I got to say line 3 was my favorite. The choice of words was very original, and, even though it was short, I enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoy fantasy novels. I wish I could come up with something as great as this, but I'm not too good at writing poetry. I hope to get better tho.
Thanks for the poem-FlameCatcher57
hey ladybug!
let's dive in <3
i really like the play with font here, your choices were distinct enough that I noticed their purposeful switch and also cohesive and readable. You handled that very well!
i myself enjoy the employ of random numbers to signify something more significant, but I notice you have a lot of numbers here and none of them are really connected to your larger story. I, as a reader, can only assume a things from this. First, they either have great personal meaning to you as the writer, which I'll never be able to grasp unless you explicitly tell me what that meaning is. Or these numbers are supposed to mean something to me. It's hard for me to believe this option, because they truly seem random. That being said, there's nothing exactly wrong with having an unconnected narrative from these motifs you're using. I just wish there was some sort of relevancy outlined to us as readers so we understood why you chose to include so many. 108 in line one, 11:48pm in line four, 161 in line five— and then a distinct drop off from it when you switch stanzas/fonts. I can't help but think this could have been structured differently to have a more secure through line between stanzas/fonts or to just simply reduce the clutter in stanza one. The numbers feel a little distracting from your overall story and imagery because they are so seemingly random.
my favorite line is after the font switch, line four of stanza two. it feels like the most effortless of the whole poem— and having read your poetry from afar for quite awhile now (I'm pretty sure it's my first time reviewing it!), your best stuff is written in that effortless voice and tone you have here. I would nix the "and". it's superfluous and detracts from the imagery. make it "this is our era of wearing my hair up so youll fall in love" and it provides a stronger punch and more active narrative voice.
honestly the "i cry to love songs in the kitchen" line is a little lackluster for me. i think you could dig deeper and find something a little more unique. i don't necessarily mind the direction it's going, but it's a little "tell-y" for my taste, when I know you could show me the tears in the kitchen. Maybe you need to be more specific? type/genre/actual song title? play around with this one for awhile and see what you think.
lastly, your final line could use some work. i think maybe connecting back to stanza one, maybe? i'm not sure what it needs, but it lacks the active voice i want this poem to end with. think about ways you can carry the tone of line four into the ending and try to bring us home that way. i think you'll find that's more effective!
overall, this is a really fun idea with some really cleverly executed ideas. your imagery is always excellent, especially when your natural narrative voice takes over within stanza two. i think workshopping this one will lead to something really fantastic. good luck, let me know if you have any q's!
xoxo
lady spark
120,193 Literary Works • 649,013 Reviews
Points: 251
Reviews: 6
Donate