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Young Writers Society

18+ Language

but i cried 'till it was cold

by LadyBug

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

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180 Reviews

Points: 15950
Reviews: 180

Sat Sep 03, 2022 1:30 am
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FireEyes wrote a review...

Hey LadyBug! Incoming review!

Short and simple, but your poem sure packed a punch. I am a music appreciator and I don't know what I would do or who I would be if I couldn't feel the same way about music. I can also see how certain events in life can affect the impact some songs have. I know that feeling all to much. With that said, lets get on with the review!

I'll start with critique.

I feel the pressure of growing up; I think they lied to me
I've been sad for too long now; I was promised it's be a phase
The narrative flow felt off here. The lie doesn't flow well into what the lie actually was. I think something more like: I feel the pressure of growing u;, I was promised it'd be a phase
I think they lie to me; I've been sad for too long now
would work better.

The only other thing I can point out is
a gray knot of pain when in me when I woke up, and all my childhood friends
There are two things, I don't know if you meant "went" instead of "when" for "a gray knot of pain when..."
The second is that this line is the only one not capitalized. It was all consistent line capitalization, but this one actually took focus away from the poem a bit because it didn't follow the pattern. You're supposed to be consistent with poetry, or at least I've heard.

Anyway, done with critique, let me praise your work! I'm a really big fan of poems that have a consistent theme. I do it a lot in my writing too. I like how you describe the things you used to be able to do with music and how you can't anymore. It gives a real pain of what the past used to be. And I like to say nostalgia is one heck of a drug.

Your whole poem gives off that feeling of being in a cottage, living alone for the first time, and in the beginning you were thriving. But your past catches up to you and the things you once enjoyed to cope, don't work anymore. You still try to romanticize your life, but it isn't working. You do all the things people tell you to do, but they aren't working either. Its a somber and melancholy poem wrapped in aesthetic paper to say the least.

On the topic of aesthetic, I also like the font you chose. No other reason than it's pretty lol.

But that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of it useful! I'm glad I got around to reviewing one of your works. I can't wait to read and review more! Anyway byeeeeeeeee<3

LadyBug says...

Thank you so much for your help <333

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23 Reviews

Points: 304
Reviews: 23

Sat Sep 03, 2022 1:11 am
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WeepingWisteria wrote a review...

Hey, LadyBug! Wist here with a shorter review for you today.

I must say, your work did a fantastic job of capturing my attention from the very beginning. The idea of breathing in music was an interesting take on its own. But then, you only added to it by weaving in the constant metaphor of sentimentality and losing childhood. As someone very close to graduating, it certainly hit close to home. You've done an excellent job of taking a new spin on something so many relate to, making someone old and familiar seem fresh.

I especially love your use of repetition in this piece. Repetition is one of my favourite poetic devices, especially when each repeat is just slightly to the left of the previous one to keep the poem from diluting its message. Also, I like your choice to curse in the 15th line. Curse words, when used properly, can emphasise a line or idea, and you pulled that off nicely. It was a good payoff to the tension you had been building from melancholy to betrayal and anger.

All in all, I loved this poem! The feelings behind it are universal but written in such a way they're slightly unfamiliar. Your stylistic choices only added to the mood and message, making the entire piece well-rounded and enjoyable.

Happy writing!

LadyBug says...

thank you so much!! i'm so glad the swear came off well, I meant for it to be a surprise/make the reader feel the shock I had mentioned since the poem was pg completely beforehand, so I'm glad it didn't come off as just rude

WeepingWisteria says...

Some may think that, but I found that it was simply the natural progression.

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444 Reviews

Points: 20878
Reviews: 444

Sun Aug 28, 2022 7:09 pm
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Hijinks wrote a review...

Hi there, LadyBug! I'm dropping by with a review for you on this very poignant poem!

The biggest thing that stands out to me after reading this poem is that you take two very distinct veins of imagery - music and food - and weave them together until the distinction between them is kind of blurry. It makes for some really interesting image-combos, and a lot of the images that end up being created are reminiscent of synesthesia for me. What I really love about this is that you end up engaging all the senses over the course of the poem (*smells* like decaying flowers, visual descriptions of rusted and shiny, a beat that *tastes* of food, physical touch descriptions like a gray knot of pain, and even a bit of implied sound with people talking to the narrator towards the end). I often find that a lot of poetry will only selectively engage a couple of senses, which can make it feel a bit more flat or less 3D; but when you pull in a bit of everything it becomes a lot more immersive! So that's something that this poem does incredibly strongly!

In terms of interpretation, I see a couple connected themes. For one thing, a lot of the feelings the narrator describes line up with depression or feeling depressed; lack of hope, consistently sad in a way stretches far longer than just "a phase", not taking joy in things they used to (such as music), lacking appetite. And then on top of this, I see a lot of clinging to the past + fear of the future. Which for me, as someone's who on the edge of some big life milestones and transitions, I can relate to a painful amount. One of my biggest fears (? I don't know if that's quite the right word, but I can't think of a better one) right now is knowing I'll probably lose touch with all of my childhood friends or at least grow apart pretty imminently. :/ So waking up and just having all your childhood friends gone really strikes a chord for me. Clinging to the past also shows up earlier on in the poem, when the narrator talks about smelling decaying flowers that only hold any significance to them. The narrator seems unable to let go of things that no longer serve a purpose in their life, ie a dead and decaying flower, and is just not able to move on in general.

I enjoyed the repetition of the phrase "I can't _____ music." a lot. The fact that the verb kept changing made the repetition feel like it was building up to something, rather than just a stagnant phrase that keep repeating over and over if that makes sense!

I find the stylistic choices you made to be interesting. You've chosen a font for the poem that kind of imitates how handwriting looks, but then at the end of the poem you left in the "|" that shows the poem has been typed on a computer. Which feels a bit contradictory to me - why would you choose a font to look like handwriting, only to give proof it isn't actual handwriting - and I'm interested if you had a deeper meaning there? Like perhaps it's meant to reflect how to an outsider, the narrator appears to have grown up/is imitating the way "grown up" people look and act, but in reality it's all just a charade. Or it could be just entirely for the aesthetic, which is also fair!

The capitalization is a bit inconsistent; in some places you capitalize the first letter of every line, even if the lines break mid-sentence, but in other spots you use sentence case instead. Personally I feel like if everything was in sentence case that would feel more natural for the poem, since the language and tone you use isn't at all formal or stiff feeling, but capitalizing the first letter of every line does tend to come across as both more formal and more stiff.

Other than that, there are just a couple places where I feel like there are some unnecessary filler words that take away from the flow of the poem. First one I'm pretty sure is just a typo -> "a gray knot of pain when in me when I woke up". The next one is the standalone line "Why?"; I'm not sure what the narrator is specifically asking about, and it doesn't add any meaning as far as I'm concerned. It also feels a bit out of place, since there aren't any other rhetorical questions used in the poem. And finally, in the last line "When I'm really just rusted." Really just right next to each other, when neither are particularly descriptive words, makes that line feel diluted down (at least to me). I would at least get rid of "really", and potentially even "just" as well. For a closing line, it's especially important to be as snappy as possible!

(Also just a small side note - works that include the f-word fall under an 18+ rating for language, so if you could bump the rating to that, that would be greatly appreciated. ^^)

Overall though, I don't have any critiques about the poem at large; everything I pointed out is pretty minor! I thought the imagery was fabulous - varied, cohesive, and original. The theme was definitely relatable and there were a lot of places where I had an internal ouch moment because of how well the line hit home. You made great use of repetition, and also the variation in line length made the poem more interesting to look at and to read! Great job overall! I hope this review proves useful for you, and if there's anything you'd like me to elaborate on just let me know c:


LadyBug says...

hi! thank you so much for the review, it's probably the most detailed one I've ever had. one thing about the capitalization/stylistic choice of the poem's flow - it was meant to be that way, it was supposed to have a lack of emphasis on it to kind of portray how the narrator lives with this mindset and isn't making it a big deal, or thinks it's something to focus on (I do a lot of this in my work, I promise it's a choice and not me being lazy haha) as for the font, it's supposed to represent the deceit I mention throughout the poem, of people lying/leaving etc. at first you think it's a handwritten letter with a lot of care put into it, but when you reach the end, it has a whole different view - maybe it was written out during a meeting, someone absentmindedly writing thoughts down, or something of that sort. that also had a meaning to it, along with the capitalization, I promise!

LadyBug says...

thank you for pointing out the spelling mistake and the work not being labeled correctly; I'll fix those both! thank you so much again <3

Make your dreams come true. Don't wish for them, work for them.
— Lilly Singh