Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
day 16 (summer 2013)
All things considered, New England summers are cold. In comparison to the rest of America, we get off easy. Even on the hottest day of the year, it was only 90 degrees out. That didn't stop the stuffy air from almost chocking me. I was sitting behind the desk, flipping through the pages of my well worn copy of the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. The smell of old books was calming, and I could almost fall asleep in the warm office lulled to sleep by the buzz of the fan that was doing nothing but lifting my papers off my desk. Before I could take my nap, however, the bell tinkled, and I looked up to see another teenager come in, dark hair shoved underneath a Red Sox baseball hat. The door slammed behind him, stirring a little bit of a breeze inside the little waiting room. He approached the desk, his brown eyes scanning my face before he broke into a wide smile. "Hi," he said, leaning casually against the desk, as though he'd been coming here all his life. "I'm Percy."
I sat up straight and sized him up, taking in the blue polo shirt and brown cargo shorts, the vans and lanyard hanging from his pocket from University of Michigan. "Eleanor."
I felt nervous, like I should be fixing my hair or fluttering my eye lashes. As if. "That's a beautiful name," he said, "very classic."
"I'm glad you approve." It came out more sarcastically than I meant it to, but it made him grin.
"I'm here to make an appointment for my dog."
"You know you can call and make appointments, right?"
"Yeah, but I wanted an excuse to get away from all the unpacking."
"Oh, so that's why I've never seen you. Where'd you move from?"
"Michigan."
"I've never been anywhere but here," I said. For some reason, his easy smile made me want to tell him my life story from the very beginning.
"Anywhere?"
"Just Cape Cod a few times for vacation."
"I've never been to Cape Cod, is it nice?"
I snorted. "If you think the smell of beer and sand is nice."
He shrugged. "I suppose it can be."
"Not really." I leaned my chair back to where it was sitting on it's back legs. "I applied for a scholarship though. Scotland for a year, no looking back."
"Sounds like a dream."
I nodded. "So, your dog. What's its name?"
"Bailey. She's a German Shepard."
"Is she well behaved?"
Percy laughed, a big laugh that echoed in the empty room. "Bailey? Well behaved? That'll be the day..."
I sighed, marking the appointment sheet. "At least you're honest. I've known people who get really offended when I ask that question."
"There's absolutely no denying the fact that Bailey doesn't behave."
"I just need your contact information." I said, handing him a clip board and leaning back in my chair.
He wiped the back of his hand across his forehead. "It's hot in here, isn't it?"
"Angela doesn't believe in paying the air conditioning bill."
"Angela?"
"The lady who runs this place." I lifted my braid off the back of my neck, fanning with my other hand.
"Why doesn't she believe in air conditioning?"
"She likes to be 'one with nature' at all times. She thinks that air conditioning makes it harder to live in the moment or something."
'That's--"
"Angela."
He laughed and handed me my clipboard. "So, Eleanor. What's your story?"
"Don't you have somewhere to go?" I traced the edge of my book, the feel of the pages under my thumb oddly soothing. My heartbeat was so fast it felt like there was something in my chest trying to escape.
"No, please, I really don't want to go back to unpacking hell."
"I don't have a story."
"Everyone has a story."
"Well, mine is incredibly unremarkable and very boring."
He moved around the desk, leaning over to inspect the things sitting there. My book, my phone, and my blue leather notebook. "What's this?" he picked the notebook up, inspecting the cover.
I reached forward, but he held the notebook out of my reach. "For someone with a boring life, you certainly seem to have something hidden in this." He tapped the cover and grinned mischievously.
"Come on, give it back," I said jumping to try and reach it. Being a least a foot taller than me, he managed to hold it out of my reach easily. "You know, for someone I just met you seem to be very forward."
"What's forward about stealing your book?"
"Most people I meet settle for a handshake."
He looked own his nose. "If you think taking your notebook is forward, you're definitely going to think what I have to say next is forward."
I raised my eyebrow. "What's that?"
"If you want this mysterious book back, get coffee with me."
"You have to be kidding me."
"On the contrary, I'm completely and totally serious."
"I just met you! You could be an axe murderer or something."
He shrugged. "Could be, but probably not."
"Give me my book back an I'll let you live."
He laughed, his grin lighting up his face like a lamp. "Who's the axe murderer now? Come on, it's just coffee. Be nice to someone new in town in need of a friend."
"For someone who claims they want friends, you're not very good at making them. You've successfully pissed me off."
He shrugged. "It was a risk I had to take. Either you come get coffee with me, and tell me your unremarkable story, and get your book back, or--"
"Or you give me my book back and I don't kick you out on your ass."
"What's in here that's so important?"
"Nothing, it's just impolite to steal things. Didn't your mother ever teach you that?"
He made a face. "I make it a point to break rules."
"That's not safe."
"It hasn't failed me yet."
"Ah, but now you've met me." Checking the clock, I saw the hand move to the three. "And I don't go on dates with jerks who steal my things the day I meet them." I grabbed my phone off the desk and pushed past him. "Let me know when you wanna give me that back," I said, pointing at my notebook. "Then we'll discuss maybe trying this all again."
And with that, I walked out of the door, the bell tinkling behind me.
day 16, later... (summer 2013)
"You have to be kidding me." Nate looked absolutely incredulous, his taco half way to his mouth, mouth half way open. "You just left him there?"
"Yep."
"You're a fire cracker, I swear to God."
"He was being a jerk! I'd never met him before, and he acted like we'd been friends our entire life."
Nate rolled his eyes. "You like him."
"Why on earth would you say that?" I threw my fork down, staring at him in disbelief.
"As someone who spends the majority of their time in love, I can tell when someone else is in love, Eleanor."
"I most definitely am not in love with him. He was a jerk."
"He still has your notebook." Nate pointed out, shoving the last bite of his Chipotle into his mouth.
"I know."
"What if he reads it? You've never even let me read it."
"I'm starting to think it's kind of idiotic."
"You keep telling yourself that, maybe you'll believe it. Seriously, what's in there?"
"Nothing, it's stupid. And nothing I can finish now."
"What do you mean?"
"Well if I get that scholarship..."
"No, we're not talking about that." He stood up, carrying his tray to the trash can, dumping his wrappers and then coming back to the booth. "We're pretending that isn't happening till it happens."
"It's happening, Nate."
"You don't even know if you'll get it, Eleanor."
I fixed him with a 'you're kidding, right?' stare. "I have to get it."
"I know you do." He looked sad for a moment, staring at his hands. "I just don't want you to."
"That's kind of selfish, don't you think?"
"It's kind of selfish for you to leave me alone, Ellie. You're my best friend."
I smiled sadly, and pushed my bag of tortilla chips towards him. "And you're mine."
He winked, an evil grin spreading across his face. "That sappy stuff worked on you? I didn't think I'd get your chips that easily."
"Jerk."
"You love me."
"Yeah, I do. Now let's get out of here. I'm feeling some ice cream." I picked up my tray, and he followed, crunching my chips as loudly as possible.
"I'm not letting this go, by the way. This is the first boy I've ever heard you talk about with such passion. You likkeeee him."
"Shut up."
"Not happening, short stuff." He winked and pushed past me, opening the door with an exaggerated bow.
day 18 (summer 2013)
Rain makes me sleepy. It's a proven fact that Nate has tested time and time again by putting me in odd situations when it's raining and watched me fall asleep in the middle of whatever it was I was doing. So it'll come as no surprise that on day eighteen, I was fast asleep, my head on my desk, the cool breeze blowing in through the open window.
I also don't wake very easily. My mom says a class five hurricane could blow through town, and all I'd do is pull the covers up over my head. So it's also no surprise that Percy had to clear his throat for at least five minutes, and poke me multiple times before I finally woke up from my nap. "Hi," he said, looking slightly sheepish.
"What are you doing here?"
"Well, I came to drop off Bailey for her appointment." he lifted his right hand slightly, showing me the pink sparkly leash he was holding. I stood up, looking over the edge of the desk to see a panting dog looking up at me with the sweetest smile on her face. "She doesn't look like she misbehaves," I cooed, reaching to pet the dog's ears. The dog's eyes closed in absolute contentment.
"She's an actress," he said dryly, shaking his head. Today, he was wearing a Nike base ball cap, black t-shirt advertising some soccer team in Michigan, and grey basket ball shorts. He looked me, still slightly sheepish. "I have something for you. Two somethings, actually."
I raised my eyebrow. "Yes?"
"First, I owe you this." he placed my book on top of the desk. "I didn't read it, or open it. I promise."
"Thank you." I picked the journal up, holding it against my chest.
"I also owe you an apology for being such an asshole."
"Yeah, you do."
"I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?"
"Well, you did return my journal. And I believe that you really didn't look in it, so maybe."
He came around the desk, Bailey following behind him, and bent down on his knee. "Please forgive me for being irredeemable asshole."
I snorted, "If you think that's gonna work, you have another thing coming. I prefer sincerity to theatrics."
He sighed. "You're a hard one, Eleanor--what's your last name?"
"Monroe."
"You're a hard one, Monroe. But I'll crack you before this is over. We're going to be friends."
I rolled my eyes, "Okay Detective from a terrible cop show, just give me your dog. She'll be done in a few hours."
"Would you kill me if I stuck around until then?"
"Yes."
"Damn. I guess I'll be back later, then."
"I guess you will," I said, taking the leash from his hand and pulling the dog towards the back room.
"Bye, Monroe."
"My name is Eleanor."
"Monroe is more badass, and from the looks of you, you need help in that department."
"I'm plenty badass, thank you," I said, turning towards him, hand on hip.
"Sure you are, Monroe."
"Oh, just get out of here. And don't come back for a few hours."
"Yes ma'am." He mock bowed, an left, the bell slamming against the glass of the door.
I looked down at Bailey, shaking my head. "Your owner is a jerk, Bailey. I hope you don't follow in his footsteps."
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So I'm not exactly sure how to say this, primarily because this reads so much like a first draft I know that it's supposed to be the single most barebones outline of what characters are like that just comes out even if some of the tropes are really problematic.
Therefore.
I'm going to try and focus more on what to focus on in the rewrite.
First off, you are playing with fire in trope use. You have:
1- The smooth-talking yet abusive prettyboy who makes the cynical MC's heart soften
2- The insistence that's love and not enough character development to show Nate's wrong
3- The fact she actually does soften up for Percy despite the fact he's displaying warning signs far, far worse than Nate ever did
4- Clothing description for him when literally nobody else gets it
5- Everybody is sarcastic and the repercussions never get followed up on, not really
6- The guys dictate everything about the MC and define her for her so she never gets to define herself, only react to their definition.
These are all extremely... common tropes. Which have some really nasty undertones to them, and make me not want to continue (I actually forced myself to read past the part where he took her notebook) simply because it's falling into sexist romance tropes and they're not being countered, or at least not being countered very strongly.
It was really easy to spot the romance. I was continuing to stare at Nate's behaviour and wondering why in the world they are friends. Their friendship dynamics did a 180, with them now going sweet and cheesy which I did not see any signs of previously. I understand they're still in the establishing character phase, but it would've been nice to see some signs of this previously.
I think the thing that bugs me the most is how all the guys in this story, so far, have defined her, and she's only put up some passing mentions of protest and the guys are consistently disrespecting her requests to not do the behaviours that bother her. That does not sound healthy for me. I also really want more of her, more of her wants and desires and reactions. She's not really been given her own voice, her own ability to chose, and her own ability to define herself. It leaves me struggling to relate to her, even if this does hint there's something else there. It's just buried in jerkass guys who are not treating her anywhere near close to right and she's protesting but proceeds to go along with it pretty shortly afterwards.
All in all, I want more her. The actual her, not the sarcastic, cynical, I hate everything her. You're better on that part of her character with this chapter, but it's still really... full of reactions, instead of anything about the character being proactive. I want her to have some time to define herself. Be more in her head, more in her emotions. Right now it's all dialogue and she's not thinking, not feeling. All she does is speak, and the guys get longer dialogue tags than she does so they get more characterization over her.
And this is in first person, which should be the best way of getting inside her head. Unfortunately, we can't get inside her head if she hardly ever narrates anything and spends all her time talking.
You know where to find me.
~Rosey
Yay Scotland!
Overall I think this story is brilliant! I liked the characters, and I really think they'd be fabulous together! XD
The only thing that sort of annoyed me was the amount of dialogue. Conversations are like that in real life, but in stories, try cut them shorter and or break them up with descriptions and everything. I haven't read part one, but really great job so far!
Me again!
I'll get straight into it, methinks.
Pfft, Scotland is poo. Come to Wales, duh.
Right, well I can't say I really have any nit-picks. It all looked got to me, so kudos to you for that. As for the chapter in general, it was another good one, in fact I preferred it to the last one because now I feel like the plot has direction. Again, your characterisation is great, and I really like Percy. You could have easily gone a little over the top with him and made him a massive arsehole, but you didn't. He and Eleanor have great chemistry, and I'm intrigued to see where their relationship is going to end up. Also, I forgot to mention this when I was reviewing the first chapter, but I really love your title. It's unique and catchy, so yay for that.
Now as for critiques and all that, I was a little surprised that El was suddenly working. Didn't she have to have an interview or anything? I've applied to a billion jobs recently and not a single one has been a case of 'yeah sure, have a job' without any interview or anything. Granted, I'm from Wales (UK), so the system may be entirely different. Just something to think about, is all.
Oh, and shouldn't El have waited for whoever was working the next shift before just leaving? The reception will be empty until that other person comes, right? My boyfriend works in a similar job, see, and he can't leave until there's someone else there to take over. This one guy turned up two hours late once, and my boyfriend had to work those extra two hours, it was anarchy, I tells ya. But yeah, it just seemed odd to me that Eleanor got up and left without making sure there was someone there to take over the reception.
Another little, tiny nit-pick I have is that you tend to use the word 'hell' a lot. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that, I just think you could vary it up a bit. Summer is hell, the waiting room in the last chapter was hell, Percy described something as hell in this chapter e.t.c. Just vary up your adjectives, I suppose.
The only somewhat substantial critique I have for you today is that I can't help but feel like El is trying too hard to hate Percy. I can tell you want to make it so that she comes across as not liking him (but secretly liking him), but I think it's coming across as a bit strong, at the moment. Eleanor's dislike seems a little too forced. I mean, judging by the way she speaks about him/to him, you'd swear he'd dismembered her and planted her body in a bin. I mean, he's hardly an awful person. He stole her stuff, which isn't cool, and he teases her a lot. That's all though, and it's all harmless. I'd suggest you either tone Eleanor's hatred down, or make Percy come across a bit worse.
On a similar note, while I don't personally see this as much of an issue, Eleanor could potentially come across as rather whiny to some readers. She isn't too bad at the moment for me as a reader, but I know some more impatient readers may find her a bit too whiny because she does tend to complain about a lot. I personally quite like it because she's very sarcastic, but I think even I might start getting a bit fed up of her complaining if it does continue into the rest of the chapters. It's just something to keep an eye on, really.
That's it, I think. As always, if you have any questions or comments or anything, don't be afraid to let me know. I'm more than happy to help!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
In my head 3 is when the office closes, and the owner locks up, so she could leave without saying anything and it be fine. Mmayyybeee I should make that more clear xD. Also, it's a really small town so it's not really a surprise that she got offered the job so quickly. Places like this most of the time find the person they want and don't even HOLD interviews. No, it's not exactly fair, but small towns bro.
I'm actually really worried about her being whiny. Like you, I absolutely adore the sarcasm, but I can see where it could get annoying really fast. Hopefully as the chapters grow the characters'll grow too, so Eleanor will become more than her sarcasm and Percy will learn from his assholeish ways, and Nate will fall in love for real... I'll work on toning down the sarcasm for the next chapter, definitely.
Thanks for pointing out the hell thing, I hadn't even noticed... I guess I use it a lot in real life and it just crosses over to my writing lol.
I think the way Eleanor reacts to Percy is a similar way I would react, actually. That notebook is really important to her, which, looking back, I should have stressed. She's a private person and doesn't like people touching her stuff. Percy just waltzes in, steals her stuff and then has the gal to say "go on a date with me"? I dunno, maybe it was a little bit of an over kill. Anyway, thanks love! You're the best <3
Ohhhhhh, I get it. Maybe note that, that the place closes at three to be extra safe. Ah I see, I live in a small town and no one will hire me around here, so it's resulted in me having to trudge to Cardiff (capital city) to get a job #smalltownssuck .
Try not to worry to much about that, I mean it's not a problem at the moment, I wouldn't say. You don't necessarily have to make El less sarcastic/make her complain less, just make her make positive comments more often, maybe. Like, she might eat a slice of toast that tastes like heaven. Granted, an awful example there, but d'you get what I mean?
Yeah I get'cha, maybe emphasise how private Eleanor is and how much her notebook means to her, so that way her reaction doesn't potentially seem a little extreme. That's not a major issue for me or anything though, so that's entirely up to you!
But yeah, you've got a good thing going here. Be sure to let me know when you post the next chapter!