Where's my perfect morning?
Oh yeah, you spat it out in droves
Haven't got to mourning
But I've burnt your azure robes
On my heart I stained my face
On my heart I stepped out too late
Where's my beauty hiding?
Oh wait- you spat it out in droves
Been too busy deciding
How to deal with all this cold
Shivering down my back and feet
Stepping down for being too weak
We need to finalise for now
But another time we'll ascend over everyone
Deaf!
Patience!
For blind patrons!
Deaf...
Patience!
For blind patrons!
For blind patrons down below
For blind patrons down below
Deaf!
Patience!
For blind patrons!
Deaf...
Patience!
For blind patrons!
For blind patterns sank below
For blind patterns sank below
We need to finalise for now
But another time we'll ascend over everyone
My message is clear
My judgment is severe
I want out
I want out, pumpkin
I gotta get out
Soon the paper will shred
Soon the letter will be dead
For the world to see
For the world to see
For those blind patrons
Blind patrons down below!
Blind patrons down below!
Blind patterns sank below!
The world can see it so vividly!
We need to finalise for now
But another time we'll ascend over everyone
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139,789 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
Hey, KQK! Here's a review for your work.
Well, the title first. I liked it. But I thought it was a little bit long. I know, you titled it based on the chorus..but I would like it a little bit shorter. But, it's up to you, your wish.
I have liked the intro. Nothing bothered me there.
"We need to finalise....over everyone" - these lines are good, I liked them, but I would like to reconstruct them. Like, use another words, any metaphors or so..But, again I remind you that you, the writer, gets the card to decide what to write and what not to.
And, "For the world to see" you used the line two times. This is something I didn't quite like, cus you could have changed the second line.
However, I enjoyed the other parts very much. Really loved the lyrics. I would love to hear it! I loved it cus it had a good theme and it was written with words and lines that grab your attention.
This is all I have to say...well, done!
Hey! Cello here!
I saw this was under 'lyrics'. I really love the words and I super curious as to how it would sound to music.
A few suggestions-
Add some commas. I'm a bit of a comma addict, but what's not to like? They're perfect little pauses and they tend to help immensely with flow.
On my heart I stained my face,
On my heart I stepped out too late
Periods could be nice too
On my heart I stepped out too late.
This is more personal preference over anything else but I would add it. If you choose to leave it out, I would take out the ellipsiss (Is that the plural?) and the exclamation points out too- keep it consistent and all.
Then entire song/lyrics are in present tense but this jumps to past. I guess you could argue that it works but I would stick to the same tense. 'For blind patterns sink below'
This was a great song! Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello