Young Writers Society

Hi ForeverYoung! Sorry for taking so long to get back to this, but I still wanted to fulfill your request ^^ Also, as a disclaimer, I haven't read other reviews, but sometimes it helps to get repeated feedback

So I want to start off by saying that you have an interesting concept being set up here. You have some type of character, Mr. Quirk, who is a bit of a mystery to us. He seems to be into tech and mystery, since it's mentioned he took high security precautions and also has secret entrances leading into this house. Then there is a wrinkle in his plan as a bunch of robots get sent after him.

Though, the pacing of this chapter is very fast. We don't have a whole lot of set up to get us into this world. Typically, the role of the first chapter is to get the reader accustomed to the story you're about to tell them, so laying out things like the setting, who are the important characters, and where (possibly) the plot is going to lead. While you have a good start with these ideas, more of them could use more development.

Let's start with the setting. We are told that this is set in Mr. Quirk's house and that he has security measures and secret entrances, but not very much house. I don't have a very good picture of his house in my mental mind, so I almost just imaging him in a completely white square house. It's your job to fill in those details and make the reader feel like they are in the house with Mr. Quirk. Is the house big or small? How many rooms? Where in the house is he waiting? Is he in the entrance or is he doing something in the office when he hears a noise? Is he in the middle of a big city, the suburbs, or out on his own in the woods? Slow down and spend a little bit more time developing the setting so that when the action starts to happen with the robots, we have a good idea of where everything is laid out and you don't have to stop to tell us where everything is.

Next is the important characters. So, we know that Mr. Quirk will be important, especially since the story is named after him, but we know very little about him. Now, I understand if you want to leave a little bit of mystery around the character so we can find it out later, but we need to have a little bit of a baseline. Try to think about two or three really important characteristics about Mr. Quirk you want to convey before the end of the chapter. Is he clever and smart? Then think of some way to show how his security is top notch, maybe by foiling the human intruder instead of just asking for him to leave. Maybe add a bit more time for us to get to know him before he gets taken by the robots.

Finally is giving us hints where the plot is going. At this point, I'm a little lost. There's not very many hints and set up as to what's going to happen next. While, yes, it is good to not give readers all the information of the story right at the beginning, it is a really good idea to try to leave hints so the reader can try to figure it out as they go along. Are these robots going to continue to be important? What do they want from him? Just keep this in mind when you want to revise this and give more of an idea what the plot is going to be ^^

Hopefully this was helpful to you! Let me know if you have any questions!

Happy writing
~ Wolfe

Hey Forever!

It is really bad luck on my part that you have so many poems and only one short story posted here on YWS. So, since we are review buddies I thought I would get started on one of your novels.

This was a good first chapter, only I am a little confused about the plot. I am sure I will catch on more in the next few chapters, but I would really appreciate it if you could give me a general overview of what this story is about. Because I see robots mentioned here, and I am really bad at understanding those stories, so you might have to be a little patient with me.

I liked how you opened with dialogue and especially a question. It was a good introductory sentence and it immediately makes the reader want to find out what all this is about. I liked the fast pace of the story, but I thought it was a little on the rushed side. You seem to skim through the descriptions and setting as there are hardly any. The information was there to help us catch on with the story but I feel that in order to make it more alive you need to add some more expression and detail to it.

Otherwise, this feels like a cool story and I am sure I am going to enjoy it!

Heya Forever! I'm here for the requested review for ya c:

I thought this chapter certainly made an intriguing opening to your story! Already we have a bit of a plot twist that I wasn't expecting with the men being actual robots. That detail definitely helps set a sci-fi/dystopia vibe for the story, and it's always great to set the tone for what's coming next.

Speaking of tone, I thought you made good use of vocabulary for setting a general theme for the writing. For example, you use lots of negative and kind of technical/scientific words, such as "emotionless", "temperature-less", "encrypted", etc. That also helps to set up the reader's expectations for the rest of the story!

I agree with some of your other readers that this chapter is a bit sparse on descriptions/imagery. Right now, it feels like the things being described just spotlight the character, with not much description of the actual setting. As a result, I have a hard time imagining the character in much else than just a blank white space. There are lots of opportunities for adding descriptions of the setting; for example, near the start you say "His agitated speech was cut short by the door being snapped." -> this could be extended to describe what type of door it is (glass? wood? metal? heavy? flimsy?) and where it is in the room.

Another spot that feels especially to be lacking description is when you introduce us to the "200 people". That feels really sudden, and implies that the building is a LOT larger than I originally envisioned it if it can fit 200 people. Unless he's looking out the window? And perhaps these people are outside? It's hard to tell exactly where these people are, and what the space that they're in looks like -- which makes it hard for me to picture the scene in my head. As a result, it's a bit less effective than it could be. You might find this article on writing descriptions is handy!

My only other critique is that the pacing in this chapter feels a bit rushed, but I think adding more descriptions would improve that significantly.

Besides that, just a couple VERY small nitpicks, which I've outlined below!

Despite installing all the possible and the extremest securities, Mr. Quirk couldn't stop the sudden fake-government officials, as they quoted them to enter his house.

People are trying to take the highest amount of security, and so is Mr.Quirk.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...this was a pretty solid first chapter here, perhaps a touch on the vague side when it comes to actually describing the surroundings and the context of what's going on here but since its just the first chapter...that's not that bad...at any rate, it manages to get your attention quite nicely in the first few paragraphs and then ends on lovely cliffhanger there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Tell me who are you? Who has sent you here?” Mr. Quirk growled at the intruder.

“Me— I— I was just— Well I am from the Government.” The intruder heaved a deep sigh.

“You YOU! Get lost or or I will—” He need not complete it. His agitated speech was cut short by the door being snapped. The person had left.

Despite installing all the possible and the extremest securities, Mr. Quirk couldn't stop the sudden fake-government officials, as they quoted them to enter his house. That was the 8th day in a row he had to growl at an invader. The word on the street had been confirmed a few days ago–soon, there would be an attack in Lnito. People are trying to take the highest amount of security, and so is Mr.Quirk.

These invaders must have found one of the secret doors, I will have to seal― He gasped.

Some around 200 people were standing in front of him. All wore black except the middle one who was completely dressed in white.

“Mr. Quirk,” started the white-clothed 'man', if he could be called that, “the Government has been trying to get on you for 15 days but failed. However, we will not.”

The black-clothed men marched towards him. He noticed something was encrypted in the middle of the clothes–

GOVERNMENT ROBOTS IN OPERATION

He sprinted towards his room with all the haste that a 100 years old man could make but with no success.

He felt a temperature less thing grabbing his right arm and pulling towards it. The last thing he remembered was the emotionless faces and the encrypted words–

1ST MISSION SUCCESSFUL

Hi ForeverYoung299,

Mailice here with a short review!

Mystery stories are always interesting because there are so many ways to hook the reader. I like the fact that you come with an interesting first (albeit short) chapter and immediately draw me in with the questions that arise.

One thing I expect in the coming parts is a more detailed introduction to Mr. Quirk. You manage to throw him into a situation where it's hard to introduce and describe him, but think it will eventually settle down where you take time to present him. Because at the moment I can't build up any sympathy for him, and I don't know if it wouldn't be better to side with the robots.

You've definitely done a good job of building suspense and throwing out the questions in the first chapter that the reader should have if they want to read on.
I like how a revelation comes to a head towards the end and the reader learns that they are government robots. That raises new questions. What time is the story set in? Is it set in a fictional world (the name of a place is mentioned somewhere)? What role does the government play? Is it corrupt, etc... Besides the natural questions of who Mr. Quirk is, you have built a good cliffhanger.

As the chapter is a bit short, I can't yet give an accurate critique and opinion of the writing style - that will have to wait until the next parts come out, but one point, I do have; the insertion of the -, which you've done several times here, is good in the short term, but can be irritating for the reader after a while because of this kind of stopping, as they are reading and are interrupted because something else is happening.

It is important to try to stretch the tension and also to be aware that the reader is reading faster than you are writing, i.e. an arc can be over a paragraph long and yet it only happens within a few seconds.

“You YOU!

Hey, Alice is here to give a review!!!

Forever this is so good, I can definitely see the growth from your first work to this. It's awesome, great job! This story is not quite clear but first chapters are always not so clear in mystery novels, you created a really good beginning for your story to progress. There are no grammatical errors or spelling mistakes, which is so hard to prevent. Just one tiny little problem, this chapter is a bit too short, maybe extend it a bit.

I am excited to see the next chapter and read it!Good job!
Bye!!!