At 4 o'clock as usual, Freznel left the office with all the other staff including the Manager. Mr. Kenicha did not wait for long. He would always go early.
The sky was a partly cloudy that day but the ground was still hot. It had been blistering too hard the previous days.
Freznel just left the office and was not yet too far from form it, when the clouds felt pity at the burning mother earth, and they shed tears heavily to releive the ground. Freznel was wet in no time.
Oh no! I am wet!! ...worried Feznel as she seeked shelter under a big banyan tree. The dark clouds hid the sun, making the 4:30 afternoon look like 8'o clock night.
Freznel looked at the pouring rains with an anxious look. Marldon stopped his black B.M.W. car in front of Freznel and asked if something was troubling her.
" Sir, I am worried as to how I'd go home... I don't have raincoat, and it is pelting down too heavily! "
" Oh, Freznel! Don't worry, I will drop you to your home. One of the maid would take your scooty after the rain stops pouring down.", said Marldon caringly.
" Thank you so much, Sir ". She sat in the car, shivering with cold. Her blonde, straight hair were whole wet shedding drops of water over her forehead, down her cheeks. She removed her handkerchief and wiped them from time to time. Marldon turned the regulator of the Air Conditioner to warm temperature to help her stop shivering.
Feznel looked in Marldon's blue eyes, and said " Thank you, Sir".
" Oh, Freznel... I feel quite uncomfortable when you call me Sir. Please call me, Marldon. "
" Thank you, Marldon. "
" My pleasure... Well, I want to tell you something, Freznel. I-I like your hazel eyes. I like how you work devotedly. I like your art. I like your nature. I like your presence... I like you, Freznel "
" Maldon, I like your rosy complexion. I like your kindness. I like your heart. I-I.. I may be liking you too... "
Marldon stopped the car in front of Freznel's house. Before leaving, their eyes were locked in, too strongly. Marldon could no longer subdue his feelings, and he finally spoke, " I love you Freznel."
Freznel still locking her eyes with Marldon's, replied, " I too, Marldon! " She was too shy to say love.
They loved each other immensely, and in the drizzling rain they confessed their love to each other.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hi again, Eros! Binge reviewing here ahah.
For example:
Just before I start more serious/real commenting, I just wanted to point out that there's no reason to put a space after quotation marks
That space before Marldon is unnecessary (oh also you spelled his name wrong
Anyway, I thought this was an adorable chapter! <3 I also loved the title and how it related so much to the story - with the rain and love.
However, as I stated in Chapter 5 I think, their relationship seems to be rolling waaay too fast. Perhaps Marldon picks her up out of the rain, and they kiss? Usually, "love" takes a long time and develops over time; yet here it feels really fast. The pace needs to slow done! What I really love about blooming romances is the awkward hugs, first kisses, sneaky lovey dovey glances, etc. But there's not much here! I think more cutesy things like that would be great to start off developing their relationship - even more awkward dialogue and scenes would work well.
If we ignore the fact that it's a *bit* too rushed, I just wanted to point out this little scene. Although absolutely adorable, it is a bit cringey - and I'm not sure if it's exactly realistic. In romance novels, you want to make sure you're on the right track of realism and is it authentic enough or is it just really... fakeish?
I love Freznel and Marldon together though! They're super cute. As much as you may want to get started writing on their romance, you have to take a step back and ask "Is this realistic?"
Great chapter! The rain and the car and the romance was all wonderful<3 I love how Freznel's character shows through because she's too shy to say the word love - that really builds character development!
Keep writing!!
~ EternalRain
Thank you so much EternalRain! I will surely edit this.
Did they do that or nah I am not sure to be honest but this is not the matter here.
I think you made it too cliché and rushed. You could make them a bit more.
At least for me, it was too early for them to be confess to each other. It happened too fast for me in the end. It did not seem real.
Now for the punctuation and all the jazz complains.
Kinda confusing it is here because you had started with 'it was..'
who was partly cloudy sky? No one. The sky is cloudy, right?
So, 'The sky was partly cloudy that day..'
'From form it' is surely a mistake you had made without actually thinking. If you write fast it happens to write something write and wrong. So you need only 'from it'. Also, 'releive' needs to be 'relieve'.
She is only one person, so she needs only one raincoat. I think it is better to say 'raincoat', not the plural version.
You do not need to write 'Air Conditioner' with capital letters. So, with small ones.
You need comma before his name.
[/quote]
This makes no sense but I think I know what you meant there. Instead of that, write 'I may be liking you, too/I may like you,too.'
Overall, good job and I hope you continue writing. I just saw you had released the 7th.
" I love you Freznel."
I too, Marldon!