Young Writers Society

Hey Forever!

RandomTalks back with another review!

Wow...I know I said this in the last review, but I did not expect that to happen. This hast to be the most surprising chapter I have ever read. I do not know why I never drew the connection between the similarities in their appearances. But I think having no idea made this chapter even more satisfying to read. I honestly do not know how Mr. Quirk's heart can take all this excitement. I personally would have had a cardiac arrest by now.

So Lil's brother is Mr. Quirk's son. And all Lil did was to protect his brother. I still do not know how that makes me feel. I had genuinely had considered him a good person, but a man must have some sense of right or wrong. Even his son should have been smarter than to get involved in this. It is not like he got under bad influence, after all, even after the accident he was raised by family of scientists.

At least, Mr. Yoeak got to save the day! I had genuinely underestimated him at the beginning of he story. I guess he had been a part of it all along, creeping along in the shadows. I am glad he got to shine in the end, the man deserves it.

One suggestion I have though is to make the ending more believable. It felt a little rushed to me. One minute Mr. Quirk is discovering that Lil's brother is his son, and then someone from the next room is screaming that they have discovered the antidote. As a result before we get to process one thing, something else already takes the front wheel. Also, I found it a bit strange, how quickly Mr. Quirk forgave him and accepted everything. Giving him some time to reflect on all that happened would make the ending a bit more believable and smoother.

Overall this was quite the journey. Your earlier chapters were a bit problematic, but the change is quite significant in the later chapters. Though there are still some grammar mistakes, your writing takes on a different structure and the readers can see you expanding your technique and slowly trying to add more weight to the story. I think that if you ever expand this in the future and include more details and descriptions and edit the grammar errors, this will turn into a very good novella. Already with the ending you chose, I can see a continuation taking place where Mr. Quirk tries to get to know his son and help him in his journey of self forgiveness. I am not sure if you ever plan to continue this, but there certainly are chances.

Still, I think it is sufficient to say that your writing has improved much from then and now. All your stories have a fast pace but now I have seen you branching out and exploring the thoughts in detail in your latest novel.

I wish you best of luck for all the amazing ideas you come up with in the future. This was fun to read!

Keep up the good work and have a great day!

Have a good day, ForeverYoung299!

The review:

Well, I don't know where to begin, I barely managed to keep myself from commenting on the rest of the chapters as excitement kept building up on me. I love the cliffhangers in the end of each chapter but I was afraid that with the mess made in every chapter that extended the story. But, fortunately, you have clearly managed to end up all the loose ends of the story. There were a lot of surprises in this chapter, although I did guess one of them.

I like how Mr. Yoeak turned up to be the real hero of the story in this chapter, as he was the one who kept tab on Mr Quirk even while he knew that he could be in danger, and the fact that he kept his morale up even after getting sacked of his job - although he wasn't featured too much in the story. But I did guess that Mr Lils will turn up to be a villain, but this ended up with him being sort of an antihero. I initially thought that the president was corrupted or he just interviewed random people who he had a suspicion on, but it turns out that he was almost correct in having a suspicion on Mr Quirk. I didn't at all expect Lils' brother/Mr Quirk's son to really be Mr Quirk's son, although there was a hint before. Moreover, I was surprised how he became the villain in the end. But it was really kind of Mr Quirk to accept Lils' brother as his son. And it all ended in a happy ending.

All in all, this novella was extremely entertaining. Although there were several places in the whole novella where grammar could have been better, but those are ignorable mistakes. It was really enjoyable and keep it up! :p

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well, this was one of the most satisfying chapters I've read. I do love the scenes towards the end of a story when every little thing starts to make sense and the problems are slowly being solved.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Mr.Quirk found him in the very same state as he had been three months ago. 50 people, including the President, were looking down at him. He was in the very same room; the same smell of the medicines and a few other beds beside him. He felt his l; left arm hurting like hell. He tried to wake up on the support of his right hand but failed.

"You are not well. Don't get up. Just say us the formula. We need it as soon as possible." The President said.

"I don't know it. I tried many formulas but I don't know which one actually did the miracle." He replied.

"Alright. We have many bodies. We can use them. Do you remember the formulas you used?"

"Yea, yea, I do. Note down." He told all the formulas he could recall, "Try these on different bodies and combinations can also be tried."

"Try these as he told and I want this room to be empty within five minutes." The President ordered.

"What actually happened with me?" Mr. Quirk asked.

"He targeted your forehead but thanks to Mr. Yoeak. He reached the place at the perfect time. Because of him only, the bullet hit your hand instead of your forehead."

Mr. Quirk had almost forgotten about Mr. Yoeak. "What, I mean how did he know about all these things?"

"He had contact with Lokils." The President heaved a deep sigh, "Lokils was constantly refusing him from contacting you. That is why he suspected him and went there with some Police officers whom he managed to convey."

"Where are they now?"

"Mr. Yoeak is interrogating Lokils and you–I mean his brother."

"Why did they want to kill me?"

The President looked grave. "Lokils saved you only for his brother. His brother was the actual culprit of all these."

"All these?"

"Yes, he was the one to pass it to the enemies."

"What!" Mr. Quirk nearly jumped up but sank back due to the pain.

"Don't move much. Your hand is still not in a great situation and there's something more in stock for you."

"What–what is it!?"

"Lokils' brother is actually—"

"Who?"

"Haven't you ever wondered why he looks like you?"

"What do you mean?" Mr. Quirk's heart pounding, the gravity pulling him with all its strength. What more he had to discover?

"He... he is actually your son."

"WHAT! NO! It's not possible."

"Yes, it is. He too had a memory loss. Remember? That happened due to the accident. Lokils' father found him laying unconscious with his mother... They adopted him. They were good people, you know..."

"No, no, my son can't be a helper of the—"

"I know it's hard but it's the truth. After recalling his memory, he wanted to visit you and he did. He observed you for many days through the windows of your house. He got aware of your discovery. He didn't tell anyone... But, one day, after many years, there was an offer in the newspaper regarding some good invention. He gave it to them, our enemies."

"No, it's not—"

"Yes, it is. But note, he did not know about the deadly gas nor did the enemies. The enemies only wanted to spread their fame but then they got aware of the harmful gas after one of their scientists died and...and used it on us."

"But—"

"Let me speak. This is quite a long one. It will take time. The enemy used him as a spy because they needed the antidote. You know, to earn money they needed it. They were of the opinion that you can have it. They threatened him to gain your trust and steal it from you. And yes, the kidnap was a kind of drama for you to have trust in Lokils. Poor man, his love for his brother made him a criminal. Now, you can speak, and here comes Mr. Yoeak. "

"Mr. Quirk, how are you? I kept my word. I helped you." Mr. Yoeak said smiling.

"Yoeak, I don't have words to express my—"

"Sir, the antidote's found!" A man said from outside the door.

"I on behalf of the whole Government beg forgiveness. We are really sorry for all your sufferings." The President said.

"It's okay and I want to see Lils' broth―I mean my son."

"You will accept him as your―"

"Yes, I will. He didn't do it intentionally nor did I."

Hi ForeverYoung299,

Mailice here with a short review!

Well, that was a chapter with many surprises. In any case, it left an impression on the reader and I think you did a good job of building it up to this point to reveal such little connections only now. That was a great way to do it.

Now to the general point. You asked if you've improved in your writing. There are definitely points where you have improved a lot, but that still sometimes disappears between chapters. Especially when it comes to smaller descriptions, you are now able to insert a structure, but sometimes it gets lost again. Especially in chapters where there is more dialogue or the plot takes a big step forward. I see you have built the foundation of the house and are now trying to add furniture. But there are still some floors missing to keep the house standing. Nevertheless, I like the fact that you have already improved on many points.

I would recommend that you take this story as a starting point and when you write the next one, first write down your structure - as you did in this case - and then close your eyes and think about what it looks like where the characters are. You would then have to insert that. When you're a little better at that, you can put it in together. It is important in a story that it is not only exciting, but also tangible for the reader. At the moment your story is still like a play, except that the lighting is mostly too dim to see more than Mr. Quirk on stage.

I'm excited to see what else you'll conjure up.

He felt his l; left arm hurting like hell.

He targeted your forehead but thanks to Mr. Yoeak.

"What!"

"He... he is actually your son."