A thin cloud of dark smoke masked the once beautiful outdoors. It brushed over the tree tops and sank to the pavement ground that was once bright green grass. The girl who stared at the window turned away, sighing.
Her long white gown drifted behind her as she walked to the middle of the room, clasping her fingers together as her heart sank.
"Dear, father," She whispered, glancing to her painted ceiling. "Forgive me..."
An icy tear streamed down her face as she looked to her marble floor. He would never forgive her for what she had done. She betrayed him; her king. She was now trapped in her room to think about her actions. The girl stared at her ceiling, ashamed she had killed her mother for the sake of their kingdom's lives. She was only protecting her kingdom, but now she was known as a murderer. She didn't save it though, she betrayed it. As royalty, she should know better.
She looked back at her window, and walked toward it, fiddling with the latch. She had been too focused on her action of killing her dear queen. She unclasped the latch and swung her window open. She coughed as the smoke rushed into her room. She looked down and sighed. She had no true way to escape.
"Princessa," a knock on the door filled the room. She turned around and went to her door.
"Come in." She grumbled, looking away. The door swung open and the guard looked at the princess.
"Your father would like to see you," he said, standing tall. The girl looked at the guard with disapproval. She sighed and stepped out of her room.
"Very well." The guard took her arm and led her to the main room where her father sit proudly on his throne. The girl stepped forward and bowed to her father for a short moment.
"Yes, your majesty?" she grumbled.
The King looked at the girl with a frown. "Your mother..." he started.
"I do not wish to speak of my actions," the girl interrupted.
With a raised eyebrow, she he jumped, clasping the window sill and let go, dropping to the castle's ledge as she ran, bare feet hitting the ground hard as her jogs became sprints.
Her long brown hair lashed behind her as her gown was drifting in the wind that hit against the girl. She ran quicker and quicker, trying to gain speed.
"Halt," a stern voice startled the girl as she slowed down to a stop.
"Where do you think you're going, your majesty?" the male came up behind her and circled to her front.
"Nowhere, I am just running." She looked at the guard and gave a small grin. Not convincing.
"You are supposed to be in your room," he growled.
The girl looked at him, her body trembling. "I know where I am supposed to be." She dodged the knight and began to run once more.
"PRINCESSA!" A sharp shriek filled her ears. She whipped her head around, seeing her father stare at her with raging eyes. The female turned away and began running again for the horse stables. She hopped onto her beautiful white stallion and clicked her tongue, jumping the fence. She lead the horse to a path within the forest, disappearing from the castle's view. The white horse went from a gallop to a trot and the two took in the beauty of the forest. The girl sighed and rest against the horse. As long as the two were away from the castle, everything was beautiful to her. A rumble of horse's hooves hitting the ground filled the girl's ears and she tapped the horse's behind again. "Go," she whispered, "Quick."
The horse galloped again, tossing it's body around as the two tried to make their escape. The two came across a new path, and they took it. It wasn't a known path to the girl either. She took the reins and motioned for the horse to go down this new path, hoping to get away.
She remembered the stories her father used to tell her about the dragons that lurked through the forest, and she would always giggle. "There is no such thing!"
She smiled slightly and looked down to the horse. She examined the beautiful shining silver tint to the horse's coat. She stroked the stallion's neck and leaned forward against it. She hugged the horse slightly, petting it gently.
"Careful, here." She whispered.
The horse slowed and weaved around the undergrowth. It continued this pattern until the two were entirely away.
She closed her eyes, enjoy the small little joy in her heart. There was finally light in her dark little world. She was free.
A low growl filled the air, and the two stopped. The horse bucked as a wolf emerged from the deep shadows of the forest. Fresh air hit the female's face as she flung away from the horse, hitting the ground in a hard motion.
She glanced up at the horse who was standing on it's hind legs, shrieking as the wolf leaped. "NO!" The girl screamed, trying to force herself from the ground. Her gown was masked with a thick layer of mud, weighing her down slightly more. She got up and picked up a branch, swaying it toward to wolf. It didn't budge. It leaped toward to girl, pouncing on her chest. The girl was pinned down, the wolf's claws digging into her upper arms. She squirmed around, but it was no use. The heavy dog that bared it's teeth at the girl was too strong. "Help!" She screamed. The horse was laying on it's side, twitching, and here the girl lie, a hungry wolf staring at the girl. It snapped, slobber oozing from it's mouth.
The wolf then snapped again, this time at the girl's throat. She choked and tried to scream, but nothing seemed to escape her lips. Her eyes rolled back, and she couldn't feel anything but blood streaming from the bite in her throat and the wolf tearing at the girl's body. The low growls that filled her ears like a victory laugh was the last thing she heard. Darkness. Cold, cold darkness overwhelmed her. Regret flooded over her.
I'm sorry, father.
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139,307 Literary Works • 672,528 Reviews
Hey there! This seems pretty interesting so yeah let's get into this review! I'm trying to make this long so I can give more people gifts, haha, but I have plenty of time before this Gift Extravagansa is over, so get prepared for a review! So, I definitely like this. The whole synopsis of this princess having to kill her own mother is so awful it drew me in, since there had to be a good reason for her to have to do such a horrible thing, right? That's what I thought
. I also like your way of writing, such as the snippets of dialogue and the way you described how she felt and the wolf scene. They're not super described, but it did the trick. I myself don't really want to read sentence after sentence about the surroundings, so I liked that.
Some of the stuff I didn't care for as much was your tenses and that you could have combined a few of your sentences to make the ideas flow much more easily. Such as in the sentence of "He would never forgive her..." and "She betrayed him." These two sentences are in different tenses, which can throw the reader off, and it's just a good idea to keep your story's tense in sync throughout the whole story, unless you include flashbacks, and such. In addition, there were a few cases in which your story seemed really choppy and cut-off; I'd reccomemd that you combined these sentences, in particular, "She looked at the guard and gave a small grin. Not convincing." Instead of that, you could try "She looked at the guard and gave a small, unconvincing grin," or "She looked at the guard and gave a small grin, unconvincingly."
All in all, I like this a lot. This seems pretty unique, at least of the fact that the main character killed their own mother, which is something someone doesn't see very often in novels, so kudos on that end. Even though your writing could take a few tweaks here and there, I think you're in the right track of getting somewhere with your writing, so keep at it! All you gotta do is keep building up your skills, and it sure looks like you've been writing after this story, so that's great. Woo! Alright then, see you later, I guess, haha.
Thank you for such a kind review <3 This work was a while back, and it isn't the best, in my opinion. But it is, indeed, one of my favorite topics to write about, so thank you for your advice. I will make edits soon.
You're very welcome! Alright sweet!
Haredrier here for a review. Overall the writing was quite good, but there were a few things I felt were off about the work itself. First of all, the source of the smoke is never mentioned in the story, which is quite odd considering how much of it there seems to be. Another thing that felt off in the beginning was the decision to use the word "female" instead of girl, lady or woman, since female sounds a little too scientific or formal. Like the smoke, we also do not know anything about what she had done or why she decided to run away.
After this, I'd say the biggest problems lie in the castle and the wolf, since both are very strange by normal standards. In castles, the windows on the first few floors would have bars on them to prevent intruders. Windows on higher floors would be nowhere near a ledge, and jumping from one would prove fatal. Aside from that, there would probably be too many guards to dodge or overpower without a weapon. The stables would most likely be situated near the base of the keep, meaning that taking a horse and riding out would be difficult without attracting attention, especially since a main gate would have to be used. If the guards/ her father had seen her, all they would have to do is close the gates.
And then there's the wolf. Wolves are, by nature, social animals who hunt in packs and are wary of more powerful predators. As such, they would be wary of humans and not normally come close, nor would one be alone unless he was old and sick, in which case he would be kicked out of the pack. Even if he saw in top condition, a singular wolf would not be able to easily take down a horse. Horses would tend to run, or kick. The size difference plus powerful hooves would make a horse a formidable opponent, and would normally take at least several wolves to get it on the ground.
Aside from these things which I found irregular the writing is quite good, I think as long as you pay a little more attention to detail your writing can improve even more. Keep up the good work!