Zelinsky drove the car to Bloomdale Residence. Hell was sitting in the car by Zelinsky's side. They saw the men keeping strict watch on the house.
"Hmm... so Erwin has assigned his men over here." said Hell.
"Hmm. Let's come here at night..." replied Zelinsky.
"With full planning." Hell completed the sentence.
At night...
Zelinsky and Hell covered themselves with black clothings to match with the black silent night. They wore black masks on their faces.
Hell made one of the men fall asleep by making him smell the medicine which he brought from Dr.Ozonolysis.
Zelinsky and Hell made all the men fall asleep one after one in the same way.
"Now we should be carefree for next four hours..." said Hell.
They carefullly entered the house. They saw another man patroling inside the entrance passage. Zelinsky made him smell the medicine.
The man was about to collapse with a loud thud, but Zelisky caught him to avoid the noise. Zelinsky quietly laid the living body on the floor.
They reached the room where the cupboard was. There were four men keeping watch at the door. Secretly, Hell and Zelinsky went to the backside passage and put the medicine near their noses. All of them fell asleep.
Both Hell and Zelisnky went inside the room. From behind the door, a man attacked Zelinsky with a rod. But Zelisnky was alert. He gripped the rod and reversed its direction. The man hit himself and fell asleep without the usage of the medicine. Hell heaved out a sigh. The man was fainted, but to be on the safer side Hell made him smell the medicine.
There were two more men who were keeping watch at the door of the cupboard. Hell and Zelinsky made them smell the medicine too.
The huge cupboard was just in front of them. They saw the red light on its handle. There was no latch and no lock to it. It could be opened only by the remote.
Zelinsky removed the small racket from his pocket. He moved it on the cupboard. The racket showed red light.
"There is something poisonous inside the cupboard." said Zelinsky.
Hell slipped a thin strip inside the cupboard through the little gap in it. The strip had a button on it. Hell hit the button. After sometime, he removed it and kept back in his pocket.
Both Zelinsky and Hell left the house secretly.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
'Ello, it's Cello!
To be honest, I have not read any of the chapters before this one so it will be hard for me to make notes on character or plot development. I hope my review could still be of use though, as I plan to talk to you about the general layout of your work.
I thought I'd start with this little mistake, as you do a similar thing late ron in the book. When writing quotes like this, the last sentence in the quotation marks ends with a comma, exclamation point, or question mark- Never a period.
"It's a nice day for a walk," he said.
The period at the end of the whole sentence, not at the end of the quote. Now, don't get me wrong, you can still have periods in quotes, just not at the end of the quote.
"It's a nice day for a walk. I hope it doesn't rain," he said.
If I'm turning this into a bit of a short lesson (which I seem to be) I'd also like to mention that it is okay to end quotes in periods, as long as you don't put a 'he said' type of thing afterwards. (I forget what the term is, forgive me)
"It's a nice day for a walk. I hope it doesn't rain." He moved to the window, staring out into the yard.
I hope this cleared things up. If not, don't hesitate to contact me.
Now, here you have a great opportunity to add tons of detail to your work and you pass it up. Say what the characters are doing between dialogue. Say how they feel. What are their actions? What facial expressions are they making? Are they nervous? Excited? Let the reader be pulled into your story and allow them to connect not only with your characters but your setting. It keeps the reader interested and makes your story sound far more impressive.
Again, the same thing applies here.
(Just switched to a mobile forgive me errors)
More detail! What do the characters see? What do they hear? How do they feel? Why do they feel like this? Little things like that can make a story great.
I'm going to have to wrap this up, as my phone is not working well with yws. I hope this helped to some-
Keep up the great work!
-chocolatecello
To be honest I think it has no deeper description added to it. Many things repeat and I think you can find a way to make it more interesting. With that left behind, I think there is nothing else to complain about if we do not count these mistakes that I will be pointing out. I feel disappointed that this is the part around the last ones. I kind of feel like this could be way longer and this cupboard could be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
You need space after the fullstop of the first sentence.
You use that dots a lot and I think you need to use them more rarely. I understand when you pause but you do it too often. 'Said' is used all the time when someone talks. For each person. You need to have more of a variety.
The first time you had written 'themselves' is wrong. I think you can cut that repeating of it.
This mistake was not made only once. They an not smell them the med. They can smell the med or they can make the others smell the med.
Zelinsky made him smell the medicine.
'noise' is 'noise'.
'where the cupboard was there'
Where is the cupboard?
It was there.
You can not use 'there' and 'where' at once. As you see, one is question, other is answer. Remove 'there'. 'Where' is in that sentence instead of 'there'.
I think that this is totally option. But at least in my opinion, when you have 'from' you need to have 'to'. It is like having a start with no end.
'its direction'.
The same thing with the med.
'its' needs to be.
That is all from me. Keep on writing.
Thx for the review, King!