Hi there LadyBug! Lim here with a review.First Impressions and InterpretationI thought this was an interestingly worded poem. The first mood I got was an ominous one, with some undertones of melancholy. Then the speaker’s desperation and feelings of helplessness are revealed as the poem goes on, which emphasises the mood of sadness. The way the poem is formatted feels very tidy and helps enhance the patterns that repeat between stanzas, like the one short line in the middle and the use of numbers. I interpret the subject matter of this poem as being about the connection between two people, the speaker and the addressee. The speaker starts off musing about the addressee’s place in their life and then seems to fear that the addressee will no longer visit/ be with them one day. The phrase “the biggest mistake i have yet to make” is what gives me this impression, as well as the phrase “how many”, implying that the speaker thinks the addressee is putting up with their mistakes in a way and wonders how long that will last. The second stanza seems to focus more on the positive side of their friendship/relationship, with images like “twinkle”. The third stanza shows the speaker communicating directly to the addressee and asking them not to leave. StructureI like the amount of ‘movement’ that happens from stanza to stanza. The way I read it, each stanza develops the topic and takes it in a new direction, but without straying too far such that the reader can still see the connection, if that makes sense. Something that doesn’t seem to have a regular pattern is the sound devices and the rhythm. For example, “bloody, bloody knuckle punches” is the only place where a word is repeated twice for effect. That makes it stand out a bit. Could it be that the speaker is hammering in the largeness of the mistake they have “yet to make”? The comma in the first line also feels a bit awkward since there are no other lines where punctuation happens in the middle of the line, and I’m not sure what it’s meant to do there. Is it to make the train feel more surprising in the text? Or is it marking a dramatic pause?Word ChoiceI definitely had to google a number of the words here, like “malapert”. Without looking it up, I thought it was something objectively bad because of the “mal-“ suffix, but knowing its meaning it seems that the addressee only introduces a kind of stubborn/obtrusive nostalgia, like the “unannounced train”. If you’re looking to communicate that very unambiguously, maybe another word might be better there. If you’d like to keep that ambiguity then – hey, it works. Something else I noticed about the word choices is in the ‘happiest’ part of the poem, which I think are the following lines in stanza 2:
comforted now only by the sparks of a fire,half as warm and bright as your twinkle.
The intensity of emotions in this poem just leaves me baffled. All the stanzas are similar to each other but at the same time, they are very different...The imagery builds a picture in the reader's head and every line further weaves into a storyline and it's impressive! There are lines in every stanza that make my heartache (with this you know you did a great job!) The hyperbole in every stanza with the number of moons and midnights just brings this whole piece to life, it makes it real. I only have one piece of advice and it's not critique cause I find this poem to be perfect. You could have a rhyme but not too much like two lines in a stanza it would've gone well with the hyperbole while seeking the attention of the reader...The parts of lines that had me were---"but every night has beenthe anniversary of the biggest mistake i have yet to make.""because i promise you I will keep you like our secrets,"It's a well-written piece.Keep writing!~Lubna
116,893 Literary Works • 632,618 Reviews