Young Writers Society

Hey Forever!

RandomTalks here with a review!

Well, things certainly are moving forward!

I think I came up with both their theories in some previous review. Of course, I could not decide which was correct, but I think that both of the options are a little obvious. But it doesn't really affect the story though, the mystery and the excitement is still there.

So now Mr. Quirk is trying to recreate whatever he invented 60 years ago. And apparently it was a memory forgetting potion of some sorts. The confidence with which he recreated the potion really surprised me and I think it surprised Lils too. It added this hurried tone to the story that I think really worked well in this chapter. However, I do think that if the death of his family, made him do something this drastic, then maybe you should have explored his grief a little bit in the previous chapter. So that we get some idea about how difficult it was for me and we can sympathize with him, you know?

I still do not know how this is making people across the country drop dead randomly, but I think we are moving towards the finale slowly. So maybe all will get explained.

A tiny nitpick:

Mr. Quirk's bain didn't compensate.

There is a typo here. It will be 'brain', and not 'bain'.

Keep writing!

Hi ForeverYoung299,

Mailice here with a short review!

At last we have a rough idea of what happened to Mr. Quirk. I'm glad we finally have some clarity on that. It was an interesting chapter with an exciting and dynamic writing style in terms of dialogues. I liked this quick change between Mr. Quirk and Lils, and that it seemed like a play. I also liked that you inserted who was speaking from time to time so that the reader could keep an overview. It just didn't show that way towards the end and I think you could insert who is speaking once or twice.

Here I have to write again the same thing I wrote in the last chapters; the story moves quite fast and you sometimes jump from one point to another. Mr. Quirk stays alone to think, then right after that he wants to go to the lab and after he mixes the gas he finds his memories again. You have to try to get the transitions a little better, because it seems so choppy and flat. If you look at it that way, you jump from three sections of Mr. Quirk's will to be alone to the return of his memories. It would help to just add little sentences like they went there, what the lab looks like, or how long Mr. Quirk has been thinking now, etc....

Otherwise it was a great chapter with a big step forward.

Some other things that caught my eye:

"It's going well, you see. I was very sad due to the death of my family and was trying to invent something to make me forget everything.

The last chapter doesn't really talk about Mr. Quirk being convinced that his family is dead. I would try to paraphrase that or specifically imply in the previous chapter that he is convinced his family is dead.

Mr. Quirk clasped his hands hoping for some p[positive answer but it didn't come.

Here's a little typo at positive.

"If that was the case, why would the enemies attack you, huh?"

I'm a little surprised here that Lils speaks like that. (That "huh"?") I would then at least add a comment that he is surprised to hear what Mr. Quirk says.

"No, don't talk rubbi-I mean that's not practical. Think hard and recall your memory. That's the best way..."

That seems a little strange to me, Lils talking like that. Does he have something to hide or does he know more than he is currently revealing?

who wants to forget the past."[

A little typo here too.

Have fun writing!

Mailice

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...things are really getting close now....we almost know what this mysterious substance is...and well, things are definitely starting to get revealed now, and I can't wait to see what'll come in the next one.

Anyway let's get right to it,

"I don't think so. How can it be?"

"Yes, of course, it can be," Mr. Quirk was standing, "It's going well, you see. I was very sad due to the death of my family and was trying to invent something to make me forget everything."

Well, that's definitely going to be supporting the theory about his invention being the cause...especially if it looks like in this case he actually tried to invent something to forget about the horrible thing that happened to his family here.

"But–but there should have been some pictures of them in your case if that's the case."

"No, maybe I removed all of them so I don't remember them. Possible, it's possible.." Mr. Quirk clasped his hands hoping for some p[positive answer but it didn't come.

Hmm, him removing the picture to make sure that he couldn't accidentally run into them and remember them again seems like a pretty logical thing to assume there...cause having pictures would definitely not help out all with forgetting.

"If that was the case, why would the enemies attack you, huh?"

"That– that is the problem," His brain seemed to burst but still he continued, "Maybe someone else's invention—"

Well...that does seem like an invention that is probably not the lethal thing responsible for the country currently being attacked...hmm, well, this is starting to get even more interesting here now.

"No, don't talk rubbi–I mean that's not practical. Think hard and recall your memory. That's the best way..."

"Um... can you please leave me alone for some time? I–I need to think if you—"

Oooh...that was almost a little bit of an argument there between the two...or at least a bit of a misunderstanding...its definitely the first time we've seen Mr. Quirk ask Lils to leave like that.

"Oh yeah, okay." Lils left.

Who was right? His theory was a pretty decent one and Lils' one– He didn't hear it properly. He had been experimenting. What can happen during an experiment? He had the answer and his memory nodded.

Well, Lils did at least leave immediately so you can see that Lils does in fact respect Mr. Quirk wanting some space there, so that's a good sign, it doesn't look like he's going to suddenly turn into a bad person somehow.

"Lils, Lils, I need to go to the lab" he was literally yelling.

"Mr. Quirk," Lils came running flying open the steel door, "What's wrong?"

"I need to go to the lab, now"

"Yes, yes, come with me."

Well, he called him back quickly...there...and it seems almost like a bit of an emergency, well it looks like we've got some interesting experiments coming our way soon...this certainly seems like its about to lead to some breakthroughs in this mystery here.

They almost ran towards the lab door. Lils opened the door giving a complex password which Mr. Quirk's bain didn't compensate. He strode to the table. He didn't have any time of how the lab looked like...

Wow, well, it looks like that password is a pretty strong one there if someone as smart as Mr. Quirk is also having trouble understanding it...well, this certainly is a pretty secret facility here.

"Give me Deuts, Sipbn, Jumed, Agbo. Fast." Mr. Quirk almost ordered Lils.

"But they are—"

"Do you have them?"

"Yeah but--"

"Give me, fast."

Well those are not real chemicals from Earth as far as I know...but from this world, well they certainly sounds crazy and scientific enough to pass for some sort of crazy formula that could create whatever mind wiping/ destructive chemical here.

Mr. Quirk grabbed them as soon as Lils brought them from a higher row. "Give me a mask and you too wear one and keep a safe distance from it. Got it?"

"Yeah, but—"

"Move and the masks."

Well, Mr. Quirk definitely had some sort of brainwave or something there cause he looks to be suuper focused on that whole thing he's running there, not to mention it looks to be a pretty dangerous chemical there with the masks. The fact that Lils can't even seem to figure out what's going on is definitely quite interesting.

Both of them wore masks. The experiment began. He cut each of them in a very definite proportion ignoring Lils' bewildered looks. He took a container and mixed them all. It formed a blue colour gas-like substance. He hurriedly put on the lid of the container.

Well, the experiment begins...and well, it's managing to bring across that right amount of detail to not sound like its too bogged down with scientific detail while it still manages to bring convey what's happening here so that's a neat little description there.

"It's made and I have regained my memory. Not the whole but the experiment thing. It was a memory-losing substance."

"Are you sure about it? Lils stammered.

"200%"

Well, that solves that mystery there...the whole situation around why Mr. Quirk lost his memory...and well a science experiment like that definitely seems to be a very good choice here, it all manages to check out pretty well. A pretty satisfying conclusion there.

"However, I am not."

"Well, we need to test."

"But how can we?"

Hmm, well testing is usually not a very easy process especially when its just the two of them and both of them are currently on the run from the government...testing it on themselves definitely doesn't seem like an option in their current situation.

Mr. Quirk sighed. "We need to find a person who has no chance of survival."

"Why though? We can try it on someone who wants to forget the past."[

"No... We can't. The person can die of what is in this room."

"What–what is in this room?"

"I don't know. Let's go."

Mr. Quirk kept the container on a table and left with Lils.

Oooohhh...somehow that is also the thing that can cause all those deaths...well, well, well, things are really heating up...the reveal here was definitely pretty neat and I can't wait to see how this substance is responsible for these deaths here...although finding someone that's got no chance of survival seems pretty tough there...especially with them currently on the run...well we shall see I suppose.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this is one of my favorite chapters here, cause we've got some science happening and we get to see this mystery slowly being revealed now...my prediction about his invention causing the memory loss was right...woo...and now I can't wait to see how these two find a test subject and how this compound works here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry