I find the sharp edges
in every word you speak
I can't walk, I can't walk,
I feel the knives in my feet
My tongue tastes
like its had blood shed
I hear lots of voices
and theyre all full of regret
Where is my mind?
where is my mind?
I cant find it in these depths
I cant think, no control
youll never understand
never understand what they say
Youll never understand the pain
youll never understand
what I go through every day
they mock me, taunt me,
they teach me ways to hate
Im violent and impure
oh okay, oh okay
My tongue tastes like
its had blood shed
the voices in my head
teach me no regret.
Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?
Cant find it in these depths
I cant think, no control,
Youll never understand
Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?
No I wont find it again,
the voices have my mind,
and I wont find it again.
(please ignore all grammatical errors, my apostrophe key and other keys of my keyboard are broken, thank you).
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey there, Littleun! cleverclogs here representing Team Phi on this lovely review day!
These are great song lyrics, as far as I can tell. And it can be hard to tell on YWS because song lyrics are really meant to be sung, not read. But as I read these, I thought that they were great even without a melody. I can only imagine how awesome they'd be set to music. That being said, I have a few little nitpicks:
You're right: I'll never understand. Not unless I develop schizophrenia, anyway. However, I don't really like when works say things like this, because it kind of alienates people who aren't schizophrenic/depressed/transgender/whatever it is I can't understand. To me, it feels like the poem is both helping me to at least try to understand, while telling me that I never can. It's a bit weird. I don't want to come off as ignorant or anything, but maybe rephrase it to something like, "you can never know" to prevent this. Sorry for this jumbled mess of a paragraph; I found it very hard to put what I wanted to say into words.
Also, I'd like to see this split up more specifically. For instance, label the verses, the chorus, the bridge, the pre-chorus. It'll kind of clean it up a little bit and add more structure to your song.
The imagery you've used is very powerful, as the previous reviewer pointed out. It conveys a lot of emotion. I can tell that this is very personal to you. I hope that this little tiny review proved useful; there just wasn't much more you to improve upon! Keep up the great work!
Hey Littleun!
My name is Illa. I will commence with my comment! (It's a real shame about your keyboard. My old one was destroyed by my pet squirrel; no joke!)
As someone diagnosed with Schizo-affective disorder and clinical depression, I can relate deeply to this poem. I have to agree with FromWithin:
"Incredibly touching and full of emotion!"
It really is. I can see the blood, hear the voices... your imagery is powerful. The repetition of the phrase "where is my mind" is a very familiar feeling to me. It helps to create the feeling of confusion, desperation and fear that is so evident in your work.
Thank you for posting it. You'll find there are more people than you realise who can relate to your experiences.
Incredibly touching and full of emotion!