Published February 25, 2012
In [REDACTED]
Shiloh paused just outside the light blue doors of Leaner Middle, adjusting his toboggan hat and fixing his wire framed glasses. With a deep breath, he reached for the door. The metal squirmed underneath his touch as though alive, trying to absorb into his skin. Ignoring it, Shiloh ducked his head and walked inside.
Sneakers squeaked, lockers clanging. Somehow, nobody noticed as a weary looking Shiloh slipped through the throng, towering above the rest. At six-foot-one, it was hard to believe that he could go unnoticed.
A boy in high tops, jeans and a Nike shirt was the first to notice him. "Hey, how's the weather up there?" His friends around him laughed, and one of them snorted, "Good one, Payne."
Shiloh ducked his head and walked a little faster.
Payne slid into his seat and tried to ignore Jeremy, who was droning on and on about the game this Friday. He felt bad about making that comment about the new kid earlier. He knew he had only said it because Jeremy and the populars had been standing there.
Speaking of the devil, the new kid shuffled in, head ducked and eyes down. Payne took him in fully for the first time since that morning. A tee shirt of some gothic band Payne hadn't heard of. Dark purple skinny jeans the cuffs covering the top of the new kid's converse. Payne's gaze slid over the bruises and cuts on the new kid's arm. Most of the bruises looked fresh.
The new kid tried to shuffle in unnoticed, but the teacher, Mr. West, grabbed his arm. The new kid flinched.
"You must be our new student. What's your name?"
"Sh-Shiloh." The boy stammered. "M-my name's Shiloh."
Mr. West looked him over, his own gaze lingering on the bruises and cuts as well. "Interesting wounds you got there."
Shiloh flushed, adjusting his glasses anxiously before crossing his arms. He shifted, looking more uncomfortable than before. Seeing that he wasn't going to say anymore, Mr. West sighed.
"Take your seat."
Shiloh sighed in relief and shuffled toward the back. Payne turned in his seat to watch him. Shiloh's backpack dropped to the ground with a rather heavy thud as Shiloh slid into a seat in the very back, keeping his eyes downward. He laid the black leather sketcbook in his hands on the desk in front of him, then focused intently on the vintage camera around his neck as though to avoid any conversation.
Payne got up, then took the seat right beside Shiloh. "Hey, Shiloh, right? I'm sorry about that joke I made earlier."
Shiloh looked him over, then focused back on his camera, shrinking back in his seat and looking as though he wished Payne would just leave him alone. Payne sighed.
"Um...I guess you're into photography?" He picked up Shiloh's sketchbook as he spoke.
Shiloh tried to grab it back, but Payne was already flipping through it. Pictures of flowers, graveyards, sunsets, and more miscellaneous things covered each page from edge to edge. Payne paused at a picture depicting a grave and a headstone that said:
In time wisdom comes; in studying gains knowledge; but only with the bonding can love come itself.
Shiloh grabbed the sketchbook and slammed it shut just as the bell rang. Hurriedly grabbing his bag, Shiloh darted from his seat to the door. Payne, brow still furrowed in wonder, picked up his bag and followed cautiously.
"I didn't mean to make you angry."
Shiloh walked a little faster without replying.
"Do you even talk?"
Shiloh paused to give him a dark look, then shouldered his backpack, fixed his hat, turned and started walking again. Payne hustled to keep up.
"Answer me, would you?"
"No thanks, douche bag." Shiloh suddenly snapped. "And just so you know, no, I don't talk. Not that often, anyway, if I can help it."
"Well...why not?"
Shiloh sighed with a roll of his eyes and stopped at his locker. He quickly spun in the combination- once again, the metal clung desperatly to his skin, but he ignored it- and opened his locker door, ignoring the words taped on the front of it; words like "emo", "fag", and "retard". Already, it seemed that he had gained some haters.
"There you go, not talking again."
"It's because I'm deaf, okay?" Shiloh snapped again. It was then that Payne noticed how Shiloh's words were a little slow, and slightly undeveloped. "And I just don't like to talk."
Payne blinked. "Sorry."
Shiloh gave a huffy sigh and began shoving books in his locker. "What do you want, anyway?"
"Um...I dunno. To apologize, I guess."
"Yeah, I know I'm a giant freak. No need to remind me." Shiloh replied darkly. He rubbed a bruise on his arm absently, and once again, Payne's gaze slid over Shiloh's arms.
"Where did those bruises come from?"
Shiloh shifted, closing his locker with a snap. Shouldering his backpack again, he turned and walked away without replying just as the bell rang.
End of chapter
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139,334 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
Good stuff. I think I've bonded with your Shiloh already....it takes a special character and a special writer to do that so fast.
I love it. One chapter, and it sums up Shiloh crystal clear. I can see the world with his eyes, and feel it too. I related to Shiloh at once. Became him for a second. Literally, I go back to memories of one of the schools I went to, and it felt exactly like that. The air, the atmosphere, even the objects, and people talking. I could see Shiloh and your other characters walking through a corridor I once walked in, and in the classroom I was once in.
I don't know what this is.........but I want more.
Hey! So sorry it took so long for me to get back to you about your edited version, but I finally have enough time to give you a good review.
So, I really like what you are doing with this, but I really don't know what to think about your characters at this point. They just don't seem like they're characters who could exist in real life yet.
However, a big red flag sort of popped out in front of me when you had Shiloh tell Payne that he has autism. Autism is a very prominent disorder, and is something that will be incredibly difficult to deal with when writing, therefore it takes quite a lot of work to make it great.
Now, in no way is this impossible, it just means that you need to research and make sure that you know absolutely everything about autism so that you create a character that does it justice. People know about autism, so they will know if there are aspects of your character that a person with this disorder would not have.
As for that, the biggest thing that I have trouble believing is that Shiloh would act in this manner, not to mention that he would straight out tell Payne that he has autism. I'm not an expert on this or anything, but it just doesn't feel right.
Also, when he told Payne about his autism, I was a bit taken aback. Something like that should be developed within the character before just straight out saying that he has it. Hint at it and foreshadow a bit before having Payne find out.
One other thing that I should mention though is the little scene with Shiloh and their teacher, Mr. West. I really have a hard time believing that the teacher would point out bruises like the ones Shiloh has right in front of the entire class. Abuse is another thing that is something that you have to be careful when dealing with. It's something many people are affected by, and it's also an incredibly sensitive subject. Teachers will not just flat out confront a student with obvious signs of abuse the first time they meet them, especially not in front of other students.
Other than that though, it's pretty good. I really think that you can make this great, it's just going to take a bit of work. Research is a writer's best friend, and it'll help a ton to make this story amazing. Use your characters' respective actions and conversations to develop their personalities. I know you can do it, and I hope that this all helps and makes sense.
Again, make sure you ask if you have any questions/comments about anything I mentioned, and I hope you'll let me know when you edit it or add more! Keep writing, and see you around!
~ Trish
Edited!
Hi there!
Hmmm, this is really good so far, albeit a bit short for a first chapter. I can definitely see this turning into an amazing story.
But, I did notice a few things that you might want to take a look at when editing. First, some small nit-picks!
Not sure if toboggan makes sense here since toboggans are sleds...
Very interesting description. I like it!
I just put these two together because I thought you might want to take a quick look at them. I understand what they're trying to say, but they just seem to read a bit awkwardly.
Boy?
Those are all the grammar/typo issues that I could find.
Other than that, I can really only offer two more suggestions. One would be to work a bit on your formatting. It's a bit confusing reading it right now the way you have it, almost like it's just two clumps of words. (Though that could be the way that it went when you posted it here, and it's pretty easy to fix.)
And lastly, I would just like to encourage you to really try to make your characters pop. You're doing a great job so far of shying away from info dumps, one thing nobody likes, but right now your characters lack realism. Make sure as you continue that you're building them constantly, developing specific quirks and backgrounds.
You have a great start here, and I can't wait to read more. I love your voice, and the whole idea behind this particular piece. Keep writing, and I'll do my best to keep an eye out for your next installment!
~ Trish
Ps. Make sure you feel free to contact me if you have any questions/comments about anything I mentioned above!