Young Writers Society

Hey Forever!

RandomTalks here with a review!

I like how you build you chapters now - you balance the dialogue with the thoughts and the story flows more naturally because of it. Even your style feels more well developed her than in the beginning and it is easier to follow the text.

Now, I really enjoyed this chapter, especially because of the little bit of humor you inserted in it (I do not know if that was intentional). I wondered why Mr. Quirk had not thought of going out to his neighbors himself and talking with them. That way he would get to listen to them directly instead of relying on some outside source. Maybe he is not allowed to go out? Well, he will have to go now, because it seems that the Police Officer has given him an ultimatum. I wonder how he is going to remember everything in just 24 hours. It seems impossible to me.

He often had the thought of death conquering his mind. It might be that he had lived a little longer than one should. That is why he was facing injustice.

I really loved this paragraph and the humor you included here. I know how it feels to have so many people in your house and have to cook and clean after them, so I can certainly relate with him here. But I think you showed his frustration in a very realistic and funny way.

That's all.

See you in the next chapter!

Hi ForeverYoung299,
Mailice here with a short review!

This was a split, great chapter where an irrevocable deadline is inserted. I found that to be the biggest reveal in this chapter after it went more towards humour, in my opinion, when you started telling about what the cops and robots were doing at his house.
I think this part reads better than the previous ones, because by now you've been with Mr. Quirk for a long time, and now there's more and more to read about him, which is very important for the complete build-up.

Something I wonder, what happened with the help from last chapter? Is the one policeman looking for all kinds of clues from the neighbours over the last sixty years to find out about Mr. Quirk?

In terms of structure and layout, I thought it was a well written chapter, I really liked the introduction in particular and felt that the sentence was different from the rest of the text because it built directly on the previous point. It was a really dynamic introduction for the chapter.
Other points I noticed while reading:

His house was no less than a dwelling place for a hundred police officers and robots.

I would be very interested to know how big Mr. Quirk's house is. I mean, if there are around a hundred people, it must be a mansion, if not a castle.

"Mr. Quirk, I have a good news for you," said the Police Officer.

The "a" is too much in the policeman's dialogue as well as I noticed that in the last chapter you wrote Police Officer with a lower case letter for officer. I would prefer this spelling as you present it here.

Mr. Quirk's heart wanted to believe that it was just a mere warning but his brain knew too well that it wasn't.

I love this sentence as you put into words a good combination of reason and intuition.

In summary, it was a great chapter where the plot really gets going again. I wonder how the story will develop from now on and how Mr. Quirk will get his memories back (if at all).

Have fun writing!

Mailice

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm baack for another review!!

First Impression: OOoh...a bit of a deadline here...I love that little turn of events there, having a set date like that just makes everything so much more exciting and it looks like Mr. Quirk is really going to have to act fast here...and try not to panic too much here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was one of the worst days Mr. Quirk had ever experienced. Mr. Yoeak had probably been removed from the service in his house; Mr. Quirk had a vague impression that from the Police service too. Meanwhile, the condition of the country had worsened than anyone had dreamt of.

Uh oh...starting on a bit of a sad note there, it looks like whatever plan they managed to concoct up in the previous chapter did not go as planned at all judging by how that currently sounds. It definitely sounds like things are about to get even worse for poor Mr. Quirk..and that's just when we thought things could maybe get better.

His house was no less than a dwelling place for a hundred police officers and robots. The worst part of it was they didn't stretch the slightest helping hand to him when it came to cleaning the house. Often his house was ransacked and he had to restore all the unarranged things to their proper places. Moreover, he had to cook the food for them too. He often had the thought of death conquering his mind. It might be that he had lived a little longer than one should. That is why he was facing injustice.

Well, I've seen people cook for a hundred people before...and that is not easy or particularly cheap...its almost hard to believe if one man can actually pull that off. That'll definitely get you feeling quite horrible, especially when coupled with the fact that he keeps having to clean up after everyone...looks like the police force isn't actively doing anything bad, but by acting this way they're still torturing Mr. Quirk indirectly.

“Mr. Quirk, I have a good news for you,” said the Police Officer who he hated because he was the one responsible for Yoeak's sacking, “You have only 24 hours in hand. Either you will reveal your secret or be prepared to get arrested. It will really be fun to deal with you.”

It looks like the police have run out of patience now...the situation in the country must have really come to a horrible point if the police have decided that it going to have to be sorted in 24 hours one way or the other. I do like how the stakes have slowly increased up to now and here we come to a point where there's a deadline, showing the stakes are at their highest...and its time for things to really start happening.

“WHAT!” Mr. Quirk exclaimed, “I haven't done—”

“Enough is enough!” The Police Officer went outside leaving Mr. Quirk in utter desperation.

Well...desperation definitely will set in when things are going to go that much into the deep end here. Things are most definitely not going too well for the poor guy now...hopefully he can come up with a solution quickly before its too late.

Mr. Quirk's heart wanted to believe that it was just a mere warning but his brain knew too well that it wasn't. He had to recall his memory at any cost. Is it even possible for a person to recall everything within 24 hours? It's impossible, he thought, how, how can I do it?

It certainly sounds like a nearly impossible feat considering it has been a while since Mr. Quirk has been trying to remember but until now he hasn't actually managed to recall anything. Well, we'll soon found out I suppose.

Again he remembered something. The person(his younger self) jumping with something very vague in his hand. Perhaps, it was the thing that he had invented. But his main concern was to elude arrest. He had to do that to recall his memory. Mr. Yoeak would not be able to do that for he had been sacked from the service. He felt guilty, he was the one responsible for it. He himself would have to go around to collect his memory. There was only one way to do it.

Oooh, looks like he's about to perhaps make some sort of escape or something....and go on a bit of a journey to recall his memory...or at the very least, that's the general vibe I'm getting from this chapter at the moment and I love that idea.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Ahh, this chapter, really makes things even more exciting now that we know that unless Mr. Quirk recalls his memory or manages to pull of an escape he's going to end up in big trouble...can't wait to see what Mr. Quirk does about this in the next chapter.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry