I want to write a story
about heartache and pain,
about how broken we are
when no one wants to pick us up.
I want the world to see through our eyes;
but I know they would never truly understand,
understand the pit at the bottom
of our stomach and the darkness
that festers in our brains,
spreading
like an infection across our
drowning minds, our souls begging
to be saved, our toes curling with unease.
They will never understand.
I want them to see, I want
them to know the everlasting pain
of loneliness, pure loneliness
and our heart when it craves for any attention,
love we lap up when we can before
we spiral into the waves as
the tsunamis pull us under
and we gasp.
They will never understand.
I want to make a character,
a character that represents
the burning hatred I harbor
for the feelings I can not control,
these feelings that infest my
insides and claw at me like
I am the cage, like I am the one
at fault, like they are not the
anchors dragging me beneath the water.
They will never understand.
I want to splatter the pages with red,
write a scene in my own blood
to show the pain on film, to show frame
by frame my scars exposed
even though I know it will only make
me weak
and they will still not understand.
They will never understand
and yet here I sit writing,
my throat too tight because
I want someone to understand
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
i luved ur poem a lot . ur title is what got my attention .
the opening is amazing .
i felt all ur emotions in every line .
the lines "I want to make a character,
a character that represents
the burning hatred I harbor
for the feelings I can not control, "
i luved these lines .
the language you used is amazing .it's simple and by just reading the poem the reader can understand the emotions the poet or the person who is writing it is going through .
keep up the work
The first stanza was a fantastic opening. I connected immediately with your poem on a personal level. The first three lines in particular really pulled me in.
This phrase "our toes curling with unease" really stuck out to me. It's different. Usually, writers just talk about the darkness in the mind, but this was a little more. How the whole body is affected. I liked it.
Why do I feel like I want to cry at the end? Because you're a freaking good writer and this poem is good.
I felt the loneliness. This poem gives voice to the feelings I and so many others have.
I want to comment on the voice in the poem - but I hate being technical and whatnot. I felt like I knew you (I'm assuming you're the speaker here. If I'm assuming wrong, I'm sorry!). I felt like I've known this person for years. It's simple and breaks down everything so on point.
You gave words to something to something I've never been able to. I've never read something that makes thoughts clear and real with words. That probably doesn't make sense.
I just . . . liked it. So much.
Hey there. I loved this particular piece for a few reason, and yet I feel there are ways to make it better.
What I liked:
1. The idea. So many people crave the feeling of being understood. Understood by family, friends, the world. You managed to put those feelings into words that touched my heart and pulled on my heart strings.
2. The emotion. Each stanza drips with emotion. You chose the right words to express your lonliness and desires to be understood.
What I didn't like:
1. I don't really have a catagory to put it under so hopefully I can explain it. I think that with each stanza there are parts that aren't really needed. You want every word you write to have meaning behind it. With some of the stanza's the over explanation of how you feel can sometimes be interperted as whinning, which you don't want.
2. The flow. This has a lot to do with what I had just said. You want a smooth flow and too many or too few words can disrupt that. In your case you have too many words in a few of your lines and stanzas.
Overall:
Great job. I loved this piece, probably because I am going through the same sort of thing. I would recomend with fixing this piece, to just look over and see what may be repetative and not hold all that much meaning. If you ever need someone to talk to, just PM me and I will get back as soon as possible. As far is it being okay, I think that it will get better, you just need time. Surround yourself with people that you can trust and show your deepest fears too. There is always someone looking out for you!
Ayden, you're gonna be okay.
I stumbled upon this, and I had to comment.
You're gonna be okay, make that character if you want. Write with red paint. Not blood.
And remember, we're here, with open arms, and warm hearts and eyes.
You're gonna be okay dude.