Young Writers Society

Hey Forever!

RandomTalks here back with another review!

Wow...a lot of things happened in this chapter. Also, it answers my question that he was probably not allowed to go outside since he was under house arrest. Otherwise, I don't think he would go to as extensive measures as drugging a hundred people with sleeping pills, which I am still not sure how he did. How did he have so many sleeping pills with him?

Anyways this chapter had a lot of things happening at once. And you fast pace of writing made it even more exciting to read. I am not really sure why the man helped him escape but I am glad that he did. I could imagine the scene playing out and I wonder how the heart of 110 year old man can take such excitement.

“Yes, lunch, giving. Sit down.”

This is mostly a nitpick, but I don't think the 'giving' really fits in this sentence. Maybe write it some other way?

This was a good chapter. I look forward to seeing how Mr. Quirk gets out of this one. He has to come up with some solution!

Hi ForeverYoung299,

Mailice here with a short review!

I like the way you write the introduction. I like how it talks from a bad point to a positive aspect. I think I mentioned once in one of the previous chapters that Mr. Quirk eventually starts doing the right thing the wrong way. That seems to be coming true now.

It was an exciting chapter because a lot happened and I'm also glad that it doesn't feel like Mr. Quirk and the others are going in circles again here. That was an impression I had that the story wasn't going to move forward. Now I am very curious to see what Mr. Quirk will do with his new escape.

What I still missed here in the chapter was a bit of a description of how Mr. Quirk had managed to mix the sleeping pills into the food. Since you said in chapter 7 or 6 that there were around 100 people, it would have to have been an entire packet of sleeping pills. Otherwise, I think you manage to develop a dynamic story with new revelations. It gives you this feeling like there's still a lot to discover.

Other points that stood out to me:

"Mr. Quirk, you remember I hope that only 10 hours left.

The sentence reads a bit bumpy. First there should be a comma after "remember", then a "you have" between "I hope that" and "only 10 hours left."

"and I think it's 2 p.m.. Will we get our lunch?"

That's a very thoughtful police officer. Always mindful to eat.

How came he had forgotten about the timing?

I think you mean "time."

The sleeping pills were working.

A simple yet efficient way!

After all, it was his dwelling place for 110 years.

Uh, valuable information about Mr. Quirk. That makes him older than I estimated him to be.

Have fun writing!
Mailice.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well, this was a really exciting chapter, I was waiting for a bit of action and a climax to Mr. Quirk wanting to escape and I was definitely not disappointed. There was a couple of wonderful twists here, and I love how the chapter ends with Mr. Quirk's fate not being clear.

Anyway let's get right to it,

His conscience spoke against him. He was going to commit a crime, as defined in law's language and if caught by happenstance, it was enough to earn a life imprisonment. Howbeit, it was the only path to a bit of sunshine.

Oooh...well that looks to be a very tough decision that Mr. Quirk is having to make there..its definitely quite a big decision there...cause one on hand he's trying to do something to help everyone, but then running away from police custody is definitely going to break a few laws and make the police believe he is in fact guilty.

“Mr. Quirk, you remember I hope that only 10 hours left. I ask again, will you tell us anything? If you do, the Government promises not to bring about any injury to you and if you don't―”

“I will be arrested, right?” Mr. Quirk snapped bearing a jaded expression, his heart crying.

Oooh, I do love how you update us about the deadline there...that really gives you a sense of how much time he's had to think about this decision and plan when the police officer comes to give him this news.

“Oh yes! You are right,” said the very Police Officer maliciously, “and I think it's 2 p.m. Will we get our lunch?”

This is a biiig nitpick by according to this time, they'll be arresting him at 12 midnight...which is kind of a weird hour to be doing things like...this...or perhaps maybe you meant 12 midnight as in the end of the day, which does make for a pretty cool little detail there actually...if you meant it that way.

Mr. Quirk's heart skipped a beat. How came he had forgotten about the timing? Didn't it raise suspicion? “Yes, lunch, giving. Sit down.”

Two hours later, nearly everyone was becoming dizzy as he had planned. The sleeping pills were working. What he had to do was to separate them. That was a laborious task but when there is a will, there ought to be a way. He had secretly roamed about the house fixing some exploding crackers to separate them. His scientific skills were enough to make them.

Oh wow...well, first of all, exploding crackers sound like a pretty cool invention there...I wonder how they're going to work to separate the police officers. From what I can imagine, I'm thinking its probably going to do end up blowing up some area of the house and trapping them with debris or something of the sort. And of course the sleeping pills in the food is an old tried and tested strategy that we all know works very well.

He bid the house a last goodbye. Might be that it was his last day in the house. After all, it was his dwelling place for 110 years. He moved closer to the wall. In front of him, there stood an apparent wall almirah that opened in a forest. Since the rumour had spread, he started building this with the help of one of his friends and it took almost a month. He put down all the showcases on an adjacent table and he was trying to remove the pseudo wall when―

Oh wo...that is some pretty cool plans, I also love how he takes the time to say goodbye to the house that if he lived in it for over a century he should be pretty attached to. It really gives you the sense that this is a house that he's made a lot of memories. Also...oooh, abrupt cut off at the end there...that's interesting.

“Oh, Mr. Quirk. Bad luck, I should say!” a sinister-looking man stood behind him accompanied by around 100 robots, “What a subtle plan you made but your brain is a bit too old to tell you that the Government is cleverer than you. Oh ho ho. So, come with us”. He would be arrested, his plan had failed, the robots were advancing towards him accompanied by another man draped in complete black. Only his black-brown eyes were visible.

Oh noooo....his plan is in ruins...and he worked ever so hard on it. I love this little twist here, not to mention this also tells us that the government was taking the capture of Mr. Quirk really seriously and paying a lot of attention to what was going on, I really love that you did that, to make sure we know as readers that the government won't be stopped by simple sleeping pills in food.

“Robots, turn back. March forward and go out. I order you to go out. Mr. Quirk―” the tumult had risen. The black-brown-eyed man said this.

“What―” interfered the police officer.

Okay....wait a minute...that's not what the police wanted...oooh, is Mr. Quirk going to get someone's help here. This person definitely did seem quite mysterious when he was first described but I assume he was some government special agent or something....hmm, well, this is very intriguing.

“I TOLD YOU TO ESCAPE, MR. QUIRK. I WILL MANAGE IT. GO OUT, ESCAPE,” the man yelled, “OPEN IT. OPEN!”

A series of men advanced towards him, “ROBOTS,” he called, “Pull these men from me. Fast!”

Oh whoa...he's definitely getting help here, the second twist in this chapter, and I am loving this so far...and it also looks like the robots are under the command of this man, either he's a high ranking official, or he's hacked into the robots themselves, but well, this definitely makes this escape look a lot more epic here. Fighting your way out with the help of potentially hacked robots is a lot more exciting than sleeping pills in food and sneaking out.

The robots marched. Pulled them. He continued, “Mr. Quirk, escape!”

The man pulled open the pseudo wall, pushed Mr. Quirk into it. He felt him sliding through the tunnel and a sangfroid thought came to him– he was perhaps, saved.

Well, we all certainly hope you're saved Mr. Quirk. It looks like you're the only one that can try to recall your memory and figure out what is threatening the country, and you can't do that if the government arrest you and do something horrible.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I have to say this is probably the best chapter of the whole book so far, I've really enjoyed reading upto this point, and this escape was really nicely done here. I can't wait to see what's going to happen in the next one. Is Mr. Quirk going to make his escape? Who is this mysterious man that can control the robots?

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry