Hey there! Sofie here with a review!
Man, I love how short and sweet this one is. I think my favorite part is the Hamlet reference;
"to be or not to be is the one question"
Also I love the opening line
"I keep the receipts of your pain"
That just immediately hooked me and got me wanting more. Great job!
Heya LadyBug! Incoming review!
Short and simple this one is. It gives off the sad musings of the slightly painful memories you find under your bed as you put it. Nothing much else to say in that regard, on with the review!
I'll start with critique.
Of course, this poem is stylized with way to punctuation, but I also believe that the inherit style of the poem should enhance the poem itself. I had to read it a few times in order to understand the flow you were going for, and still I am a little confused. I feel like a period for the full stop would make the poem have a better sense of clarity.
Currently the line break of
is clunky because of that loss of clarity with no punctuation besides the comma. Another way for clarity to work can be formatting wise, but I don't have enough expertise in that field yet, but I think you can figure it out, as you are a very very strong writer.in a box under my bed, karma rues
What i wanted you
It's such a bitter and contemptuous beginning tinged with regret and longing. You don't throw them away, yet you don't pin them to your cork board. I also feel shame in keeping them but you could feel like you've lost something valuable in them if you threw them out. Like keeping pictures of an ex because you think things could work out again. It's amazing how I could feel so much in just 3 simple lines.i keep the receipts of your pain
Wadded up in balls
in a box under my bed
Hey LadyBug!
So wow, I really love this whole idea! I think my favorite part of the poem was the first half; the image of wadded up receipts is really creative in suggesting how something could be thrown to the side/crumpled up but not completely gone or forgotten. This is a theme I feel strongly attached to in my own writing and I enjoyed your execution of it!
The first line definitely drew me in instantly. The image of "receipts of your pain" is clever and quite relevant to the idea of pain from the past. It's something that you can possibly move on from, but will always be lingering in the "depths," or in this case the speaker describes it piled underneath their bed. I have to say I like the juxtaposition this imagery creates; the discomfort of pain against the setting of home/bedroom definitely creates an impact while reading. This would have been something cool to have seen explored a little more in the poem - we're told that the speaker is "haunted eternally" but how? Describing this idea of being "haunted" in a place so close to the speaker is really a powerful idea that might be worth elaborating upon, especially to end off the poem with a vivid image for the reader to sit with!
I like the simplicity in formatting and punctuation; something about the shortness of each line with minimal commas/periods leaves an affect of pondering, or wondering, along with the speaker. There's almost a stronger impact when the lines are stripped of typical punctuation structure. The line "Who do i repeat it" left on its own feels so raw and vulnerable. I think you did a great job balancing out the lines and formatting the poem with intention.
Wadded up in balls
in a box under my bed
117,543 Literary Works • 636,616 Reviews
Points: 16
Reviews: 70
Donate