E - Everyone

The Terrible Youth of Freznel : 14

by Eros

            Chapter 14 : The letter 

Marldon reached Freznel's home as he was asked by his lover. He found the door locked from outside. He put his hand on the forehead, and was tensed on finding the big, shiny, silvery lock hanging on the closed latch. 

Where would Freznel go in such horrible night?? And that too after calling me as she was afraid!?!! I am getting a creepy feeling as if something is wrong with her... Marldon thought as he wiped off his sweat.

He started searching for a big stone in the garden to break open the lock. It was too dark, so he used the flashlight of his mobile. He found a hard, rocky stone, and broke the lock. He entered the house and searched for Freznel everywhere, but in vain. He didn't sleep a wink that night. He walked in Freznel's bedroom thinking what could have happened. Hours passed by... The clock struck 12. The sound of wind could be heard, and within a few seconds, it began to pour down heavily. 

Marldon spend the whole night by gazing at the falling rain drops. He saw a faint image of Frenznel dancing gracefully in the rain. He went out to touch her. But the image vanished. He realized it was his fantasization. He realized that his eyes cheated his brain and his consciousness. 

At about six o' clock in the morning, he heard a knock at the door. He opened and found a letter kept under a heavy stone in front of the door. The letter was written in big, jagged handwriting on a paper which was smeared with dirt and dust.

Hey Marldon,

Freznel is with us. You dare not complain to the police. Otherwise, I will send you the sample of Freznel's blood, and all of her blonde hair. If you don't want me to harm her, you will keep your rotten mouth shut. My eyes are always watching you. Don't try to fool me, otherwise you will lose Freznel forever.

A tear drop fell from his deep blue eyes, making a wet circle on the pale parchment. He decided to keep shut but was determined to save Freznel.

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Raindeer
Review

Hi Eros!

A few nitpicks to start off with--

He was shocked.


I'm sure this can be a much stronger statement! How can us readers tell Marldon is shocked? Maybe his jaw is dropped and his eyes are wide, or his hands are clasped to his mouth? Showing the readers can make a work much more powerful!

Where would Freznel go in such horrible night??


How does he know she's gone? Wouldn't he have rung the doorbell or something?

At about six o' clock in the morning, he heard a knock at the door.


This is a bit sudden, maybe there can be some build up to it?

You dare not complain in the police.


I think this may sound better if it were "You dare not complain to the police."

A tear drop falls from his deep blue eyes, making a wet circle on the letter.


This sentence is in present tense but the rest is in past - one or the other! So, falls should be fell! I also think it maybe sound better if it were: "creating a wet circle on the pale parchment." It doesn't have to be pale parchment but something different than letter may be nice!

He decided to keep mum but was determined to save Freznel.


Mum? I think that's a typo. ;) Maybe "shut" would work...?

That's all the nitpicks for this chapter! I really enjoyed this chapter, I thought it was a nice break from all the chapters stock-full of dialogue. It felt much calmer but definitely was important to the plot!

And yikes, that letter! Very nicely written and I wonder what will happen to Freznel? I wonder how she is? Yikes.

Great chapter! Keep writing~!

~ EternalRain

Thank you so much dear EternlRain!
I have made some changes in the chapter and also tried to improve as you suggested. I appreciate and welcome your suggestions.
I am glad you liked it!
Thank you so much again! xD

User avatar
Elijah
Review
Elijah wrote a review · Mon May 02, 2016 3:00 pm

King Here

Hello there! I see this one is pretty short so this review will be not so short either.
Even if short, I still like this part even if it is not my favourite one from them all. i can feel the fear that he is feelings and the need of his to save her.
I will only go through the story again and see if we need something edited.
In the letter, I think you need to use 'compain to the police' not 'complain in the police'.
Yours still makes sense but I give you an option.


Where would Freznel go in such horrible night... and that too after calling me as she was afraid!

I think you need to put question marks instead.
Marldon thought as he wiped his sweat.

This is optional but I think it is better to say 'wiped off his sweat'.

He found one, and breaks the lock.

You need the comma in different situations. You do not need it here. Also, 'breaks' needs to be 'broke'.

Otherwise, I will send you the sample of Freznel's blood, and all of her blonde hair.

This part really scared, surely, as it scared him. Still, the best part.



Again, sorry for the very short review. I hope it at least helps. Keep on writing.

You call this a short review!? Then, what was that which I wrote for your chapters!? I really like your reviews.

Well, the part is short, so..

Still you wrote pretty much. I am amazed!

Well, thanks.



Look closely. The beautiful may be small.
— Immanuel Kant, Philosopher