It was Freznel's third day in the cell. Freznel woke up at around 6: 30 in the morning. There was a big, old clock smeared with dust hanging on the wall. The demon might have stolen that clock... she thought as she looked at it.
She sighed. Oh, Marldon! Where are you? I am missing you so much! She thought as Marldon's face flashed before her eyes.
She heard the same noice of sea water splattering on the rocks, the occasional sounds of ships and the fan rotating above her head. Her body was aching because of the cramps, as she was sitting in the same position since long. She heard the footsteps coming closer. She was scared. What if Erwin comes and beats me?!! She felt goosebumps on her hands, which no longer looked fair because of the dirt which covered them.
The door flung open and she saw the same silouted image of the two hefty men which she has been seeing from two days. She was reminded of the embrassing incident which occured recently. Because on that day, these two men came, alarmed her and immidiately Erwin entered to rape her.
She did not utter a single word.
Days passed by and every day these two men would come and ask her to eat food, but she would refused to eat. She would only think, Did my Marldon eat anything? Where are you my heart? Where are you!??!!
Seven days passed by after she was kidnapped. After every two or three days, Erwin would come. Each time with a different mood. Sometimes he whipped her and at the other times he copulated with her. On the tenth day, she felt too tired, and weakened. So she decided to have food finally.
The two men came again with the food.
" Eat this. " said one of the men as he pushed the aluminium dish on the ground in her direction. There were two thick chappatis and some cooked pulses in the dish.
The other man went near her and freed her right hand so that she was able to eat.
" Uh-- I am lefty. "
" Oh-ho!! " grunted the man angrily. He grabbed her right hand, fastened it and freed her left hand.
She pulled the dish closer. She faced some troubles while eating. Firstly she could not tear the chappati to make a bite of it. It was too hard and thick.
" Are you just going to watch the show? Help me tear this hard-rock! " Freznel shouted at them.
The men looked at each other.
" Kappa, go and help her. ", one of the men told the other.
Oh! So the name of this man with a mole on his cheek is Kappa... Kappa, what a funny name! Haha!! Freznel hid her giggle behind her lips as she thought this.
Kappa went upto her and sat down with his legs folded.
He tore the chapatti, dipped it in the cooked pulses, blowed air on the bite to make the steam escape and fed her softly. Oh! I should not injure her small, sweet mouth... Kappa thought when he was feeding her.
" Aaaaahhhh!!! It is so hot!! How much chilly powder did you put?!! " Freznel screamed.
" A--ah! Sorry, sorry! But we eat this much hot. "
" Isss! " she drew in her breath, and continued, " Stop blabbering, you silly man! Fetch me water... fast! " she yelled sweetly. Her voice had sweetness even if she screamed, yelled, or cried.
" Theta!! What are gaping at? Go and bring water for her!! " shouted Kappa.
Okay, so this man with tangled hair is named as Theta. Freznel said to her heart.
" Isss.... Iss.... " she made noices by sucking in some air.
Theta brought water which she drank.
Kappa looked sadly at the bite and said, " It is too hot, now what should I do? "
" It's okay. Don't feel sorry. Feed me small bites. This way it would not feel that hot. But next time don't make it so hot. " said Freznel.
" Yes, yes. Sure. " Kappa continued to feed small bites to her.
" Aaaaahhhh!!! "
" Now what happened? " screamed Kappa with fright.
" Blow air on it before you feed me, nonsense! Are you intending to burn my mouth, stupid? " Freznel scolded him.
" Sorry, sorry! "
Kappa fed her another bite.
She remembered how she used to scold Marldon. She remebered the incident when Marldon scared her in the office while she was cutting the sleeves of the dress and she scolded him. Everything flashed back in her mind.
" Over. That's enough..." she said.
" Are you not hugry? " asked Theta.
She looked up to see his face and said, " No, I don't want to eat more. " She said as she bit her lips to control her tears somehow.
She drank water again, and the two men left her alone.
Darkness was her only friend in the cell.
After both of them left she bursted into tears, saying " Oh, my darling Marldon, I am missing you. " Soon, she dozed off to sleep. In her dreams she would see nothing except Marldon, and she would cry out his name softly in her deep sleeps.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey there Eros. It's just Lizzy dropping by once more, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin. I started to review the previous chapter but somebody beat me to it.
This is just a guess but the dead body in the previous chapter was probably Marldon. I mean she hadn't seen him since they were kidnapped and a dead body was found at her home. It was most likely her friend. Erwin figured out she had feelings for this other guy so he kidnapped her and killed the other guy. This is the most likely chain of events based on what I've read. If any of these assumptions are incorrect, please inform me of the mistake.
Hmm. I actually like how the story continues to turn darker. It makes for a much more interesting plot and gives you room to continue it for a long time. That's always a good timing to make sure of when planning novels. I've made the mistake of not planning things carefully out before.
One thing I would recommend is splitting the thoughts up more. You did good by putting them in italics but now I think it would be good to shift them to their own lines. Treat the lines of thought like lines of dialogue because they are pretty much conversations. Just one sided conversation involving one character. It avoids a lot of confusion unless you want to add in all of those 'he thought' and 'she thought' which get pretty annoying after a bit.
The two men that visit her every time seem like they will play a much larger part in the end. They are just the minor, henchmen right now but something tells me this will change. Their reactions to Frenzel don't seem quite right for the regular type of henchmen. They seem to be very sorry for her in their thoughts, like somewhere in the back of their minds they knew it was wrong.
That's about all I have for this review. I don't want to overlap too much with the previous reviewer so I'm going to stop now. Have a nice day.
Happy Review Day!
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs
Thank you so much for the review, Lizzy! Hmm... I'll do the changes reagrding the thoughts. And, yes. You are correct about the assumptions. Marldon is the dead guy, but Frez doesn't know about his death. Actually, she was told a lie that Marldon hs met with an accident, and this is how she was kidnapped.
Hey! It's me again!
I like the MC's humour! She(?) seems to enjoy teasing the guards- it's nice to see the character showing through.
So this novel must have several POVs throughout, because we're in a totally different location and surrounded by totally different people than chapter nineteen!
Honestly, my biggest thing for this chapter is just really let us know what's going through this girl's head. She's been raped- how does that make her feel? What is going through her head? What kind of things would that effect for her?- Maybe she doesn't trust men now? Maybe she hates the smell of strawberries? Let us know how she feels. We know she misses Marldon- but how much? Make us ache with empathy for her. Make us miss Marldon. What does she remember about him? What does she miss about him the most? I don't know why he's gone, but if it's because of anyone else- is she angry? Guilt-struck? Really paint a picture for us so we can relate to her.
"Yelled" and "sweetly" don't really fit together! XD It make me laugh though. Maybe the word you're looking for is "playfully"...?- if she's sort of teasing him. There's people I pretend I'm mad at to tease them
Another thing I found a bit odd was that the guard, Kappa, had to feed her... didn't they just untie her so she could feed herself? I don't understand how she'd need his help if she had a free hand. Also was it the guards that raped her? They might not have, but if they did I feel like she wouldn't be as comfortable with them, and wouldn't be joking around at all with them.
Over all I think you're doing pretty good! Keep it up!!! ^_^
-Socks
"Yelled sweetly" was to show that her voice was sweet even when she yelled.
Kappa had to feed her because, as I mentioned, the chapatis were too hard to break by her light fingers. It was also very thick and she did not have much strength left because she had not eaten anything for quite a many days...
Ah, yes. I'll add the feelings of Freznel here. Actually MArldon is the person who is dead and she doesn't know about his death. But she misses him because she remembers the incidents which I have menioned in chapters 6 or 7 or something around there...the teasing incidents of the cookies and the laughter in the office and the rains which brought the love...
Thank you so very much for the review! I'll try to add these things here again.
Hello there, Eros! This part was really sad, dramatic and heart breaking. At least they feeded her. These men do not look like a very bad people. Maybe only Erwin is the 'bad boy'.
Kappa is really adorable. She really kicked his ass with her sassy attitude. XD
Only several things I want to be double checked but everything else is okay for sure. I hope soon Marldon comes to save her. I think it will be interesting to show us more about him and what is happening with him in the next part. I hope to see the following part soon!
You do not need the comma before 'hung'.
No need of the comma before 'and' here but it is still optional. It is right this way, too.
'she would refuse thinking' read it out loud once.
You need to seperate these part. So we do not think "she refuses thinking?" then "oh,wait, she refuses to eat while thinking!"
Make it more understandable. Days passed by and every day there men would come and ask her to eat food but she refused to eat. She was only thinking..
Comma before 'she could'.
Isn't it 'hard rock'?
She can not say it to her heart. She can think about it or say it to herself.
Overall, good job and keep on writing!
Thanx! xD