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in a box under my bed

by LadyBug


                                     


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6 Reviews

Points: 294
Reviews: 6

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Fri Apr 07, 2023 1:25 pm
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tautik1234 wrote a review...



Hey LadyBug! Here with a quick review.

So the poem is very short and sweet filled with grief. I feel the poem implies that the two (poet & love interest of the poet) are separated/about to be separated by Karma, asking it whether they are meant to be together or not. I felt the poem lost the flow at the line:
"in a box under my bed, karma rues
What i wanted you
to be or not to be is the one question"
because of the punctuation marks used. Whether they meant it to be a pause or not, I am not able to contemplate it. Finally, the poem was a good quickie that was about the poet who had hid the pains of his/her partner and made them happy. Good one!




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77 Reviews

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Reviews: 77

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Wed Mar 15, 2023 11:51 pm
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SofieR wrote a review...



Hey there! Sofie here with a review!

Man, I love how short and sweet this one is. I think my favorite part is the Hamlet reference;

"to be or not to be is the one question"

Also I love the opening line

"I keep the receipts of your pain"

That just immediately hooked me and got me wanting more. Great job!




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185 Reviews

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Sat Mar 11, 2023 9:43 pm
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FireEyes wrote a review...



Heya LadyBug! Incoming review!

Short and simple this one is. It gives off the sad musings of the slightly painful memories you find under your bed as you put it. Nothing much else to say in that regard, on with the review!

I'll start with critique.
Of course, this poem is stylized with way to punctuation, but I also believe that the inherit style of the poem should enhance the poem itself. I had to read it a few times in order to understand the flow you were going for, and still I am a little confused. I feel like a period for the full stop would make the poem have a better sense of clarity.

Currently the line break of

in a box under my bed, karma rues
What i wanted you
is clunky because of that loss of clarity with no punctuation besides the comma. Another way for clarity to work can be formatting wise, but I don't have enough expertise in that field yet, but I think you can figure it out, as you are a very very strong writer.

But that's all the critique I have, let me praise your work!
i keep the receipts of your pain
Wadded up in balls
in a box under my bed
It's such a bitter and contemptuous beginning tinged with regret and longing. You don't throw them away, yet you don't pin them to your cork board. I also feel shame in keeping them but you could feel like you've lost something valuable in them if you threw them out. Like keeping pictures of an ex because you think things could work out again. It's amazing how I could feel so much in just 3 simple lines.

But that's all I have for today. Sorry for the shorter review. But either way I hope you found some of it useful. I always enjoy your poetry, it makes me feel things I didn't know I could feel. Anyway byeeeeeeeeeee<3




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9 Reviews

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Reviews: 9

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Sat Mar 11, 2023 2:51 am
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phantasm wrote a review...



Hey LadyBug!

So wow, I really love this whole idea! I think my favorite part of the poem was the first half; the image of wadded up receipts is really creative in suggesting how something could be thrown to the side/crumpled up but not completely gone or forgotten. This is a theme I feel strongly attached to in my own writing and I enjoyed your execution of it!

The first line definitely drew me in instantly. The image of "receipts of your pain" is clever and quite relevant to the idea of pain from the past. It's something that you can possibly move on from, but will always be lingering in the "depths," or in this case the speaker describes it piled underneath their bed. I have to say I like the juxtaposition this imagery creates; the discomfort of pain against the setting of home/bedroom definitely creates an impact while reading. This would have been something cool to have seen explored a little more in the poem - we're told that the speaker is "haunted eternally" but how? Describing this idea of being "haunted" in a place so close to the speaker is really a powerful idea that might be worth elaborating upon, especially to end off the poem with a vivid image for the reader to sit with!

I like the simplicity in formatting and punctuation; something about the shortness of each line with minimal commas/periods leaves an affect of pondering, or wondering, along with the speaker. There's almost a stronger impact when the lines are stripped of typical punctuation structure. The line "Who do i repeat it" left on its own feels so raw and vulnerable. I think you did a great job balancing out the lines and formatting the poem with intention.

Wadded up in balls
in a box under my bed

The repetition of "in" in such close succession felt a little clunky(?) to me? It disrupted the flow slightly while reading and I just thought I'd mention it since it could possibly be rephrased to flow more naturally!

I noticed you chose to leave everything uncapitalized except for three lines, and was curious about the decision behind this? Typically in poetry I see capitalization as a stylistic choice, though I thought I'd make a note of this since it wasn't consistent with each line.

I believe those are all the comments I have! Thanks for sharing your poem, and I hope you found some of my review helpful! Hope to see more of your poetry in the future! Take care :]





Percy fell face-first into his pizza.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena