Zelinsky discussed with his teammates about his meeting with the watchman.
" Zelinsky, but how can you say that Steward is the murderer? He just made a phone call from the coffee house... " said Hell..
" Hmm... I didn't think of this... You are correct, Hell. " admitted Zelinsky.
" We need to search for Steward soon. " said Volhard.
Zelinsky and Hell went into the coffee house.
" Do you know where is Steward? " Zelinsky asked the manager of the coffee house.
" Who is Steward, Sir? " replied the manager.
Zelinsky looked at Hell as moved his head towards the manager.
" You are the manager here. Still you don't know the names of your workers? " asked Hell.
" Oh! Ste-Steward? " the manager was sweating profusely.
" Yes, Steward. Where is he? "
" I-I don't know anything, sir. " the manager answered as he wiped off the sweat.
Zelinsky held the manager's neck and whispered in his ear, " Don't lie. "
The manager tried to free himself but failed. Zelinsky was much stronger than him.
" S-s-ssirrr!! L-eeea-ve m-y nneckkk, ssirrr! You-u-u arre k-kkilling m--eee!! ", the manager screamed in trembling voice.
Zelinsky threw him to the ground. The manager crawled a little to stop himself from tumbling down the slope and into the lawn of the coffee house.
" Get up, and tell me where is Steward. " Hell shouted at the manager.
" I am telling, sir... I am telling. Sir, Steward left the job a month before. He said that he got a job which offers him more money. But, he came here last night. He drank twelve pegs of beer last night... "
The manager narrated the incident which took place last night:
" Hey! You wetty cat, manager! Come here..." shouted Steward.
" How dare you talk with your manager like this?! " said I.
" Heyy! I left the job before a month... So, you are no longer my boss. You understand? " He replied.
"He took me aside, and showed me a small knife." narrated the manager.
" Shh-Shh--Shh... keep your bad mouth totally shut... or this kniife will be glad to kiss and hug your stomach tightly. " he threatened me.
"I was frightened so I thought it'd be better for me to keep quiet." He went on telling to the CID.
" Wh-what do you want from me? " I asked.
" Tomorrow I have a very important meeting. So, you have to make sure that you make this zone free from the mosqitoes--- "
" Hahaaahha! You are showing me a knife for such a silly reason? Hahhaaaa " I laughed.
" Shut up! I think you don't love your life... It is better to kill you ". He was about to stab me in my abdomen.
" Sor-rr-y, sorry... Don't kill me... " I dared not to even open my eyes.
" Good, good... Let me complete my sentence. You have to keep this zone free from the mosquitoes of the CID. Or else, be ready to make love with my knife. "
" Y-yes, I will do as you say. But please don't kill me. " I begged.
" Be like a good wetty cat. I won't harm you then. " he said.
" Hmm... okay. Don't worry. Nothing will happen to your life, manager. Let us see what this meeting is. " said Hell.
Zelinsky and Hell left the coffee house.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter The Terrible Youth of Freznel: 24Points:
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140,793 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hello again! You must be getting tired of seeing me!
So it's good they're getting some more information on what might have went down!
I'm a little concerned about this CID member... he's a bit forceful. There's no need for him to use violence in these situations but he does anyway. I don't like that because it's just not realistic. I'm not entirely sure what a CID is, probably some kind of crime investigator person
I found it really confusing that you switched to first person through that. I didn't even realize what was happening- I had to go back and read it over before I got that it was the manager telling them what happened. I'm not sure how you can change it... but probably if you leave it in third person it would be way less confusing.
You like to use "Sir" a lot. That's not a horrible thing, but it does get a bit old, considering everyone in your story says "Sir" like they're being paid to!
You're doing great though! ^_^ It's not easy to raise a novel and you're doing lovely!
-Socks
Hello, my friend! Nopes...I am never bored to see my friends reviewing again and again. Infact, I like it. What I thought is that anyone who holds a higher degree is called as a "Sir".
Zelisnky used violence here because he hates when people lie to him. He has a good face reading and knows who is telling the truth. He might'nt have used this if the manager was telling truth from the beginning.
Nice to see that you have recently spet a week with a police officer!! Great!!
Hey there! I'm here for a quick review on this lovely review day!
Overall, this isn't bad at all! I like you keep it kind of short and snappy in order to make the pacing feel quicker and move along faster.
I thought, instead of having the story be told in italics - because it just read kind of awkwardly for me, and can be a little bit confusing because that's not what italics are normally for - you could summarize it a bit more and do a little bit less of the direct dialogue. This is because people never remember exact conversations - he'd probably remember the most threatening things the other person said to him, but he wouldn't remember the whole conversation word for word. So instead, have him summarize it, and only quote a few lines of what was actually said.
Something that would probably be a good idea is more action/stuff between the dialogue. You summarize a lot of actions with just one sentence, which contributes to a choppy feel of the story. Also, describing your setting more would be helpful - for example, it took me by surprise when the manager almost tumbled down the slope of the lawn because I didn't know the lawn was sloped.
As far as the story goes, I don't have too much to say. I thought you did a good show showing how the two intimidated the manager, but I liked that they didn't actually do anything to him after he spilled.
Good luck with this, and keep writing!
Hmm... yes. I'll definitely do the editings and chage the dialogues into a summary. Well...the lawn wasn't sloped. There was a slope where they were standing. The manager tried to save himself from tumbling own the slope and into the lawn.
Thank you so much for the review, my friend!
Hello there! I did not notice that you had already released this part. A very interesting and amazing part. I hope you keep on writing with such passion and happiness. The story is going on very well and I hope to understand more about the murdering of her poor lover. Still can not handle his death. I hope she can handle it when she understand this fact. Anyways, only several nitpicks and suggestions. Good job.
'team mates' is actually 'teammates'.
In such a sentence you need to end with one fullstop, not several. You end it straight. You can use several dots only if it is in speech.
Example: I do not know, he just..... stopped talking to me and.....I feel horrible!
When we talk, we can make pauses and we mark them with dots for each pause, but when we say what the narrator is doing, we can not use that, at least here for only one verb. If there is more than one verb and the narrator does the actions with pauses, you can.
Example: He came closer to me..... and locked the door.
It is still weird but more acceptable
It is just not well connected with the whole situation. 'I didn't think this' sounds plain and unfinished. It is correct(65%) but it could be better. 'think of this' it needs to be. You just need one more word.
Do not use question mark here, use fullstop. This is not straight question.
Example: Kid, will you read the letter for me?
Stand up, kid, and tell me when you can read the letter for me.
When we say how long he is not having this job anymore we use 'for'. If you want to use 'since', you need to say the date or I do not know, details. It is just not okay for this sentence. You can replace 'since' with 'before'. 'He has been not working here since a month' is acceptable though.
I know that you explain it from his POV but in my opinion everything needs to be in third person again so it matches the rest of the story's part. The CID group members see this from another prespective and when the manager explains the meeting with Steward to them, it is in third prespective. If you start like this : "Then he told me that...I said..." And it is the manager's speech, then you can use first prespective.
This is now a new single sentence, it is the sequal of the sentence that had been started before the dots, so it needs to be 'it'. You do not need the capital letter there.
This does not sound like a obvious question really. I think if it starts with 'let us' or something like that, it needs to be ended with a fullstop. It is still with the same meaning.
Overall, good job and keep on writing.
Heyaa!! Strangely, I didn't get a notif when you reviewed this!
EXTREMELY sorry for such a late reply...
I have edited this, and thank you very much for the review!