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The Terrible Youth of Freznel: 26

by Eros


Chapter 26 : Hell's condition

Hell was lying down in the yard of the mansion, with his head and back supported by Zelinsky's strong arms.

"D-don't worry... I'm al--right, Zelinsky." Hell said with short breaks in the breaths.

"Shh--- don't dare to open your mouth. The bullet went straight into your chest and you are saying you are alright?", Zelinsky scolded Hell.

The ambulance arrived within five minutes. Hell was a very important person... a devoted officer and a true friend.

They made quick actions as they didn't want any kind of delay. The ambulance ran speedily on the way to City Care Hospital. Hell was hospitalized as fast as possible.

The doctors operated upon him, immidiately. Zelinsky and Volhard were waiting outside the operation theatre. A.C.P. Cannizaro arrived at the hospital.

Hell is my true friend. For me, he can even die with a smiling face... oh, Hell! I salute to your devotion!...thought Zelinsky.

The doctors came out.

"Hell is serious. He has lost too much of blood. We have removed the bullet which got stuck in the rib cage. We are happy that it didn't touch the heart. We are sure he won't die. But he is still in a serious condition."

"Thank you, doctor." said Zelinsky.

"It's okay," replied the doctor, "It's our duty to save the patients."

The doctors left. Hell was transferred to another room. It was a special room.

The team was standing outside the room.

"Only one person at at time. Avoid the room to get crowdy.", said the falt nosed nurse.

Zelinsky went inside first. He sat besides Hell. He gazed at Hell's right hand. There was a transparent wire attatched to his vein on the back side of his palm. The wire went up, into the bottle of blood. The transparent wire had become completely red with the blood which flowed down the bottle and into the vein. Hell lied on the bed motionless, still. Zelinsky's eyes grew watery. He felt the limp in his throat. Hell's condition was critical since he had lost too much of blood.

Zelinsky wiped off his tears and stood up to leave. He felt Hell's left hand holding the corner of his long Kurti style top.

There was no strength in Hell's hand. It felt as if a small one and a half year old child was holding it.

Hell still laid there, unconsiously. Zelinsky turned around, bent a little and freed the top from Hell's strengthless fingers.

Zelinsky left the room. He came out of the door with his head bent down to hide his eyes which grew watery again and again inspite of all the tries to hold the water back.

Volhard went into the room, and after her went A.C.P. Cannizaro. Hell didn't open his eyes for any one of them.

As they were about to leave, the forensic doctors, Dr. Rosenmund and Dr. Ozonolysis arrived.

"Oh, Miss Rose and Dr. Ozonolysis!" said Volhard.

"Yes, we heard about Hell being serious... so we came here to see him.", replied Miss Rose (nickname of Rosenmund as mentioned in the previous chapters).

Ozonolysis went inside the room. He saw Hell's body lying on the bed. He saw a white bandage with the red stain on his chest, the blood flowing drop by drop from the bottle, down the wire and into Hell's back side of the palm. The bandaged chest was moving up and down as Hell breathed through the ventilator.

At last he saw Hell's closed eyes and left.

Then Rose enetered. She went near the bed and sat on the stool kept besides it. She looked at Hell and tears rolled down from her eyes, all the way through her cheeks, passing by her soft pink lips, down the chin and finally falling down on the palm of Hell's left hand. The fallen tear brought consciousness to Hell. Hell's eyes opened very slowly. He saw the things vaguely. He blinked twice and thrice, and cleared the vision. He saw Rose sitting besides him. He had no strength to open his mouth. He could just see his charming lady besides him. Rose felt happy as she saw Hell opening his eyes. She was the lucky one who could see Hell with opened eyes. When everyone met Hell in the hopital, he was lying unconsciously. Hell was still sleepy and he couldn't stay awake for long. But before going back to sleep, he summoned some strength and moved his hand a little forward and held Rose's hand. Rose tightened the grip of her hand and held Hell's hand tightly.

"Get well soon, Hell" said Rose and Hell dozed off to sleep.

Hell felt sleepy because of the effects of the sedetives and the other medicines which were given to him through the injections.

Rose wiped off the tears and left unwillingly because it was the time for the flat nosed nurse to give him one last injection of the day on his hand.

Rose was a fairy for Hell. She was the queen of Hell's heart, knowingly or unknowingly.


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Mon Jul 18, 2016 4:17 am
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Aley wrote a review...



Hello Eros,

So basically what I have to say is that I like parts of this, and I don't like other parts.

I like the idea of the plot. You have a good understanding of suspense and the dramatic monologue. Keep it up. I like hearing what's in the character's heads.

I feel like you're missing the story aspect in some of these areas however. Your writing is awkward for me to read. For instance,

"Hell is serious. He has lost too much of blood. We have removed the bullet which got stuck in the rib cage. We are happy that it didn't touch the heart. We are sure he won't die. But he is still in a serious condition."

You have this worded like Hell is in a serious mood, like he's seriously considering the ramifications of being shot. That just doesn't fit. It should have probably been "Hell is in serious condition" like you did at the end, however, I think you're using the phrasing wrong. Serious condition means they're not sure if the patient is going to pull through or not. It's touch and go. Their vitals might be strong, but they could drop out at any moment. Here, you're indicating that Hell is going to pull through, so that means he's not in "serious" condition, but he might still be in "critical" condition, or "Hell needs to be closely monitored to make sure nothing goes wrong for the next twenty four hours" or whatever the doctor lingo you want to use is, but you're sort of contradicting yourself.

They made quick actions as they didn't want any kind of delay. The ambulance ran speedily on the way to City Care Hospital. Hell was hospitalized as fast as possible.

[/b]The doctors operated upon him, immediately.[/b]


We sort of jump through this. I mean, it's one thing to suddenly be at the hospital with the characters, but you don't even explain who "they" are and we have to assume they're the hospital people. It's presumptuous to be in their heads as well. Of course they didn't want delays, they're dealing with a patient's life. Couldn't you convey this in a more meaningful, suspenseful manner, like having our main character asking questions and the EMTs spitting out a bunch of hospital jargon rather than answering? I really felt like this was anticlimactic. Same with the comma before "immediately" why is that there? There shouldn't be a pause unless "the doctors operated upon him" is the whole sentence, and "immediately" is supposed to go with something else like "immediately, he showed signs of improvement" but note the sentence structure there. Immediately coming first needs a comma, immediately coming last does not "He showed signs of improvement immediately." That's because immediately is attached to it's phrase [direct object] at the end, and a little out of place if it's at the beginning one, but still perfectly legal.

All in all, I think most of the problems I'm seeing are going to clear up with time and the more you read, so just keep trucking forward. Mostly, it's weird ways of saying things, like "went all the way through her cheek" when through means to pass through, like water on cloth, but things don't pass through cheeks like that, they travel down or on cheeks. It's that type of thing which you need to pay attention to and you'll find it comes naturally the more you read, so it would be pretty useless listing them all when you'll get there ^^

I hope this helps. Keep writing. I like it when you're not skimming over the scenes. If you need to skim, just skip.




Eros says...


Thank you, my friend! I'll definitely correct the things and also I would re-read the chapters, once I get little free.



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Sat Jun 11, 2016 7:48 am
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Elijah wrote a review...



King Here

Hello there. Just checking on this part. I did not expect to see one more for such a short time after the release of the previous one yesterday or I do not know, it was quite soon.

I really like the description around the system operating around Hell. I think you had put much more detail there than in the actions the other around Hell are doing or thinking of doing. Mostly the others were described by one simple sentence which could be better. But I think you had focused over Hell in this part. And I bit over the woman he loves. With the left behind with my positives about this work, let's go to the edits.



"Shh--- don't dare to open your mouth. The bullet went straight into your chest and you are saying, you are alright?",


I do not think you need comma before 'you are alright' but I can understand if you want to let it stay. I personally do not pause there.


Zelinsky and Volhard were waiting outside the Operation Theatre.


You may be talking about a specifical one theatre but I think it does not need to capitalized because it is not the only one in the world.

"Hell is serious. He has lost too much of blood. We have removed the bullet which got stuck in the rib cage. We are happy that it didn't touch the heart. We are sure he won't die. But he is still serious."


This makes no sense just to point out straight ahead. You have it a bit more after this part also.
Hell is serious. Thta means he is a serious person who takes the things in that serious matter. It does not mean he is seriously injured. I think you had formed it wrong. But yes, the 'serious' thing is right but not formed well. You can say he is in a risky condition or a serious condition which will mean he is still slightly in danger, not for his life but just because he can not wake up and be healthy like before.

"It's okay." replied the doctor, "It's our duty to save the patients."


In this situation I think the comma is needed after 'okay'. You continue the speech.

The bandaged chest was moving up and down as Hell breathed thorugh the ventilator.


'thorugh' is 'through'.

Rose wiped off the tears and left unwillingly, because it was the time for the flat nosed nurse to give him one last injection of the day on his hand.


You can not have a comma before 'because' in this situation. I think that you can not part the sentences with a comma like two seperated parts because not all of them can be independent in this order.



This is all from me. Keep on writing.




Eros says...


Hmm... so I am still not good in the puctuation things, especially the comas. Okay. I challenge that I will try to minimize this error.
Thank you, king.



Elijah says...


Welcome.




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