Erwin tied Freznel in an old brown chair with iron chains. She kept silent. She knew that there was no use of shouting and crying for help.
Erwin laughed wickedly.
"I love you, my angel!" said Erwin.
"I hate you, demon!" replied Freznel, "I am sure C.I.D will save me."
"Ahhhaaahaha! You innocent lady! We are going to run away after the sun sets..." Erwin said.
"You are so mean!" expressed Freznel.
"Yes baby! I am mean. I am shameless. And I want you to be like me."
"Huh." Freznel looked away.
Erwin shouted, "Control your attitude."
"No, I won't." declared Freznel.
Erwin leaned forward towards Freznel. He held her cheeks with one hand and said, "Don't angry me."
She gave Erwin a hateful look. Erwin stood up. He turned around and started walking. He spoke, "C.I.D is afraid of me... Hahhahahaaaa! They can't do anything..." and he left the room.
Freznel looked down. Her eyes grew watery. She saw an apparition forming three feet in front of her. She looked ahead. She blinked rapidly to clear the water in her hazel eyes. The vague apparition grew clearer and clearer. The clearness was growing upwards from feet to head. Her heartbeats grew faster.
"Marldon!" Freznel spoke.
"Shh... Freznel, I don't have my body. I am now a soul without my body." said Marldon.
Freznel looked at Marldon's eyes. They were no longer deep blue coloured. They were just two sockets. There was no nose. Only lips could be seen on the face. The whole apparition of Marldon was translucent. It had feet, hands and all the other body parts except the nose and eyes.
The soul walked closer to Freznel and sat down on knees beside the soft feet of Freznel. Freznel bursted into tears on seeing the soul of Marldon. He wiped off the tears of Freznel.
"Your touch feels like a warm beam of light." said Freznel.
"Hmm. I told you I am a soul now." replied Marldon.
"Didn't you go in heaven?" asked Freznel innocently.
He smiled and answered, "I went. God told me that he had given me life of 70 years and he can't accept me until I spend 70 years on mother earth. I told about the murder of my body by Erwin. God said that he will send Erwin to hell very soon. He gave me some magical powers and some freedom. I am invisible. Only you can see me. There is a school in heaven, where angels like me can learn more magics. I will learn more magics and soon I will have the invisibility under my control. Then whenever I want I can appear and disappear in front of other people."
"Do you feel any pain?" asked Freznel.
"No, dear."
"Are you hungry?"
"Yes. Very much. I miss your cookies---"
With a sudden loud noice the door flung open. Kappa and Theta entered the room.
Marldon's soul went close to them. He tied their scarves with each other and threw them out of the room. He walked back towards Freznel. He loosed the chains of Freznel. Erwin came in the room when he heard the screams of Kappa and Theta.
"Whats going on?" shouted Erwin.
At that moment, Hell entered the room.
Hell said, "Surrender, Mr. Erwin."
"Inspector... how did you come here?" questioned Erwin.
"By our jeep. Your game ends here and you are under arrest." Hell declared.
Freznel and Marldon were watching everything.
"Did you forget the cupboard?" said Erwin as he removed the white remote.
"Do whatever you want. We don't fear." said Hell.
"Wait." said Erwin. He dialed up a phone number.
"Status" he said on the phone.
"The place is still crowdy. The cupboard is safe. Just alarm us before you open the cupbaord."...was the reply.
He cut the phone.
"AArrrgghhh!" said Erwin. He was irritated and he hit the green button on the remote.
Within a few moments, Erwin's phone stated ringing.
"Hello." he spoke on the phone.
"Sir... the cupbaord is opened!!" replied the man on the other side.
"Fool! I hit the button." said Erwin.
"No, sir..."
"What no-sir? I hit it non sense!"
"Sir, I mean, there is salt flowing out of the cupboard! The whole room is salty!!"
"What! Salt?" said Erwin grudging his nose.
"Yes, sir! Salt!! We all tasted it... it is salt."
"Shut up! Stupid!!" shouted Erwin.
Hell went towards Erwin and handcuffed him. Zelinsky entered through the open door and freed Freznel. Marldon held Freznel's hand. She could feel the warm beam in her hands.
"What the hell! How did the salt replace the gas?" Erwin was confused.
Zelinsky answered, "Yesterday at night, we sent your men into a deep sleep. After that we slipped a gadget inside the cpboard through a small gap. The gadget had a button. When we hit the button, sodium gas got sprayed inside it. We regulated the conditions inside the cupboard with the help of the gadget. You told us the colour of the gas---green poisonous gas. We understood it was chlorine. Sodium and chlorine got reacted to form sodium chloride. That's the salt!"
"Smart kids!" said Erwin. They took Erwin in the jail. Erwin was beaten up mercilessly in the jail. He revealed the name of Steward when he ate the tight slaps from the iron like hands of the police. Steward was caught. Both of them were hanged to death by the orders of the High Court.
Freznel was free to roam with Marldon's soul.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey! I'm glad to get another installment of this story.
Your writing has a lot of voice. You've got a unique way of wording your sentences with lots of proper nouns rather than pronouns like he, she, him, and they. It's interesting to me that you don't use them that often.
Overall, your writing is really good. The most I see are things that just take some basic editing: a more in-depth look at commas as you go back over it. Honestly, everyone does comma things because it's so easy to just get into the flow of language and not remember your commas. That's what I see happening here. If you read your book again, with a focus on sentence structure, you're going to be able to spot all the places you need commas.
Anyway, here are my reading notes to you!
Quick comment: If Baby is being used as a pet-name it should be "Yes Baby! I am mean," because Baby is being used as a name rather than something like "my baby" which is possessive. Even if baby was a nickname and it was "my baby" it would still be lower case due to the same logic as "She looked at my dad" rather than "she looked at Dad."
"I told you, I am a soul ...." this actually fits better with a comma because the comma breaks up the two statements. The first being "I told you" which could stand alone as it's own sentence, and "I am a soul now" which could also stand alone. Because the two clauses are so closely related, they are one sentence, but, they need that bridging comma to show that they are two clauses joined together.
Here, we have a couple more commas that are missing.
"Yesterday, at night" This is because "At night" is an interjection of the sentence "Yesterday, we sent your men into a deep sleep" which, Yesterday, is also an interjection of time upon "We sent your men into a deep sleep." You can tell this because it is a proposition; a word which indicates direction, location, or time. These are words like "above, below, here, later, now," and so forth.
"After that," also needs a comma because of the same reason, "After" is an indication of time as well, and "that" is attached to "after" so it's a proposition attached to "We slipped a gadget inside the cupboard* through a small gap."
Overall, I'm glad to see this book is finished. You should read detective stories. I think this would fit nicely among that genre and I think you'll find a lot of them give you some inspiration for another one! You have some really unique fantasy ideas and I like that in a good book, so I hope to see what else of this is in the Green Room and pop in a review for that too.
The part with the reveal of his soul and no body thing was kind of confusing for me to be totally exact. I did not expect this addment of fantasy or whatever you can call it in this part of the work and the coming back of his like a spiritual being. I still am confused and this makes me think that this deserved more parts. I did not find any brutal or fatal mistaked in this work but the confusion stays upon me after all. It was out of the blue. So maybe I just need more only about it. Everything is just rushing too fast to the end. Forced.
'spke' is 'spoke'.
You need no space in front of 'yesterday'. 'cpboard' is 'cupboard'. 'buton' is 'button'. You need one comma after 'button' in the last one.
That is all from me. Keep on writing.
Hmm... fixed.
Thx a looot! xD