With blade against skin,
emotions running like the tears
pouring from his eyes,
nothing else can fulfill
the high he gets when
blade touches
skin.
And blood flows like water,
his skin the faucet from which
the crimson liquid leaks.
And regret mixed with pain,
and the high he gets
when blade
touches
skin.
And bleeding out
with a last gasping breath,
he’ll apologize
for bleeding on your shirt
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139,565 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
I know this isn't really a review, but I just kinda had to comment.... this.... this explains me so much.... I cut, I get depressed, and I've tried to kill myself... and this, this is just like my life....amazing. Simply amazing.
Hi there, Alex!
I'll be quick with this, but I wanted to start out by asking how much time you put into this. While there's clear lyrical structure and rhythmic form, there isn't much meat here that isn't now cliche. I mean, 90% of times the word "blade" appears in poetry, it's involving self-mutilation. Blood is a different story, since it can lean towards pain and death, but also desire and passion. But when paired together, blades and blood almost always end up in suicide poems. So I want to ask what makes your piece different than the rest!
The first stanza doesn't click with me until line four. When I've experienced this type of moment, my emotions didn't run like tears; they were very cold, hard, and inaccessible. So having such loosey-goosey emotions seems to defeat the purpose, I think. Because you can catch tears and hang onto them. So what does that say about his emotions?
Line 2.1 hits a religious allusion, referencing how Jesus' blood supposedly flowed like water from his side once struck with the Roman spear; however, you alienate this in line 2.2 when you bring in his skin as the faucet. In line 2.3, I suggest changing "crimson liquid," as it's not a poet's description. That belongs in a very amateur short story--not poetry.
The refrain to his high gives a nice effect, but remember the cliche of blades. Remember it!
The ending, I'll say, is the most unique part of this entire piece. It's the only part of the poem that gives me any connection with this boy, and it's the only bit that gives him some personality. Everything else is disconnected narrative, but when you bring in a quirk, when you bring in his actual reaction to something--you give us insight into his heart. Otherwise, we can't feel his pain, and your words are wasted on cold reading.
I hope this helps, even in general. Keep writing!