Young Writers Society

Hey Forever!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

So Mr. Quirk is now trying to recall what happened 60 years ago. I doubt that some stories from his neighbors would bring his memory back, especially because he seems to be the scientific type and they usually hole themselves up in their house with their inventions and discoveries. Still, I guess this is a step forward and it might reveal something important. I am also a little curios to find out how he lost his memory. Whatever he discovered must have caused it, or maybe it was the enemy who erased his memory after stealing his discovery? So many theories.

“Oh! You! You inhuman people!”

That seems a little excessive reaction towards someone who was just asking what they were talking about.

Overall, this chapter moved the plot along, giving us an idea where this could lead to.

Onto the next chapter, I guess!

Hi ForeverYoung299,
Mailice here with a short review!:D

That was another interesting chapter and I see that the plot is moving forward here and is now more focused on the time around 60 years ago. You arouse my interest in what happened there and I am curious to see what the police officer will find out about Mr. Quirk and / or whether he himself will find some gaps in his memory.

You also proved in this chapter that you have some good approaches to the combination of dialogues and descriptions. Some things could still be developed though, they still seem like a seedling to me, and that's where I think it needs some more rain.
I also had the impression that this chapter was a bit longer, which I also liked. I just found the beginning a bit too bumpy in the sense that the reader couldn't immediately understand who was being talked about. I would have added a bit more about these tunnels and the photos. Maybe you could add some other characters, using the photos from that time.

It also arouses my curiosity, if things happened 60 years ago, how old Mr. Quirk is. Or is he a time traveller? According to my calculations, he would have to be at least 80 if he created something that killed five people back then.

Other points that struck me:

"Help! Me!"

Since the police officer says that, I would rewrite it to "Help! You?" since it's not like he's helping himself.

"Help...me... Okay... I-I will."

Same here. Since the police officer is saying this, I would replace the "Me" with "You".

"I was just asking him to help me in cooking, you have any problem?"

That's a funny and quick response from Mr. Quirk.

Hmm. Currently, I can somewhat deduce that Mr. Quirk, like the others, loves his country and wants to help, but also think he wants to do the right thing the wrong way. Probably because his hands are tied and he has no way to fight back.
I'm curious to see how you resolve the story and what else Mr. Quirk will experience.

Have fun writing!

Mailice

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well, this just continues even more mysterious now...except now it looks like there's going to be movement in the plot towards actually solving this memory problem...which is exciting cause it looks like the plot is really moving on from the first act to the second act now.

Anyway let's get right to it,

He had made some secret passageways when the rumour of the attack spread throughout the country so as to escape in times of danger. There was only one passageway undiscovered by the robots or the police.

Oooh...looks like Mr. Quirk is about to attempt some sort of escape from this house arrest scenario here....that should definitely be very interesting to see...also I wonder what the consequences of doing something like that might be..if he does run away, the government is definitely going to take that as confirmation that he is in fact someone that helped the enemy and that's why he asked.

He was sitting alone in his drawing-room guarded by one officer in the drawing-room and many others outside. While rummaging his brain for memories, he had a nebulous vision of something associated with his research. From the wall-hanging photos, the vision was of nearly 60 years ago. He saw that he was jumping, laughing and his face bespoke his inner joy. He couldn't suppress the thought that he had really invented something dangerous in his past.

Ooooh...this is a lovely little vision here...I love how it just seems to come right out of nowhere, when he's just racking his brain trying to figure out if he can remember what he's done...and well, this is a nice little teaser to show that perhaps he really did have a hand in whatever this is.

Though these thoughts were haunting him, he nearly smiled after seeing a Police officer's face full of apprehension gazing at him. A sudden thought ran across his mind. He stood up.

“Officer,” he began trying hard to maintain an emotionless face.

Okay...well, I have a feeling he just had a pretty crazy idea there and he's going to use the officer guarding him to do something potentially crazy here...and well...it definitely seems like the start of what will be a pretty fun scene here.

“Who, who called me?” The officer almost jumped.

“It's me, officer.”

“Oh yes, yes you. Yea tell.”

Wow, that officer was not paying any attention to the person that he was in charge of guarding if he can't even notice when Mr. Quirk speaks to him, either that or the officer just didn't want to imagine Mr. Quirk speaking to him.

“Can you please help me?”

“Help! Me!” the officer seemed more frightened, “I can't help a– a criminal.”

Well, that might be a tiny bit of a problem for Mr. Quirk there...if the officer is not going to want to help him at all...I do hope Mr. Quirk prepared some sort of plan to get around that...or it looks like whatever master plan he came up with is going to fail before it even begins.

Mr. Quirk was quite ready for this. “You don't want to protect your country?”

“Me, yes me, I–I do want but—”

“I'm not a criminal and I want to recall my memory. I ardently hope that I can recall it with a little bit help.”

Okay...he actually just went ahead with telling the truth there, I was expecting him to go ahead with a plan that was a little sneakier than that...but uhh, well, this one seems like a good way to go as well, and there's bonus points for not losing anyone's trust by lying about anything.

“Help...me... Okay... I–I will.”

Mr. Quirk grinned. “Okay. Then do as I say. Ask my neighbours to tell every bit of information they know about me. It should be stretched to the utmost limit. I think you can do it. Then there should be Government records of deaths and their relatives in this area... If there isn't, then the neighbours can help, I guess. And yes, see if people have shifted from here in the past 65 years. If yes, locate them at any cost and try to extract information from them.

Okay...the way this guy suggests they extract information almost sounds a bit sinister there, like they're about to just kidnap all of his neighbors and interrogate the neighbors for information about Mr. Quirk..but, as crazy as this sounds, this actually seems like a pretty smart plan here on the part of Mr. Quirk, it definitely seems like a plan that could actually work here...

The officer was gazing at him with wide eyes and raised eyebrows. “Me? How can I do all of these?I can—”

Mr. Quirk was very sure that he intended to say that he couldn't, “ You can. You have to for the sake of your country.”

Okay....well, probably that one officer actually can't do it by himself, but I'm quite sure if the whole police force got involved and with the help of the government, that's actually a pretty viable plan there...certainly seems like perhaps their only hope at the moment of discovering what this invention is.

“Okay, okay. I will help.”

“What, what help are you people talking about?” said another Police officer marching from the door towards them.

“Oh! You! You inhuman people!” Mr. Quirk said struggling to keep his voice from becoming frightening, “I was just asking him to help me in cooking, you have any problem?”

Okay...he's going to actually make only one person do this...now that will be much more difficult...and also...wow, that was definitely a pretty on the spot excuse there...ahh..adds a bit of humor there with him declaring it was all to do with just cooking....

“Yes, I do. Mr. Yoeak can you come with me, please? I have to talk with you regarding something.”

“Y–yes, of course.” Mr. Yoeak, the officer whom Mr. Quirk had been talking to replied.

Hmm, well I have a feeling this officer is potentially going to be important going forward then, considering this is pretty much one of the only characters in this whole story that we know the name of...and well...this ends on yet another exciting note here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, another lovely chapter...I feel like the pacing is actually getting a lot better as these chapters go on, and with this chapter seeming to be the start of things getting solved here...I'm really excited to see where this story goes.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry