The Terrible Youth of Freznel: 16

Hi there! I'm here to review your story. I'm trying to represent Team Monarchs here, so bear with me.

This was a short chapter, and that calls for a short review. I'm only saying that the review won't be as long because of the fact that there's not as many words to pick at. Don't get me wrong here, I like short chapters! (mainly because I can identify with the people that write them [because no one has writer's block like I do ])

This did have a large amount of dialogue. I'm not saying that's bad, because I write the same thing. But I've learned, that a little too much dialogue can tire the reader out, and doesn't give them the best description of what's going on. I did see however, when you weren't using dialogue, your descriptions were vivid enough for me to picture "the confidence in Zanjeer's green eyes".

One structural thing, when you use quotation marks (") they should be touching the first and last character in the quoted sentence. For example-

" Zanjeer, where is Marldon? "

The quotation marks should be touching the word "Zanjeer" and the question mark at the end. (since they are the first and last characters in the sentence)

I liked this. IT'S A CLIFFHANGER THOUGH RRRGGG. But I'll read on and find out what happens. Good job, and keep it up!

~Me, from Team Monarch

Hey there Eros. It's Lizzy back once more, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
You have quite a few chapters of this in the green room so I think I'm going to try and get to them all.

Once I got to this part, I was glad that I read one previous chapter. It helped me more than I thought it would. The story is definitely growing more mysterious and interesting. You have my attention now so o will most likely read the rest of this.

The fact you specifically pointed out Zanjeer leads me to believe he will play a larger part in this story. If you just wanted a random office worker, you could have just said 'He called in a worker.' Or maybe he doesn't and I'm guessin wrong. Tell me which scenario is right.

I know now that the formatting issues in the last chapter were probably from copying over. All of your quotation marks are one space off. This is another thing that doesn't really affect how the story reads. It just gets annoying after a couple lines of skipping back and forth.

Some lines of dialogue sound a bit funky. Like the line about Marldon's whereabouts. You need to find a way to reword that. Maybe something like...

But he has been absent since last week.

That sort of rewording makes the lines flow better together.

The dialogue is also very bland and shows little emotion. I really don't like dialogue tags but you might want to add in a couple just to comment on the characters' expression throughout the whole conversation. I noticed you did this later on but the beginning needs something too. The boss doesn't seem to react very much to the act two of his workers are missing. There is little emotion there and you need to add some.

I am liking to see where the story is progressing. I'll try and get to the next chapter as soon as I can. I wish your team good luck with their reviews.
Happy Review Day!
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs

King Here

Hello there!
Here to review your following 16th part. Zanjeer is kinda the interesting new character added as I see. A new male who will be in this story and who knows what will happen, right?
His personality and attitude is still a good mystery for me. In this part, all I can say is that you added a lot more of the mystery because we do not know what is going on and their boss is blindfolded about this situation. I found several things we can correct but they are not anything serious. I hope I understand more about the new male soon. Now, to the edits.

It was more than a week now, and Marldon and Freznel did not show up in the office. Mr. Mitsubishi Kenicha, the main boss of the Fraunhoffer Fashion House called Zanjeer, one of the workers in the office.

In the first sentence you do not need the comma. You need one comma in the second sentence though. It needs to be before 'called Zanjeer'. You add 'the main boss of the Fraunhoffer Fashion House' as an extra description of his and it needs to be surrounded by commas as something we put to be more detailed. Without it(the part surrounded in commas) the sentence still is right.

Sir, she too is not coming from the same date.

You can not use 'too' when we talk about negative statements. They are both not there so it is something containing 'not' or 'negative' in general. 'too' is used only when you say something postive. Example:

A: I love ice-cream!
B: I love ice-cream, too.

Correction: Sir, she is not coming since the same date either.
Also, I replaced 'from' with 'since'.

I went there, but the house was locked from outside.

You do not need comma here, though, I think it is not 100% wrong.

Mitsubishi explains Zanjeer.

The reader can understand what you mean by this sentence but it is wrong after all. The boss 'explains to' Zanjeer, not 'explains' the male. We can not explain other people. XD Surely, you forgot the 'to'.

And remember, I am going on a leave and I will arrive after two weeks.

I think your way is also right but 'I am going to leave' sound better? It is optional.


Overall, good job and keep on writing!