Young Writers Society

Hey Forever!

RandomTalks back with another review!

I am glad that Mr. Quirk has finally found an ally in Lils. This is certainly no game for a 110 year old man, but knowing that he has someone looking out for him gives me some confidence that things may turn out okay for him in the end.

Lils seems like a sincere man. I am a little curios as to how he got his telepathic powers but for the moment he seems to have good interests in his heart and seems like a trust worthy fellow. He did go through a lot of trouble to look out for Mr. Quirk. I will be truly sorry if he betrays him in the end.

This chapter was mostly dialogue and it felt a little separated from the rest of the story. Another moment of calm before something happens I guess.

A tiny nitpick:

“Who you exactly are?” Mr. Quirk asked calmly.

This question will be better framed as : "Who are you exactly?"

That's all. See you in the next chapter!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well, this was a very well placed chapter here, we needed a bit of a cooldown after all the intense action of the previous parts so that we could process the situation and we got exactly that in this chapter.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Who you exactly are?” Mr. Quirk asked calmly.

They(Mr. Quirk and black-brown-eyed man) were now in a mansion which was the man's house.

“I am just a mere human being as you are and of course a child of Lnito.” The man answered. He had a modulated voice.

Oooh, looks like this man is a bit of a fan of secrecy there with the modulated voice....that's definitely an interesting detail there....and it looks like these two are now in what I assume is perhaps some sort of pretty secure mansion there...or else they wouldn't exactly be calm in this situation.

“Your name?”

“I am Lohme Lokils”

“I–I have heard it somewhere."

Hmm, well, that definitely has a nice ring of alliteration to it that name...seems oddly fitting for a mysterious stranger that helped save Mr. Quirk from the predicament that he is currently stuck in here.

re. I can't remember but I have heard it or maybe read it.”

Okay...odd bit of repetition there...I wonder what this is meant to indicate there or perhaps this was something you forget to remove in an edit or something...its just a little weird here...

“Oh yeah, maybe you have. I am a scientist and that is the reason I understand you and your feelings.”

“Yes, yes. I remember, the famous scientist L. Lokils!”

The man simply nodded. Mr. Quirk continued, “Um... Only if you—”

Oooh...a scientist...well, this one is also quite good at fighting in addition to science if he managed to pull of the earlier escape from the government in that very mysterious dark room...definitely a man of many talents there.

“Oh yeah, you can call me whatever you want. My name is a bit hard, I know. Maybe Lils will do. That doesn't sound bad.”

“You are great at telepathy. You really captured my mind, Lils.”

Well these two are getting along pretty well, definitely a good thing there cause it looks like Mr. Quirk is not going to get anyone besides Lils to help him out of this current situation that he is here.

Both of them smiled. After what seemed eternity, Mr. Quirk got one person to talk with.

“It's night already. Let's sleep now. Tomorrow morning, we will talk.” Lils said, voicing out Mr. Quirk's mind. He couldn't help but admire Lils.

Hmm, well as long as they're in a safe place where the government isn't going to track them down, taking a good rest like that is definitely the way to go...Mr. Quirk might be quite active for his age but he is over a hundred years old and could definitely use some rest.

While sleeping, his dreams reminded him of the questions that he had forgotten to ask Lils. How did he find him? Why did they want to kill him?

"Your tea, Mr. Quirk," Lils was standing beside him holding a cup of tea, " It's 11 a.m., thought I should call you. You haven't eaten anything in a while."

Well, those definitely seem like questions that demand immediate answers there. There's definitely a lot going on now that Mr. Quirk doesn't know and this man seems to know the answer to at least some of those things.

Seriously it was 11 a.m. He was so exhausted that he slept for almost 12 hours, a rare phenomena to him. "I--I couild make it. Why did you--" his eyes were still sleepy.

"It's my duty to serve for old men. Mr. Quirk, you have cooked for 100 men for so long. You must be tired. Don't worry, I am not that bad at making tea nor have I mixed sleeping pills."

Well that's a nice little moment to have someone treat Mr. Quirk properly there for a change..definitely quite a contrast with the way that the police were treating him when he was on house arrest earlier.

"No, no, I didn't--"

"I know, drink it."

He drank the wonderful tea. "Um.. I have a few questions top ask."

Ooh, well these answers should certainly be quite exciting here.

"Oh yeah, ask. If your question is where were you, you were captured by the enemies. They wanted to kill you so that none except them knows whatever it is."

Mr. Quirk shot up faster than a lightning bolt, "Then-- then I seriously invented it."

Oooh...so my theory from earlier was correct...this isn't actually the government but the enemies...well that certainly makes things even more interesting...I was starting to believe that perhaps that was the government resorting to extreme measures but now that it is in fact the enemies it makes a lot more sense why such a horrible thing was about to be done and Lils killed all of them to rescue Mr. Quirk. It also shows just how horrible the enemies they're facing are.

"Oh yeah, I was pretty sure about it after collecting all your information from your neighbours." Lils said.

"You, how did you--"

"Mr. Quirk, come on, I was in your house for a whole month disguised as a police officer. I always kept an eye on you and that is how I saw Mr. Yoeak and you talking about it."

Well...Mr. Quirk definitely has the right to be surprised there...it has to have been a pretty good disguise by Lils if he remained undetected for so long as he kept an eye on Mr. Quirk.

"Um... I see, what exactly happened to him?"

"Poor Mr. Yoeak, he was sacked. He is really angry on the Government. However, he helped me in gathering all these information. I will give you all those files today only. Tou will see."

"You-- you have really done a lot for me."

Mr. Quirk couldn't express how grateful he felt.

Well, this was a nice little break from the action of the previous two chapters..really allowed us to sort of process what had been going on so far and now these files are finally there for Mr. Quirk to look at...well, this is definitely going to be some very interesting information in the chapter to come here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, another pretty solid chapter, this one had perhaps a couple of hiccups here and there but nothing too severe...plotwise I think this is going really well, the overall pacing has improved quite a bit from the first few chapters...and you're developing these characters up pretty well too. I'm really excited to see what information we might discover in that next chapter.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hi ForeverYoung299,

Mailice here with a short review!

I'm glad to read that Mr. Quirk has finally found someone who truly helps him. Finally this long game of hide and seek has come to an end and he can call himself out. It was an exciting chapter as the reader finally got more information and I also loved that a lot of it took place in dialogue to give this moment a good dynamic.

However, I also thought that some parts were a bit too quick and some were also too obvious. The dialogue is great but also too short in places and gives more questions than answers. I think you could have given some more information than these short and concise explanations of the man.

Also, I thought it would have been a perfect opportunity when Mr. Quirk wakes up in the morning to describe the room a little bit, to work a little bit more on the foundation again, to give the reader a picture of what everything looks like.

Otherwise I thought it was a great chapter with some valuable information and results and also a good summary of the situation, what exactly happened, in the past chapters.

Other points that stood out to me:

(Mr. Quirk and black-brown-eyed man).

There is a missing "the" before black-brown-eyed man here.

and of course a child of Lnito."

Uh. What does that mean? Is this the name of a country or name of a character who becomes important to the plot?

"I-I have heard it somewhere."
re. I can't remember but I have heard it or maybe read it."

Here you kind of did a double take or something? I'm not too sure why you put this here, but I think the second line can be removed.

It was an informative chapter with a happy little ending for Mr. Quirk.

Have fun writing!

Mailice