Before leaving for the office, Freznel remembered that she had to go to the Chocolate n Nuts coffee house. She kept in her mind that she had to tell about this to Marldon and ask for half day out of office to Mr. Kenicha.
She reached the office on time. Marldon explained another new task to her. This time she had to stitch all the one piece clothes of ladies which she had made in her sketchbook.
When Marldon had just finished explaining her the task and was about to leave, Mr. Mitsubishi Kenicha entered the cabin. Fright could be seen in Freznel's eyes, though the wobbly feeling in her stomach was not that intense as it was on the first day. Now she was getting used to seeing his fearful face. His abnormally big eyes still made her afraid.
" Did Mast. Marldon explain you the new task? " asked Kenicha in his usual, deep, bossy tone.
" Yes, sir. Mar--" She coughed a bit, and continued, " I mean, sir told me the task. "
Marldon understood that she coughed deliberately to hide her mistake of not calling him 'sir' in front of the boss. He coughed a bit to hide the smile from Kenicha.
" Freznel's cough tranferred to Marldon..." said Kenicha mocking lightly. Kenicha too, coughed as he laughed.
All of them laughed together.
This incident made Freznel to forget about the interview which she was going to have with Erwin. She started the process of tailoring and stitching her one piece ladies wear. The thought that she had to go to the Chocolate n Nut coffee house was vanished completely from her mind. She stitched everything slowly, and beautifully.
It was 4 o' clock and Marldon went to her cabin in order to make her return from her fantasy world to the real world. She was just, so absorbed in stitching the sleeve of the one piece, that she didn't even know when Marldon entered her cabin. He quietly went behind her and put his arms around Freznel's shoulders. She abruptly woke up from the work.
She got playfully angry at him and said, " Marldon! You scared me! What a disaster would have happenned if I'd have cut the neck instead of sleeves! "
Marldon laughed as she scolded him. He liked being scolded by her.
" You look so cute when you scold me! "
She beat him on his shoulders softly.
" Okay, okay... " he tried to stop his laughter. "Come on, we had to go back to home. Do you know what the time is? "
She glanced at the watch, and realized that it was quite late.
Marldon gave her a goodbye kiss on her cheeks which intantly reddened as she blushed. They left the office.
On the way to her home, she suddenly remembered that she had completely forgotten about the interview. When she reached home she opened her facebook. There was a message from Erwin. She saw the time when was it sent. It was at 2:00 p.m.
Freznel, where are you? Are you coming? I was waiting since 10 o'clock in morning. Four hours passed and still there is no sign of you... Are you okay? Anything troubling you? I didn't have your phone number also. All the other media men under me were ready. Even I was all ready with the questions. What happened? Are you still not believing me?
~Erwin
She quickly sent a reply:
Oh no, Erwin! I am really soo sorry. I went to the office. I am given a new task. I have to stitch 20 different dresses, and I was so absorbed in stitching that I forgot about the interview. I am so sorry, Erwin. I am absolutly fine. Don't you worry. And, I believe you, Erwin. Don't ever think that I disbelieve you. In fact I know you now, and you are not a stranger for me.
~Freznel.
After an hour or so, she recieved a reply:
It's all okay, Freznel. I never mind. It is all I am doing for you. No matter, if you don't have time, we can have the meeting on the coming Sunday.
She replied:
Yes. That'd be better. Let's meet on Sunday.
Lets see what happens next... Continue reading!
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Hey. AnarchyWolf here to review.
Now, this was an interesting chapter. I'll start with the positives. I do like your main character. She strikes me as a bit of a ditz, in the best possible way. She's not too annoying, and it's kind of refreshing to have a main character who's forgetful and slightly awkward rather than supersmooth, pretty and/or popular.
The chapter seems paced well for something so short. It counts in at about 710 words, but you've got the transition points within the chapter basically at the right times. You also use indirect speech a lot in this chapter. While it's something that 's not used much and can be an efficient way to cut down on dialogue, be sure not to have it too much.
Now, for what you can work on. Again - the indirect speech. "Marldon explained another new task to her." we could have gotten a lot of information from just a little bit of speech from Marldon. Dialogue is an important way to get to know non-POV characters - speech patterns and word choices give a lot away about people.
"...all the one piece clothes of ladies..." what exactly are you trying to say here? It takes a while to work out that she's making one-piece clothes for ladies, because you've phrased it so awkwardly. You don't need to have "... of ladies..." - it'd be much less choppy if you just wrote all the ladies' one-piece clothes or something using an apostrophe for possession.
"...cough tranferred to..."
Transferred.
"...one piece ladieswear..."
Ladies'
"...thought that she had to go to the Chocolate n Nut coffee house was vanished..."
Had vanished. The pluperfect tense is what's needed here.
"...cabin in order to make her return..."
Unless you want Marldon to come across as a total creep, I'd recommend rephrasing this. The way you're put 'in order to make her return' is not only very formal, which is kind of creepy in a work like this when combined with the next bit, but implies that come degree of force will be used on the girl to make her do something she doesn't want to. Try "... cabin to get her to come back..." or "... cabin to persuade her to return..."
"...know when Marldon..."
Notice would be better here.
" You look so..."
You don't need a space between the dialogue marking and the first letter.
"...which intantly..."
Instantly
"...her facebook..."
Don't forget the capitol letter and to put it into italics to indicate that it's a real-life brand.
Finally, the exchanges between Erwin and Freznel at the end seem almost wooden. The communication isn't as realistic as it could be. This is just a suggestion, but you could read over it aloud and think if it would really be what someone would say. Then, alter it to be 'average' and alter it again to your characters' personalities.
It's good, overall, and just needs a bit of tweaking before it becomes a shiny piece of writing.
-AnarchyWolf
Thank you soo much, AnarchyWolf!! I will surely edit this. xD
You're welcome
-AnarchyWolf
I did not even notice that you had released the tenth part already. I am really out of track recently. Anyways, I really felt curious because of the previous parts and I like that you did not rushed the meeting and made it far enough to let it be in the following chapter.
I like everything in general and I hope you keep on writing with your own pace as always.
Wanted to ask who this Mr. Kenicha is? Maybe I missed something out. Anyways, you can not 'ask for half day leave to..'. It makes no sense even if I get it. I understood what you meant because of everything around it. 'and ask for a half day out from...' is could be.
You do not need so many commas. Maybe the first on, yes, but without the second comma.
'..we had to go back to home'
You can go to a restaurant or other place. But not 'to home'.
Without the 'to'.
You do not need a comma there.
You had missed 'at' before the hour.
Overall, good job and I hope I helped.
Mr. Kenicha is that fearful Mr. Mitsubishi Kenicha--- the main boss of the fahion house. The abnormally big eyed man.
And, thank you soo much for the review!
Welcome.