Hello Eros,
So basically what I have to say is that I like parts of this, and I don't like other parts.
I like the idea of the plot. You have a good understanding of suspense and the dramatic monologue. Keep it up. I like hearing what's in the character's heads.
I feel like you're missing the story aspect in some of these areas however. Your writing is awkward for me to read. For instance,
"Hell is serious. He has lost too much of blood. We have removed the bullet which got stuck in the rib cage. We are happy that it didn't touch the heart. We are sure he won't die. But he is still in a serious condition."
You have this worded like Hell is in a serious mood, like he's seriously considering the ramifications of being shot. That just doesn't fit. It should have probably been "Hell is in serious condition" like you did at the end, however, I think you're using the phrasing wrong. Serious condition means they're not sure if the patient is going to pull through or not. It's touch and go. Their vitals might be strong, but they could drop out at any moment. Here, you're indicating that Hell is going to pull through, so that means he's not in "serious" condition, but he might still be in "critical" condition, or "Hell needs to be closely monitored to make sure nothing goes wrong for the next twenty four hours" or whatever the doctor lingo you want to use is, but you're sort of contradicting yourself.
They made quick actions as they didn't want any kind of delay. The ambulance ran speedily on the way to City Care Hospital. Hell was hospitalized as fast as possible.
[/b]The doctors operated upon him, immediately.[/b]
We sort of jump through this. I mean, it's one thing to suddenly be at the hospital with the characters, but you don't even explain who "they" are and we have to assume they're the hospital people. It's presumptuous to be in their heads as well. Of course they didn't want delays, they're dealing with a patient's life. Couldn't you convey this in a more meaningful, suspenseful manner, like having our main character asking questions and the EMTs spitting out a bunch of hospital jargon rather than answering? I really felt like this was anticlimactic. Same with the comma before "immediately" why is that there? There shouldn't be a pause unless "the doctors operated upon him" is the whole sentence, and "immediately" is supposed to go with something else like "immediately, he showed signs of improvement" but note the sentence structure there. Immediately coming first needs a comma, immediately coming last does not "He showed signs of improvement immediately." That's because immediately is attached to it's phrase [direct object] at the end, and a little out of place if it's at the beginning one, but still perfectly legal.
All in all, I think most of the problems I'm seeing are going to clear up with time and the more you read, so just keep trucking forward. Mostly, it's weird ways of saying things, like "went all the way through her cheek" when through means to pass through, like water on cloth, but things don't pass through cheeks like that, they travel down or on cheeks. It's that type of thing which you need to pay attention to and you'll find it comes naturally the more you read, so it would be pretty useless listing them all when you'll get there ^^
I hope this helps. Keep writing. I like it when you're not skimming over the scenes. If you need to skim, just skip.
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