Published May 2, 2016
1) You say you died for our sins. You have forgotten to die for the ones your father, i.e. yourself, has also committed.
2) People often find their own solace in their sorrow, drowning in their own pity. No room to breathe when you negate your own life for the favour of a soulful death.
3) The symptoms for a poor life are as follows: reliance on dead idols, reliance on undeserving idols, reliance on exploitative idols.
4) Salvation reads like a joke, one which kills whenever the pun exits the lips.
5) What is the point of life if fixation of death is greater than the desire for self-improvement? Who wants to live a life like that, you say? A large portion of the population of the society only by name hold their heads down in shame and pride.
6) Sweetness can only follow if the shackles of dogma are burnt at the stake, along with the false witches and the so-called godless sodomites.
7) We are all God's children, but some of us are estranged by our abusive parent.
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140,900 Literary Works • 673,706 Reviews
Hi there KingQueenKnave! It's Gymnast2801 here with a review for Team Weasely!
I will give you my overall thought of, Why Cure Humanity What The Remedies Numb The Brain? Or, Salvation is A Killinh Joke, at the end of this review. By the way, that is a very long title. Anyway, let me begin my review!
"Why Cure Humanity When The Remedies Numb The Brain? Or, Salvation is A Killing Joke."
Okay now, here is something to woke on. As I said above, this title is very, very long--which is fine but you have some capitalization problems. The and A should not be capitalized.
Umm...okay then. I didn't see anything to correct in your true work. I do not agree with what you write but I am not reviewing on that. I am meerly here to review grammar, punctuation and spelling which I found none of that need work so good job on that! The only other thing I wanted to mention is this:
You need to rate this because young children should not be reading about such complicated thoughts on God.
Keep on writing!
-Gymnast2801 for Team Weasely.
Why aren't children allowed to read my views on God?
Ah, you just summed up everything that I find troublesome about Christianity. I'm going to review this under the assumption that this poem is referring to Christianity, so feel free to disregard everything I say if it's about another religion.
I can see why this is categorized as "other". It's not really anything in particular. However, I see a lot of poetic potential in these little snippets. They could almost be poems on their own, split up into lines and verses. For instance, number 7 could look something like this:
See how it can stand by itself as a poem? I think that's definitely something to consider doing with this. You seem to have a knack for poetic language, so I think that could be put to good use with this work.
That's just a thought, of course. This is perfectly fine as it is, but it could be really cool as a poem. A few other suggestions:
I didn't like the use of "i.e. yourself" here. It really didn't seem to fit in with the rest of the work, and it felt a bit too straightforward to me. I think you could just take it out and leave the reader to figure out what you mean.
This felt odd because it jumped from third person to second person. Is the "you" in the second sentence referring to the "they" in the first sentence? I recommend keeping it consistent here. Also, I don't really think "negate" was used appropriately here. Try "neglect".
I don't really think this was well-explained. I understand how salvation reads like a joke, but I don't understand how it can kill. Were you referring to a metaphorical killing? Also, I don't really understand how it's a "pun", because puns and jokes aren't quite the same thing, yet they're used as synonyms here.
The question here felt a little out of place. Maybe rephrase it so it's not in question form. Also, this is the part of the poem where I felt it got a little overbearing. It started to judge the followers of the religion rather than the religion itself. It was kind of like you were picking yourself out to be "special", because of the way you grouped everyone together as "a large portion of the population".
Also, it started to get a little wordy in the second sentence. A bit of rephrasing to make it more concise wouldn't go amiss.
Ahhh, I love the sixth one. I think that's the one where I see the most poetic potential. It's really quite lovely, and also very relevant.
I love the seventh one too. It's like, finally, someone put it into words! I'd say "hallelujah" but I'm not sure how appropriate it'd be in this review. XD
This is very well-written, so most of my edits were on wording. To give a suggestion on the overall theme: I don't think you should bring the people who follow the religion into this. Maybe the corrupt leaders, but if you start to comment on the general Christian population then it starts to sound a bit arrogant. Criticize the religion and the way it affects people negatively, not the people themselves. You did a good job of that for the most part, but just be careful in places, especially the fifth one.
Overall, great job! I'm so glad that someone finally put this into words for me. Keep on writing!