Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Mr. Mitsubishi Kenicha was supposed to arrive after two weeks. He got three days late because of the heavy rains which continued for two days.
He went to the office the next day.
" Zanjeer, is everything all right? " asked Mitsubishi.
Zanjeer was lost in thoughts.
" Zanjeer? " asked Mitsubishi, trying to match eyes with Zanjeer.
" Y-yes, sir... did you say anything, sir? "
" Is everything all right? " Mitsubishi repeated his question.
" Sir-- Marldon and Freznel are absent till date. I am afraid. What if they are stucked in a trouble? "
" What? Absent till date? Oh, Lord! Go and check again in Marldon's house. "
" Y-yes, sir " Zanjeer hurried out of the cabin.
" Wait, Zanjeer! Don't go hurriedly. Take care of yourself and drive slowly. " Said Mitsubishi.
" Yes, sir..." replied Zanjeer.
After half an hour, Zanjeer called Mr. Mitsubishi Kenicha.
" Hello, sir. Marldon is still not at home. I am on the way to Freznel's house to check..." Zanjeer spoke on phone.
" Yes, yes! Go ahead. " he got a reply fom Mitsubishi.
In about an hour Zanjeer reached Freznel's house.
He sensed a creepy feeling when he entered the house. I don't know why. I am feeling strange here. Very odd... He walked even more cautiously. He went near the door. He touched the knob of the door handle.
It is open! He opened the door fully to gain an entry into the house.
He smelled a foul odour as he entered the house.
" Eww!! The smell is awefully dreadful! ", he mumbled as he ran his hands in the air, trying to move the smell away from his nostrils.
He stepped in the hall and looked at the surroundings. He could see the broken flower pot, the chair fallen down and the fashion books spread unevenly on the wooden table.
The books are of Freznel ma'am. And the scene suggests that someone has been trying to defend their own self from someone. He thought as he moved his eyes around the hall.
His shoes knocked the floor as his foot steps moved towards the bedroom. The awful bloody smell got even more intense.
Zanjeer saw the river of dark red, viscous, semi-dried blood flowing from the gap under the door of the bedroom. Zanjeer's green eyes widened and he was extremely horrified at the sight.
He summoned up the left over courage. The door opened making the creaking noice at the push of Zanjeer's trembling hands.
His face got expressionless and pale white palor spread on his face.
He saw a corpse lying on the ground, in the pond of blood. He did not dare to walk closer. Instead he moved away and gasped. He was all wet with sweat. His hands were shaking and legs were shivering.
He called Mr. Mitsubishi.
" S--s-s-s-sir...!!!....D--d--dead!! M-m--man!! Sir!!!! ", he screamed on the phone.
" Zanjeer! What happened to you? " Mitsubishi asked scaredly.
" S--ssirr!! In F-Freznel M---mmaam's house--- d-d-dead mmann!! Sirrrr!!! "
" What are you saying? I am confused! Wait there, I am coming. " replied Mitsubishi on the phone.
Soon, Freznel's three neighbours came running as they heard Zanjeer screaming on the phone.
Mr. Mitsubishi arrived very quickly at Freznel's house. He saw the three neighbours and Zanjeer sitting in the garden.
Two neighbours rubbed their hands on Zanjeer's shoulders, trying to relieve his terror. The third neighbour called the C.I.D.---Crime Investigation Department.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter The Terrible Youth of Freznel: 19Points:
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140,793 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Salutations!
Seeing as this is chapter eighteen of your novel, it would be inconsiderate of me to review it as if I were following it; obviously, I have no idea what the story is, how the plot has progressed, or especially who the characters are. Fortunately, I have devised a way around that: reviewing your writing instead of your story.
♦ In writing in general, you want to avoid repeating things, since they annoy readers. This isn't limited to nouns and verbs, for it also includes names. Whatever Zanjeer's gender is (it sounds male, so I shall assume that), it would have been better to replace his name with a personal pronoun ("He"). Of course, it would also help if you included the possessive pronoun, wouldn't it?
♦ Then again, perhaps a phrase such as "the addressed individual" or "said individual" would be more preferable, for it removes all possibility of confusion while also providing some variety.
In the previous paragraph, you already established Zanjeer has called the protagonist, so the last four words in the quote are unnecessary. Keep this in mind when writing in future, amd remember what I said about repetition. In fact, your readers could even get the impression you don't think they realise he's speaking on the phone, which will offend them.
A few tips when a frantic character is stuttering and screaming:
♦ There is only one hyphen after each letter.
♦ Each repeated letter must have its own hyphen.
♦ There is never more than one exclamation mark in any sentence, no matter how panicked the character is - it is unprofessional.
May this Sunday be pleasant one!
~ Hunter
I got even more curious! I hope you keep on working on this story.
Anyways, about this part, I think you had added the horror and tragedy theme in the story with this part? I like it, honestly. I start to understand more about the new male, Zanjeer, who you had added recently in this story. I feel like the boss and he are very in a very good relationship as boss and worker. I thought the boss is an always scary man but looks like he can be nice towards someone. I am curious whose that 'dead' bloody body may be. Well, I hope it is not really a dead body but who knows. If he is bad guy, he may die! XD Now, to the corrections you can make.
You do not need that comma before 'which' there. Everything else is okay.
Three day...so fast they fly by. XD
You need one small smaaaall comma before 'trying'.
You do not need to put a question mark there. I think it needs to be fullstop to end it or maybe, exclamation point.
Overall, this is all for this part. Keep on writing.
Yaay! I corrected them! Thank very much! xD