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my mind is held captive by angry poachers

by LadyBug

Please eat my insides like I eat potato chips
It won't make a difference because I no longer know how to feel
I'm numb to emotions humans feel, my heart beats robotically
Get me oil because it's rusting....

I feel like Wednesday Addams with the sadness I hold inside myself
No hand holds mine, will I ever feel okay again?
Sometimes I speed so I feel something, and when the police tell me off I feel like someone cares
Do you even care?

3 years ago you asked for my number, but I guess you didn't care enough to save it
I saved your number from my mom's phone because you were her lawn mower
"Will u be mine?"

Sometimes I wonder who I'd be if I wasn't verbally abused as a child, who I would be if someone was here for me.
I dance around the fire of mystical lies, a ballerina of sadness
Please love me, mother?
I want to be free from the poachers in my mind, I choke on chips,
Until the morning.

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289 Reviews

Points: 304
Reviews: 289

Wed Dec 21, 2022 6:37 pm
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MissGangamash wrote a review...

Hello! Here to review! I'm not great with poetry but I will give it a go.

I like the reference to potato chips because I'm seeing that once you eat all the crisps you're left with an empty bag - which is how the narrator feels. Also the inside of a crisp packet is silver which links to the robot imagery.

'my heart beats robotically' is an odd image because when things are usually compared to robotics its to imply that they do not have a heart. Maybe there's a reason you've played with that that I have missed.

'3 years ago you asked for my number, but I guess you didn't care enough to save it
I saved your number from my mom's phone because you were her lawn mower
"Will u be mine?"' - this was so jarring I did a double take XD

The part about being verbally abused as a child is very trauma dumpy. With poetry its good to dance around those sorts of things instead of just being like 'my childhood sucked.' Poetry is a great way to get feelings across and painting pictures with words and not just stating the facts. There are plenty of better and more creative ways of saying something like that.

I like the repetition of questions through each stanza.

Overall this piece is pretty simple and could become something a lot better if you played around with words and language a lot more.

Hope this helps!

LadyBug says...

dont tell me how to trauma dump pls thats disrespectful

MissGangamash says...

I was just reviewing your writing, I meant no offence. This is a creative piece and I was reviewing it as such.

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57 Reviews

Points: 58
Reviews: 57

Wed Dec 21, 2022 7:23 am
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Sunflowerdemon3712 wrote a review...

Sunflower here for a quick review!
This was a rather interesting poem, at least for me. The poem starts oddly gorry with the comparison of eating ones insides to potato chips, which is refrered to once more later in the poem. I like how you mix straight forward language with far more symbolic imagery which I feel like makes it feel more full. I also love the Addam's family mention I loved the show when I was younger! This poem was somber but had that odd sense of depressing hope to it (if that makes any sense) and it really came together well for the most part!
Thank you for reading and I hope you have a fantastic day!

More than anything she wanted the world to be uncomplicated, for right and wrong to be as easily divided as the black and white sections of an Oreo. But the world was not a cookie.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Tree of Wishes