Breathe Electric: Lightning Flight chapter one

Hey there.

Jyro hung in its usual place above Mercury, a small, discreet planet that had yet to be discovered. It was a normal dreary day, yet the atmosphere was strange. #0040FF ">[Nice opening line!]

The Shadow began to recede, light filtering in at last, stranger to the Jyronians now due to the long era of time that they had been trapped under The Shadow's suffocating grip. #0040FF ">[This is a pretty hefty sentence. Consider breaking it up a little.You've got a very solid bunch of description in the entire paragraph, but some of the sentences are pretty long.]

Council of Linkseses #0040FF ">[Is this a typo, or the actual name of the Council? I just figured I'd point it out in case it was a typo.]

the founder for whom Maple County was named #FF0000 ">for.

#0040FF ">which was famous for being claimed to be built over an Indian graveyard. #0040FF ">[Consider rephrasing this. Something like 'which was famous for claiming to be built over an Indian graveyard.']

but something majorly important has sorta popped up#0040FF ">," Jon replied.

"Didn't know you had company." #0040FF ">He made to disappear down the hallway branching off from the landing,

#0040FF ">Eyeing me #0040FF ">warily again

but that doesn't mean that like the rest of you, he's not going to get a chance to turn all that around. #0040FF ">[This sentence kinda makes it sound like Mr. Dotson's implying that none of the other kids have a chance to turn their lives around.]

Thanks for the reviews and yes, I did! I'm sorry for any mistakes I may have made on my character's profile. His race just sorta...was off the top of my head. And right back at you about not being able to write with you!! I'm going to go ahead and edit this, then...

Um, well this will probably prove pointless as the above review has most likely covered everything I had intended to say, but oh well.
I have to agree with MSDavies about the ending. I know it's part of a larger story, but unless it's an action packed cliffhanger, some closure for the chapter would be good.
Secondly, you haven't really described your character very well. In fact, have you desribed him/her at all (I'm not even 100% sure what gender they are!). You made reference to their name at the beginning, which was definitely needed as you didn't use it again until line 11 (yes, I counted. Slap me) and even then, it took a moment for me to work out that Payne was the central character. Also Grams doesn't get a description either. I'm sure you'll fix this during the novel though, so don't worry too much.
Thirdly, I have to agree again with MSDavies. Harry Potter glasses? I hate Harry Potter so generally I find this offensive, but regardless of that I mention it in case someone reads this who doesn't know what Harry Potter glasses look like.
Still, this was a good piece. Needs some work, but it will be worth it.
Crow 29

P.S: I believe you just joined the NIghtmare Smiths storybook. Looking forward to writing with you

Alright, I can't believe I'm the first to review this. You are a talented writer, but I like to do more in depth reviews. Sorry if I seem like I'm tearing your work apart or anything. Just trying to help as best as I can!(:

Let's get started, shall we?

"You're a writer, aren't you, Jon?" #FF0000 ">Great way to start with dialogue, bravo.

I looked up, glancing from my grandmother to Jonathan Maple, the founder of whom Maple County was named for. In his early twenties, Jon was thin, with black untidy hair and thin wirey glasses like Harry Potter's. #FF0000 ">I dont think you should include this bit on Harry Potter, you also may want to add more description like this maybe, "Jon was thin with black, untidy hair and thin, wirey glasses." He was best known not for his bestselling, off-the-chart books, but for playing the role of Patch in the movie Where Dead Ferns Grow and Bloody Screams Ring. #FF0000 ">Som grammarical mistakes here you may have overlooked. "playing the role of "Patch" in the move titled, "Where Dead Ferns Grow and Bloody Screams Ring." Food for thought.

"Well, yeah, I am. I'm actually working on a piece of work right now, but something majorly important has sorta popped up." Jon replied. #FF0000 ">Again, good dialogue. Helps me figure out the personality of your characters.

"Hey, Jonathan?" said a new voice from the top of the stairs. We all turned to face a boy about my age, maybe a few months younger,#FF0000 ">(Period here instead of a comma. Capitalize "clad".) clad in all black that clashed with his tan-tinted white skin. He wore holey jeans, converse sneakers and his long-sleeved black shirt was decorated with a flock of vampire bats, all baring their fangs menacingly. His eyes darted from me to Grams, then to Jonathan.

"Sorry," he mumbled. "Didn't know you had company." he made to disappear down the hallway branching off from the landing, but Jonathan beckoned him down the stairs. Eying me wearily again, the boy did as he was told.

"Mrs. Jones, Payne, I'd like you to meet my new son,"

"Foster son," the boy corrected.

"-Foster son, Star." Jon smiled widely and ruffled Star's hair, revealing a bright white streak, almost albino looking, hidden underneath Star's black hair. Star ducked his head out of Jon's hold and quickly hid it, tucking it beneath his bangs. He nodded to me once. "Howdy," he said, and I could tell he had the hint of an unidentifiable accent, even though he tried to hide it.

"Hey," I nodded back. "I'm Payne." I held out my hand. Star hesitantly shook it. We stood there for a few minutes, neither of us saying anything until my Grams finally broke the silence.

"Well, Payne, we best be getting home. It was nice seeing you again, Jon, and nice meeting you, Star." she turned to shake Star's hand like I did, but the boy was already darting up the stairs again. A few minutes later, soft jazz notes floated from upstairs. Grams stared.

"Sorry about that," Jon said. "Star just moved in with me a couple of weeks ago, and he's not really a people person."

Grams and I nodded, both of us understanding. Jon opened the door, tipping an imaginary hat to us as we left.

I never interacted with Star, who never came outside, was rarely seen, rarely talked, and seemed to do nothing but play jazz on a saxophone he kept with him at all times. Eventually, I forgot he was even there, and after a year couldn't even remember him.#FF0000 ">More description here may be needed.

Three Years Later

I sat in math class, tossing a paper wad at Dennis and laughing when he looked around as though to see who the culprit was. "C'mon Payne," he groaned. "It's not funny to throw things at a blind kid."

"You're blind, so act like it! And next time, don't catch the paper ball!" I exclaimed. Even though Dennis was blind, he had amazing reflexes and could tell when things were coming at him, allowing him to catch almost anything you threw his way. #FF0000 ">Good job at introducing a new character.

Mr. Dotson cleared his throat. "Class, we have a new student today." A black clad boy with black hair and blue-streaked bangs joined his side.

"Class, this is Starkan DaVinchi, a...challenged student.. Just like the rest of you, he's at our school for juvenile reasons, but that doesn't mean that like the rest of you, he's not going to get a chance to turn all that around." Mr. Dotson continued. #FF0000 ">You should mention where the main character is going to school before this.

Star. The name tickled at the back of my mind, sounding only vaguely familiar. I remember something about a star being associated with Jonathan Maple, one of Gram's friends who went missing about six weeks ago, apparently captured by enemy lines in the war and presumed dead. Dismissing the thought nonchalantly#FF0000 ">Don't really think the word "nonchalantly" is needed here., I turned my attention back to throwing paper wads at Dennis behind Mr. Dotson's back as Star took a seat in the very back of the classroom, ignoring everybody and examining the vintage camera that hung around his neck. #FF0000 ">Seems like too sudden of an ending. May need a better way to close.