Young Writers Society

Hello.
As I have come to this work most recently, compared with your other efforts I find this one to be more poetic.
It almost doesn't fit with the tone I had found you'd already established - and I'm beginning to think that this has all been constructed deliberately. The setting out of verses and the chorus in this one is very much like a regular stanza construction in a poem and it works. There is definite regularity here, with less emphasis on rhyme and more on the questions that the narrator is asking of themselves, the characters within the narrative you've effectively established and of the person reading this.
I think there is a sad tone overhanging your work and that the void left at the end of this work suggests that there is perhaps more darkness to come...

Hey there! Gonna leave a review for you quickly!

So, I was curious what genre of music would you consider this? Because the entire time I was rapping it in my head xD

Onto the review... overall, I like this quite a bit! There were a few times when the repetition was a bit awkward, but most of the time, it worked for the rythym of the lyrics.

There was one line.. "To be sailing along them effortlessly", in which I felt would sound better if you removed "them", though that's entirely my personal preference.

That's about all I have to suggest. I think you did a wonderful job on this! Can't wait to read more of your work!

Hello KingQueenKnave,
It's MergSword here today with a review for you!

First I would like to begin with the fact that I really liked this poem. I pictured my own tune for, and I'm pretty sure it would differ from what you've had in mind.
So a song about depression, eh. I don't think too much of this. I personally think this theme as a cliche, but if you made the cliche work, it's still good.
If this is something lyrical, what's the chorus exactly, I didn't quite find one, but if one had a chorus, I think this one would fit.

Will I play?

Will I stay?

What will be left either way?

It doesn't matter

Nothing matters

Will never matter

Never ever did

And I'm also wondering if the song repeats at all, after the last line, what is left, or if it's just the ending there.
Good job and keep writing!
~MergSword

Hi, KingQueenKnave...Welcome to YWS!! I am new here. Just joined on Sept 29th....So, it's your first lyric... For a beginner , I don't think it's bad..The title is good...The theme is good...The lines are good...

But, I am gonna criticize a bit or a bit more...

First of the all, about the intro. The lines used in the intro are good, separately. But when put together, they don't sound as good as they sound when they are alone. One reason, there is no rhythm. Second, I think the meanings of the lines don't quite mix with each other in a proper balance. I mean, they don't seem to relate to each other..First four lines of the intro give a flow of meaning but not any rhythm..so, although they are good, they don't seem to stand out. The later lines don't seem to relate to the lines before or so I have thought. You are the writer , of course, you know best how to relate the lines...

Next come to the chorus..The chorus is the most important part. What you have told here in the chorus is deep but the lines seem to be plain to me. Specially the first chorus. In the second chorus , I have liked the first three lines...but the lines with "matter" seem very plain to me..

But the second verse seems to be very nice to me....has rhythm and they get along with each other...

Well, that's all I can say. Try more and more. It'll get much better. Hoping to review more of your works.