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140,079 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hey, it's Serrurie, here to leave a review! Let's dive in:
Wow! This is very unique. You have an AMAZING handle on personification, and I can't help but feeling like I want to meet the planets at a deeper level (seriously, please make this a series). They feel like those morally grey, tragic characters in YA stories. I wish this was longer! I also really like how you start the lines of the poem lowercase.
Happy writing, and have a blessed day!
Serrurie
Wow!! Okay, first of alll... your vocabulary and use of language in this poem is stunning! That really stood out to me. It makes me feel that you are very well educated, knowing a lot about the topic that you are writing on, but at the same time, you combine it with these deep emotional thoughts and reflections. The factual meets personal- which I LOVE!! The relaxed font and style is beautiful to look at.
That is just beautiful! It feels like a train of thought, moving throughout this marvellous space scene. As other reviewers have said, I think that this provides beautiful imagery, even without a lot of sensory details or specific descriptions. It is all mental and emotional, which is everything we need. The flow is incredible too. This poem feels like a gorgeous tongue twister that melts off the tongue.
Overall, fantastic work <33
Your friend,
Ellie
Hello LadyBug I hope this finds you well.
GoodieGoat
This is a lovely poem. My first two impressions are that first, this poem is the most enigmatic I've probably yet come a crossed on the site, which gives me as the reader more room for introspection and interpretation. Second is that generally I prefer poems with a traditional rhyme scheme at the end of each line. Nevertheless I think the overall free verse structure with alliteration and a few internal rhymes sprinkled in really add to the thoughtfulness of your poem.
The way I personally interpret this is that there is some individual whose heart, companionship, and company is a source of carefree, unfiltered, astronomically powerful love. This is contrasted with Jupiter, keeping in tone with the space themes. Who is this massive bulk slowly grinding about the solar system. Who yearns for a similar fellowship but alas is deprived of it leaving a gaping whole in his heart. Perhaps as well Jupiter's size and being the foremost god of Roman mythology undercuts the depth and scope of the main character's love. As for the last stanza, perhaps this is a way of expressing just how much this person means to you as the author. The fact that the sunrise 'never combusts' yet a 'solstice has yet to implode' is a reflection that meaningful relationships in real life never truly "culminate". Yet every moment of that relationship is a splendid and intense as the alignment of astronomical bodies.
The only critiques I can offer are on the grammar. Unless it was done deliberately I'd change the "...when he meets you eyes" to "...when he meets your eyes", and "jupiter wishes his juxtaposed to the consistency you have." to "jupiter wishes he was (or 'could be') juxtaposed to the consistency you have."
I hope I've been of encouragement!
Hi, VintageGirl here!
I don't have a lot to say because... wow. You conveyed so much in a few sentences. I love the alliteration in the last line about the "solar-system solstice." The entire thing has a nice flow. I also love the allusions to love throughout, platonic or romantic. I can't decide which line I love more:
"your incandescence, a phosphorescence, essence i can't quite capture"
or
"and i learned in my 5th grade science class that planets have heartbeats too."
There is one typo in the poem, in the first line. I think you wrote "you" instead of "your." But overall, excellent poem.
Keep writing!
awww, thank you so much!
This poem is so gorgeous. :0 I can see the stars and solar system with the words written in this. It’s like the whole solar system is sparkling. I think that it’s about your admiration for your friend and the imagery from the words are really cool. At least, that’s what I think it’s about. Reading this, it feels like a romance, with allusions to space.
Great job and keep on writing!
I wish you a wonderful day/night.
thank you!! i'm glad my point comes across, it's about a man named bert who i met while at a butcher's shop in Italy!
It's nice, I give u. Although I didn't really know what you were trying to paint but it's cool😊
i give u back %uD83D%uDE0A
This isn't really a review-review, if you catch my drift. I just truly admire the way you wrote this, and it's clear to see that it's maybe not a romantic kind of love, but a deep, platonic love that goes deeper than the distance between planets. I don't know. It's just beautiful and I'm obsessed with it, especially this line:
"and i learned in 5th grade science class that the planets have heartbeats too."
Wowzah.
thank you so much!