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Young Writers Society



The Terrible Youth of Freznel: 28

by Eros


Chapter 28: Failure to save Freznel.

There was no one around. The voice said again,” Erwin, I am here to take revenge. I am back. Marldon is back! Muahhhaahaha! Beware of me."

“Marldon! Are you alive? I myself told Steward to kill you…Then how did you---?" said Erwin.

"What are you saying, Erwin? You have killed my M-Marldon?" asked Freznel.

"Y-yes, Freznel. I asked Steward to kill him. But--but, how is he alive?" said Erwin in a shocked tone. Tears rolled down from Freznel's hazel eyes. She was shocked on hearing Marldon's death. Through the veins of her body, there flowed anger for Erwin.

"It was okay if you harmed me. But you murdered my love and you will pay for it."

"Yes.", inspector Zelinsky entered with the gun. He said, ”The game is over Erwin. You are an old criminal. You are arrested for the crime of three murders in the past and this new fourth one, and on top of that you have kidnapped a lady and made her your sex slave. All the crimes are out of the black curtain and you are asked to surrender yourself.”

"O shit! You fooled me!", said Erwin and he started to run. He stopped and stepped back when he saw Hell coming forward slowly.

“Put your gun down, inspectors. Otherwise…” Erwin removed a white remote from his pocket.

“What’s that?” asked Zelinsky.

“Hahahaha! This is the remote of the death of thousands. Ah, you know the Bloomdale Residence. There is a huge remote controlled cupboard inside that house. If I open that cupboard, the green coloured gas will be spread in the area. That area is quite crowdy due to the malls, museums and the cinema halls built over there. The green gas will kill everyone... everyone will die! AAAhhhhaaaHAA!! They will all burn with the pains and ultimately die! If you don’t want me to open the cupboard, just leave me alone with my angel.”

“Wait. How do we believe that you aren’t telling lies?” asked Hell.

“Dial---404088210 and say “Status”. I won’t waste the balance of my phone for fools like you, you know.”

Zelinsky dialed the phone number.

“It’s switched off.” said Zelinsky.

“Dial---211998883332.” said Erwin.

Zelinsky dialed the number and kept the phone on speaker.

“The number you have dialed is out of reach. Please try again later.” the tape of the phone spoke.

“We don’t have time to bear your nonsense phone numbers.” said Hell.

“Okay-okay. Cool down and relax. Dial this---227733444112.”

“Hello.” said the man on the other side.

Zelinsky looked at Erwin with a frown.

Erwin waved his palm up and down in the air.

“Status” replied Zelinsky.

“The place is crowdy. The cupboard is all right. We are keeping a strict watch on the Bloomdale Residence. Everything is ok. Just alarm us before you hit the remote.” said the man on phone.

“Thank you.” said Zelinsky as he cut the phone call.

“We still don’t believe you.” said Hell.

“Arrrghh!! You are irritating mosquitoes!! Just send one of your cats over there and get satisfied.”

Zelinsky messaged Jhallu, their secret detective to go and check the place. After some time he received a reply from Jhallu:

Yes sir. The info you gave is 100% true. I myself checked the place.

“O-okay, Erwin. Don't open the cupboard. We are leaving you.” said Zelinsky.

“First tell me how did you came here?” asked Erwin.

"Well, it's none of your business." said Hell.

"Okay then. Let me mind the business of killing people by releasing the green gas..." said Erwin as he touched the green button of the remote.

“Wait! Listen... we were in the coffee house when Steward met with his boss. We heard their talks and reached The Silver Peacock mansion. Hell got injured in the fight and was hospitalized in The City Care hospital. The flat nosed nurse over there made an attempt to kill Hell. So, we understood that she is one of your gangue. We caught her and asked her about the whole story. She told us about you being here with the kidnapped lady. But she didn’t tell us about the cupboard.”

“O damn that girl! She is so dishonest!! Anyways. Smart kids. But don’t try to be over smart with me. Otherwise the lives are gone…” warned Erwin.

He grabbed Freznel’s arm and left the beach.


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Mon Jul 18, 2016 6:32 pm
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Aley wrote a review...



Hey Eros,

I think you're writing this more for humor than seriousness in this section because of the rerouting of the phones and all of that. It is a cute way to handle a cliche situation. I just wish you'd have them actually use chemically sounding words instead of "green colored gas" because that's very anticlimactic.

As for errors, ""Yes.", inspector Zelinsky entered with the gun" you don't put a comma after quotation marks. Think about it like this; quotations are used to offset language. We can speak freely and clearly just by having "Oh wow!" and not having any tags after or before it, however, the stop in "Oh wow!" counts as a subordinate stop.

If you have something (Oh my god like this) then you don't put the end punctuation in the parenthesis, but outside of it because it's one sentence and it's all flowing together. Similarly if you have something with a period in a quotation, you're actually ending the entire sentence right there. If, however, you want to end the quotation and keep moving on with the sentence, you have to replace the period with a comma. "Yes," inspector Zelinsky entered with the gun. However, these are speech tags.

Speech tags mean that you're clarifying something to do with what is said, such as "Yes," inspector Zelinsky bellowed. Instead, these two things are separate statements. Inspector Zelinsky's sentence doesn't affect "Yes." so it should just be "Yes." Inspector Zelinsky entered with the gun. and then you move on with your story. No comma because it's not the same sentence.




Eros says...


Hmm...It's true. I'll edit this as soon as possible. You know, the college busy-ness. Thank you so much for the review, Aley, my friend!



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Sun Jun 19, 2016 1:36 pm
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Elijah wrote a review...



King Here

I am still kind of confused that he is talking about a cupboard as a very deadly weapon but I will just deal with this confusion by myself and accept it. I think the end was unsatisfying because I do not think they would let him leave so fast. I understand that they have no other choice but surely they would at least tried to save her and maybe he will be able to escape. I do not know. I had several scenarios in my head while reading from the middle to the end. I think I have no other complains but the usual ones that we see in each part.


Ah, you know the Bloomdale Residence. there is a huge remote controlled cupboard inside that house.


You need to start the new sentence with a capital letter. Maybe just you did not see that one.

“Hello”


You have the same mistake on one more place I think but I do not find a reason to repeat it more than that. You need fullstop.


“ The place is crowdy. The cupboard is all right. We are keeping a strict watch on the Bloomdale Residence. Everything is ok. Just alarm us before you hit the remote.”


This was noticed in other parts of the work also. You do not need this space at the beginning.


That is all from me. Keep on writing.




Eros says...


Oh, yeah yeah!! There is no comma error today! I think I am getting the conscept of 'comas' now.
Thx for he review! :D



Elijah says...


Do not make me double check. XD I am a devil I will find something.



Eros says...


Oh, nooo!



Elijah says...


XD




"Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein