tiny, blue glass flowers, and green leaves that were so small Amira could barely see them. "Isn't it enchanting?" Aleda looked at it in wonderment. "Put it on."

Amira sighed and took the head-piece, and walked to the looking glass, fixing it into her dark locks.

"Beautiful!" Aleda shouted, dancing around with the light footsteps only she had. "Just beautiful."

Amira, blushing with the praise, pulled it out of her hair and set it carefully on the bedside table.

Aleda wrapped her arms around Amira and hugged her. "You’re so pretty Amira. Just like the fairy--" she stopped and blushed.

Amira, puzzled, hugged her back. "Thank you, Little Bird. I appreciate it."

And with that, they turned back to their packing.

Hello, Llama!
Very good beginning. Your characters work very well together, and you set the premise nicely.
The first thing I noticed was that you used the phrase "fixed her with a hard look/stare." I would suggest diversifying that a bit.
Nitpicks:

Amira stood looking out over the dirt road bellow her, leaning over the railing of the balcony.

Aleda, Amira's younger sister burst out, as she peeked through the stone bars.

"Now Little Sparrow, is that anyway

"I'm sorry Mira.

"I know, I miss him too."

The two of them fell silent keeping their eyes, so much alike, trained on the highway.

"There he is!" Aleda squealed, jumping up and down, and yanking at Amira's skirts.

Aleda nodded seriously, and let go of Amira's skirts,

"Come let's go in and talk properly."

Alvar said, leaning back against the chaise lounges back.

He turned to Amira, fixing her with a stare as cold as ice.

Amira's heart was rising in her throat. Period, not a comma "Why would you?"

I asked if I may bring you with me. To become a lady of the court.

It would benefit this family so much Mira.

He nodded, still look uncertain atas to what she would say.

"I don't know Var.

His face became hard, as it always haddid when he was determined.

You can't make me, at this second pick up and leave my home.

"You want to stay here because of me? Starting to laugh, Aleda stood up

Aleda stood up and knelt at Amira's knee.

I can take care of myself, I'm not a baby anymore."

"I know Little Bird."

Amira's mother sat in bed all day, moaning, and eating.

Amira's Father was never home and all the responsibility had fallen on Amira's shoulders at a very early age.

Alvar jumped up and started dancing.

Amira leaned over the small trunk she had been supplied with and the clothes that were spread out on her pallet.

Fine new clothes, not made by her own hand, but by a seamstress.

"Mhmm." Aleda said faintly, nodding.

"If this," she picked at the silk fabric, silk, "is traveling ware, what’s dinner ware?" She giggled, drunk on all the new things, and folded the dress, placing it carefully in the trunk.

Stitched in the corner was an angel, dressed in a pale blue dress, with dark curls and pale blue wings.

"That’s you!" she said happily. "Me?"

I don't see what you see Aleda.

Amira looked thoughtfully at her Little Bird, thinking of how, when Aleda was only fiveat age five, sheAleda had claimed

Aleda picked up a glass hair-band, covered in tiny, blue glass flowers, and green leaves that

Just like the fairy--" she stopped and blushed.