Young Writers Society

Hey again! Back for another review! C:

Ahah! It WAS Marldon who was murdered! I thought it was but I wasn't sure. Poor Freznel. :/

" The murderer is quite clever. He was wearing some kind of gloves when he did that. " said Hell raising his unibrow.

Zelinsky followed the location and he reached at the Chocolate n Nuts coffee house.

" Your brother-in-law here. Won't you open the door? " said Zelinsky.

" Okay, so the murderer is Steward. But how to catch him?..."

Hey Eros,

I have a few things I'd like to start with, so let's get right into it. First off, I think your dialogue is really good. You've got a good sense of voice and seeing as that's what you're composing most of this chapter with, that's a really good thing.

However, a story is more than just dialogue. When you're writing dialogue you've got to make it sound real like you are, but you also have to make the setting and situations real as well. We don't just magically have things done, and while it might be tempting to skip about once we get to chapter 22 in a story, it's going to be better for the story's overall flow to keep in the scene and show us what's happening. Don't just describe things like eye color, give us a setting, give us details. As a murder mystery, we need to see the details the investigators are seeing in order to determine if we're smarter than the investigators and feel their frustration when we don't know what's going on. That's how The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes really made it so popular. With Watson's point of view we have the medical know how and skill to see things from that perspective, but Mr. Holmes himself is so far above him that while we have the details written out, we need Sherlock to put two and two together.

Here, we aren't getting the details of setting like we should be, so we don't even have a chance to get into the story before it's moving on. This is one of the key differences between Role Play and story writing. We need paragraphs of support and details in story writing where we're in tune with the characters and seeing what they're seeing as a reader so we can be with the character when they make discoveries through internal or external thoughts.

If you fix that up, you should be pretty good. Also, not quite how you use quotation marks. You don't put a space between what is said and the quotation marks, that means if I said "Ee-gads!" I would have the quotation marks snugged up around what I was saying. It's sort of like when we're listening to music, you start the track with the first noise, not the first dead air. You don't want dead air on a track, not usually anyways.

Also, if you're making words like "law" slurred, it's helpful for the reader to use a speech tag saying that it was slurred language rather than just "replied" and "came a voice" which doesn't give us details about the speech style.

So overall, your dialogue is good, just tuck in your quotations so there's no space after the last punctuation mark or before the first word. After that, try working on describing the setting in creative ways that match the perspective you want to use.

Until next time!

Hey there, Eros! A very happy Review Day to you.

Nitpicks, nitpicks, nitpicks. I was debating whether or not to mention this but it annoyed me the whole time I was reading so I'm just going to get it out of the way now. Though probably just an error when pasting the work into Yewis, there are unnecessary spaces before and after every speech mark. " He grew emotional on seeing this photo. " Zelinsky showed him the photo. It just made it less enjoyable to read.

" But who might kill him? And how did he reach Freznel's house? " said Volhard.
In this sentence, you are suggesting that the dead guy hasn't yet been killed. The tenses just need to be changed to past tense throughout, so edit it to become this: But who might have killed him?

"My bro-rother in laa!!?? I am wopning the door, my laa, my rother, in!! " replied the watchman as he opened the door.
The thing I really like about this chapter is how believable your dialogue is. Your characters all come to life because of it. One character's speech that especially stood out to me was the watchman. You did a great job writing as a drunk person.

A suggestion I have to improve the chapter is to add in more physical descriptions. What is the weather like? What colours are the walls? Are there flowers within smelling distance? Little details like that can help to further immerse the reader. But overall, you've got a pretty well-written chapter.

King Here


WHAT?! Marldon is dead? I can not take it anymore. The emotions are killing me.
Anyways, very good part. I love it even if it was so dramatic and tragic. I hope this is not the truth and he is alive. Or at least she is okay. I saw some problems with this part but they are only small nipicks that we can correct. I hope you release the following parts as soon as possible. I am really curious. Now, to the edits.

He is M-Marldon Sir.

He could not control the river of water flowing from his green eyes.

Mitsubishi came outside on hearing the sobs.

destroying it's setting.

What are the results of the finger prints which we took from the door handles of the house?

It is of Freznel, because there is a miss call of Marldon here.

Wh-who are you? Don't behave so arrgatly here.

So, it is open ilt late night.

Sir, I-I-I don't know sir.

My bro-rother in laa!!??

Sir, Steward sir gave me money and asked me to give him entry to the telephone booth.

And we have to find out Freznel s soon as we can, otherwise she might loose her life too!