z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Terrible Youth of Freznel: 1

by Eros


     Chapter 1: Freznel and her startling art

Freznel was an 18 year old girl. She was fair, slim and tall, with her soft, blonde hair always bouncing over her sholders. She lost her family in a car accident. She had no relatives, so she lived alone in the house built by her father. She had a talent of designing clothes. Clothes, for her was an entirely different world. A world full of fantasy, full of imaginations. This was a world whose queen was Freznel. She would get lost in the feel of the textile which she would rub against her long, slender fingers.The different colours of the cloth would bring a big grin on her face. She enjoyed the journey, the tour on which the clothes took her. The tour full of happiness. She studied hard day and night, practiced the stitching and sketching till she achieved perfection. She sketched models, and designed their net worked sarees, frilled skirts and casuals. The walls of her room were full of her paintings and sketches. Her eyes sparkled when she filled the blank sarees drawn on the paper with fine designs. After finishing, one could see the merry smile of satisfaction spread on her face, reddening her cheeks with the glow. Freznel was an artist born for fashion designing. Her art deserved appreciation. She secured degrees in first class in fashion designing courses.

One fine morning, she made coffee for herself and went outside into the garden. The garden had green, velvety grass and a round, aluminium table exactly in the middle. There was a red and white, polka dotted, big umbrella attatched to the table. Freznel sat on one of the four steel chairs under the cool shade of umbrella. On the table she kept the hot coffee, and began reading the newspaper.

The first headline read " A BUS ACCIDENT; SIX KILLED, 22 INJURED ". This headline reminded her of her family which was killed in a car accident. She just overlooked at the topics related to the politicians as she had no interest in it. She turned the page and her hazel eyes stopped at an advertisement. It was of a cloth company. She read aloud, " Vacant seat available for the post of designer in Fraunhoffer Fashion house, opposite to the Town Hall building. Talented candidates may appear for an interview with their biodata and/or portfolio. Hurry up! Deadline is 4th May 2016 ". She quickly opened the calender in her smartphone and saw the date. It was 2nd May 2016. As she made a move to keep her mobile on the table she realized that she had quite forgotten about the coffee which has now started to cool. She drank the coffee and went inside the house. She opened her cupboard, and started to file some of her best sketches, and wrote their titles in mind blowing, print like letters. She decorated the file with a red ribbon and wrote "Portfolio" in calligraphic handwriting on the file. Then she made her biodata ready with all the documents of her degrees in various fashion courses. She looked at the clock. It was 8:30 a.m.

" It is not late yet... I can go for the interview today itself! ", she said with a beam of happiness. She opened her wardrobe, and wore the chocolate brown jeans and her favourite blue top. She herself wrote "Fashion" with white acrylic paints on this top in decorative font style. She clutched her blonde hair as she looked at her image in the mirror. There she was, perfectly dressed. She sang the morning prayer in front of God. She then went in the hall, in front of a portrait. In the portrait there was her mother, father and the childhood photo of her older sister. This photo was taken before the birth of Freznel. The photo that was made into a portrait had fresh flower garland hung around it. Freznel joined her hands in front of it to seek blessings from her beloved family. A black watch rolled around her thin wrist and a fake golden chain dangling around her neck. Dressed in this style, she left the house.


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Mon Jun 27, 2016 7:21 pm
Holiday30 wrote a review...



Hi! I enjoyed this read, I really liked it, although I will say the MC confused me. She seen something in the paper that reminded her of her families death and skipped over that, but then went to the picture and asked her dead family members for a blessing....I would defiantly love to know whats up with that. I also love how you spelled color, which leads me to believe one of two things. You are either British, or the main character is. Either way I am going to continue this story, it seems like a good read, and I am sure I will enjoy it.




Eros says...


Oh, thank you so much for such a lovely review! I am glad that you liked it. Well...I am not British, so take it the other way. Yes, you will surely enjoy reading the novel.



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Mon May 09, 2016 9:26 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



I'm a bit bored of poetry at the moment so I thought I'd try some prose instead...

Specifics

1. I think the introduction is too standard - the description of the girl doesn't make me interested in her because it's the tradition 'meet orphan x' introduction and I'm not invested in her enough yet to care. I think it's always better to start with some action or a strong exchange of dialogue.

2.

She had a talent of designing clothes.
This is a bit awkwardly phrased, it should be 'a talent for'.

3.
Clothes, for her was were an entirely different world.


4.
The different colours of the cloth would bring a big grin on her face.
This line doesn't really work and is too much telling instead of showing. Instead describe more about how she feels about the colours.

5.
She sketched models, and designed their net worked sarees saris, frilled skirts and casuals.
Again in the next line as well. I think it is written as 'sarees' in other countries but in English it's saris.

6. I'm not sure if you can get a degree in fashion - isn't that a vocational course? I'm not one hundred percent sure but it's certainly not common and I'm not sure how likely it would be that a university near her father's house just happens to have the course. Also, how is she paying for it? I think there's a lot left unanswered.

7. You don't need to repeat how her family were killed so quickly and you skim over the article too fast - how does it make her feel? Does she want to put the paper down? Tear it up? Does she turn the page quickly or linger?

8. I'm not sure what a biodata is.

Overall

This story feels very flat at the moment and it may be because I don't have enough interest in fashion, but I didn't feel invested in the character or the plot. I think there needs to be at least another character and some dialogue to help the pace move faster but I also think you could lose big chunks of this chapter and instead of giving back-story, start with her looking through the paper. You can describe the character to us later at a more appropriate time and the reader will be more interested in the story if it starts with a bigger event.

All the best with this,

~Heather




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Sat May 07, 2016 4:32 pm
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DivergentDemigod wrote a review...



hi there eros! its me reviewing your work as promised...!!!

first as i already told you i love this work of yours!
i dont have much to say about it... cuz i dint actually find much to criticize or oka wait..i found something... not much though...

Spoiler! :
Freznel was an 18 year old girl. She was fair, slim and tall, with her soft, blonde hair always bouncing over her sholders. She lost her family in a car accident. She had no relatives, (i seriously think that a coma would be more appropriate here) so she lived alone in the house built by her father. She had a talent of designing the (i dont think "the is required here) clothes. Clothes , for her was entirely a different world ( recplace it with was an entirely diffrent world. ). A world full of fantasy, full of imaginations. This was a world whose queen was Freznel. She would get lost in the feel of the textile which she would rub against her long - slender fingers.The different colours of the cloth would bring a big grin (i think smile would be more appropriate here) on her face. She enjoyed the journey, the tour to ( on ) which the clothes took her. The tour full of happiness. She studied hard day and night, practiced the stitching and sketching till she achieved perfection. She sketched models, and designed their net worked sarees, frilled skirts and casuals. The walls of her room were full of her paintings and sketches. Her eyes sparkled when she filled the blank sarees drawn on the paper with fine designs. After finishing, one could see the merry smile of satisfaction spread on her face, reddening her cheeks with the glow. Freznel was an artist born for fashion designing. Her art deserved appreciation. She secured degrees in first class in fashion designing courses.


okay so thats all! i loved this and am looking forward to read the rest of your chapter... see you again at the review box of you next chapter!
phangirl~




Eros says...


Thank you so much, phangirl!! I have fixed that. May I please ask you how you have written the text in colours? It looks really cptivating!! :D





used bb codes u can too





used bb codes u can too



Eros says...


[bb] Using bb code [/bb]



Eros says...


How do I use that???





uh its like [color= whatever colour u want][/color]



Elijah says...


*just stalking*





*smacks your head*



Eros says...


Yeah!! :DThank you !!



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Thu Apr 28, 2016 4:45 pm
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Gymnast2801 wrote a review...



Hi! I just read your story and it was very good! I like Frezal a lot.
Here are things to work on:

Throughout the whole chapter you mainly focused on Frezal's feelings and thoughts. It was a little boring so I would recommend either shortening that or adding in another person to have a conversation with. Although I will say that the parts of the chapter flowed very well together.

There where some grammar mistakes but nothing that can't be fixed.
Example:
One fine morning she made coffee for herself and went outside in the garden.
Correction:
One fine morning she made coffee for herself and went outside, INTO the garden.

Example:
she realized she had quite forgot about the coffee which has now started to cool.
Correction:
she realized THAT she had had quite FORGOTTEN about the coffee which HAD now started to cool.

Example:
The photo was clicked before Frenzal was born.
Correction:
The photo was TAKEN before Frenzal was born.

Otherwise, this was very detailed and enjoyable to read. Again, I feel that less thought and more human interaction would make this chapter more interesting but that is just an idea.




Eros says...


Thank you sooo very much for helping me improe my grammar. As English is my second language, I am not that good in grammar. Thank you soo very much! :D :D



Gymnast2801 says...


No problem Eros ;)



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Wed Apr 27, 2016 4:50 pm
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Charm wrote a review...



Hey! Here I am finally to review your work finally! I hope this review is satisfactory! This review might be a little short since I'm very busy and short on time. But that does not mean I won't try and give you quality information, reactions and advice to your work.

First Impression:
The paragraphs are extremely long and I see quite a few of grammar issues.
You again are having the issue with show don't tell. You told me everything about her in the first paragraph and that is disappointing to a reader. I want to find out on my own. Also try adding better vocabulary words to make the sentences more interesting. I have to say I felt like the work was very direct and choppy. For example this is what I feel like it felt like:
She saw a cat in the window. She walked towards the cat and smiled. "Little cat, why are you in my window?" The cat meowed and jumped down back into the floor and left the room.
compared to:
When Emily turned around she saw something particular. There was a black cat with bright green eyes like limes sitting in the window of her parent's shop. Slowly Emily approached the feline and smiled, "Little cat, what are you doing here?"

The cat let out a meow and leaped down from the window, leaving the shop. The bell on the door ringed and soon left Emily in silence and awe at the randomicity of the day.

Grammar/Suggestions:
You need to break up your paragraphs and you need to add proper grammar to your dialogue. For example:
"The first headline read " A BUS ACCIDENT; SIX KILLED, 22 INJURED ". "
Grammatically correct:
"The first headline read, A BUS ACCIDENT; SIX KILLED, 22 INJURED. "
This isn't dialogue therefore it should not be in quotations.

"It is not yet late... I can go for the interview today itself!""
This doesn't make sense.
"It's not late yet... I can go to the interview today!""

Please try and read your work out loud. I think that will help it improve.
Well that's my review! I hope it helped in some way,
Alice ♥




Eros says...


Thank you for the review, Alice! I'll definitely keep this mind when I describe the other characters in the consecutive chapters. I'll describe them gradually and eventually. Please, will you hit the like button?! Please....?....



Charm says...


I'm sorry, Eros. I don't think it'd be far for me to like it just because you are my friend. I only like things that leave me awestruck. Again, I'm sorry.



Eros says...


That's fine, Alice xD!



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Wed Apr 27, 2016 12:08 pm
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Elijah wrote a review...



King here

I am here to check and enjoy your lovely work. I will tell my honest opinion and ways to correct some parts of this work. So let's start with what I like in this story. I like the tittle and the unique name of the main character of yours. Overall, I could say I love the way you describe her and her appearance. Unfortunatly, I have negative things to say, connected with the detailed information you are giving us, the readers, but I will say this into the second part of this review. I will now tell you what I think of it, one by one, so we can look through it all.



Editing Zone


Freznel was an 18 years old girl. She was fair, slim and tall, with her soft, blonde hair always bouncing over her sholders. She lost her family in a car accident. She had no aunt or uncle. So she lived alone in the house built by her father. She had a talent of designing the clothes. Clothes for her was entirely a different world.


1.This is the beginning. For me, at least, it is pretty boring, to be honest. But I know you are full of talent, so I continue reading. You always start your stories with this basic description.
Actually, you always start with the hair. I think you need to try something new. You give information, so we can imagine the girl you are talking about, yes, but do not overdo it. You do not need to say 'She had this this and that'. You do need to tell us what she is like. You can show it by creating scenes and just being detailed. Let the hair tell my itself ( even if it sounds weird), do not make us look at this only by informating us about it. You do not need that much details about the hair or whatever to make us understand. Talk about her posture, face..not only her hair.

2.The second thing I want to say about this beginning part.
'She had no aunt or uncle.'
I like that you tell us about the relatives of hers and what situation she is in, but still.
The next sentence 'So she lived alone...' I understand what you want to tell us that she has no one to help her and live with her, so she needs to live alone.
But it will be twice hundred times better, if you could replace this sentence with something, showing us that she has no relatives ( if this is how it is). When I read the aunt/uncle sentence, I thought 'What about grandpa..grandma? What about every other posibility that there is? Does she has no other from her family or she just do not have aunt and uncle?' and many other questions. So this part is confusing me. You can be more detailed in this part, so we understand the whole thing. At least, here we do not need mysteries. if she has no relative, say it this way. Because if you say she lives alone, that means she has no one else to live with.
3. 'shouders'it needs to be.


A world full of fantasy, full of imaginations. This was a world whose queen was Freznel. She would get lost at the feel of the textile which she would rub against her long, slender fingers.


I like the sudden appearance and show of this 'new world'. It was pretty unexpected. I think you can put a comma in the second sentence, before 'whose'. This is still optional, of course.
'lost at' is wrong the way it is used.'..lost in..' is what you need to change it with. Comma before 'which'.





She studied hard day and night, practiced the stitching and sketching till she achieved perfection. She sketched models, and designed their net worked sarees, frilled skirts and casuals. The walls of her room were full of her paintings and sketches. Her eyes sparkled when she filled the blank sarees drawn on the paper with fine designs. After finishing, one could see the merry smile of satisfaction spread on her face, reddening her cheeks with the glow. She was an artist born for fashion designing. Her art deserved appreciation. She secured degrees in first class in fashion designing courses.




After you had used 'and' twice, you need to put a comma before each 'and' used (without the first, from the second ) so you seperate the parts of the sentence properly.
'She studied hard day and night, practiced the stitching, and sketching, till she achieved perfection.'

The first headline read " A BUS ACCIDENT; SIX KILLED, 22 INJURED".



If you are going to put space before starting the sentence, put the space when you end it, too.
" A BUS ACCIDENT; SIX KILLED, 22 INJURED "


This headline reminded her of her family which was killed in a car accident. She overlooked at the topics related to the politicians as she had no interest in it. She turned the page and her hazel eyes stopped at an advertisement. It was of a cloth company. She read aloud, " Vacant seat available for the post of designer in Fraunhoffer Fashion house, opposite to the Town Hall building. Talented candidates may appear for an interview with their biodata and/or portfolio. Hurry up! Deadline is 4th May 2016" She quickly opened the calander in her smartphone and saw the date. It was 2nd May 2016. As she made a move to keep her mobile on the table she realized that she quite forgot about the coffee which has now started to cool. She drank the coffee and went inside the house. She opened her cupboard, and started to file some of her best sketches, and wrote their titles in mind blowing, print like letters. She decorated the file with a red ribbon and wrote "Portfolio" in calligraphic handwriting on the file. Then she made her biodata ready with all the documents of her degrees in various fashion courses.


Now to review this long part. I will just edit it, you can ask me if you are not sure of something. Also, you can not say 'print like letters', but you can 'paint/print the letters' or 'write the letters'.


'This headline reminded her of her family, which was killed in a car accident. She overlooked at the topics related to the politicians, as she had no interest in it. She turned the page and her hazel eyes stopped at an advertisement. It was of a cloth company. She read aloud, " Vacant seat available for the post of designer in Fraunhoffer Fashion house, opposite to the Town Hall building. Talented candidates may appear for an interview with their biodata and/or portfolio. Hurry up! Deadline is 4th May 2016" She quickly opened the calander in her smartphone and saw the date. It was 2nd May 2016. As she made a move to keep her mobile on the table, she realized that she quite forgot about the coffee, which has now started to cool...... '





"It is not yet late... I can go for the interview today itself!" She said with a beam of happiness. She opened her cupboard, and wore the chocolate brown jeans and her favourite blue top. She herself wrote "Fashion" with white acrylic paints on this top in decorative font style. She clutched her blonde hair as she looked at her image in the mirror. There she was, perfectly dressed. She sang the morning prayer in front of God. She then went in the hall, in front of a portrait. In the portrait there was her mother, father and the childhood photo of her older sister. This photo was clicked before Hazel was born. The photo then was made into a portrait Fresh flower garland was hung around the portarait. Freznel joined her hands in font of the it to seek blessings from her beloved family. A black watch rolled around her thin wrist and a fake golden chain dangling around her neck. Dressed in this style, she left the house.



'It is not yet late..'
I think it is better 'It is not late yet..'.
I can go for the interview today itself!"


If you want to use 'itself',
then put a comma after today. If you can change 'itself', remove it.

She clutched her blonde hair as she looked at her image in the mirror.

This is the way I want you to 'show' us what she is like. The thing I said in the beginning about the appearance, it is here. Good job.


The photo then was made into a portrait Fresh flower garland was hung around the portarait. Freznel joined her hands in font of the it to seek blessings from her beloved family.



'The photo then was made into a portrait.'
It needs to be 'The photo, that was made ....'.
'..in font of the it to seek blessing..' needs to be '..in front of it/the portrait to seek blessing..'.

Overall, I like the beginning (the whole work as part one), so I hope to see this continued.
Good job and keep on writing so we, the lovely readers, have what to enjoy.




Eros says...


Hi GreatKing!! Thank you soooo much for the review!! :D
Hmm... So I'll do the necessary changes, and remove all the typo-istic errors. Thank you soooo very much again! :D
One request, please... will you hit the like button?...please? You'll make me happy if you do so...



Eros says...


Thank you sooooooooo very much King!! :D :D :D :D



Elijah says...


I liked it already. You are welcome.



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Wed Apr 27, 2016 11:23 am
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Jyva wrote a review...



>Freznel was an 18 years old girl.

18-year-old.


>She was fair, slim and tall, with her soft, blonde hair always bouncing over her sholders.

you spelt "shoulders" wrong.
this is the absolute worst way to give description about a character, man. optimally, you'd be unobtrusively be sneaking it in during dialogue, or a moment of observation (not by the character being described.)


>She lost her family in a car accident. She had no aunt or uncle. So she lived alone in the house built by her father. She had a talent of designing the clothes. Clothes for her was entirely a different world.

same deal with exposition here.
"designing the clothes"?
your sentence structure here is terrible - six sentences in a row that are exactly the same.


>She enjoyed the journey, the tour to which the clothes took her. The tour full of happiness.

the last sentence is superfluous, since you just said "she enjoyed the journey".


>One fine morning, she made coffee for herself and went outside in the garden. The garden had green, velvetty grass and a round, aluminium table exactly in the middle.

velvety*.


>There was a red and white, polka dotted, big umbrella attatched to the table. Freznel sat on one of the four steel chairs under the cool shade of umbrella. On the table she kept the hot coffee, and began reading the newspaper.

hot coffee hadn't been mentioned before this.

i'm sorry, but this is some of the most bland writing i've read in my life. everything is stated plainly and flatly, with no figurative language or emotive words to add any spice to it. it's the literary equivalent of eating rice with nothing else.


>The first headline read " A BUS ACCIDENT; SIX KILLED, 22 INJURED". This headline reminded her of her family which was killed in a car accident.

holy mother of exposition, please guide this poor soul into your loving light


>She overlooked at the topics related to the politicians as she had no interest in it.

uhh. okay. that's it. "okay." why is this even here?


>She turned the page and her hazel eyes stopped at an advertisement.

that's how i would put description in. thank you.


>It was of a cloth company. She read aloud, " Vacant seat available for the post of designer in Fraunhoffer Fashion house, opposite to the Town Hall building. Talented candidates may appear for an interview with their biodata and/or portfolio. Hurry up! Deadline is 4th May 2016"

1. nobody would read that whole thing aloud. unless established as an eccentric character who'd do that type of thing, they'd murmur small parts of it that stand out at the most. some would just read it silently.
2. you need a full stop at the end.


>She quickly opened the calander in her smartphone and saw the date.

calendar.


>It was 2nd May 2016.

"It was the second of May."
you actually don't even have to directly state the date - just say that she had two days left.


>As she made a move to keep her mobile on the table she realized that she quite forgot about the coffee which has now started to cool.

these details aren't relevant to the story. remove.


>She drank the coffee and went inside the house. She opened her cupboard, and started to file some of her best sketches, and wrote their titles in mind blowing, print like letters. She decorated the file with a red ribbon and wrote "Portfolio" in calligraphic handwriting on the file. Then she made her biodata ready with all the documents of her degrees in various fashion courses. She looked at the clock. It was 8:30 a.m.

mind blowing, print like letters. wow. really giving me a good picture of what she's doing here.
you're referring to your character using only "she". it's boring. what about her name - freznel? use those opportunities to slip in more description of her, too.




Eros says...


Hmm... so I should avoid describing her in the beginning itself. Instead, I should describe her in-between the story like I described the eyes... Isn't it? Like I can describe her hair when she gets ready. This way? And the date is mentioned in the mobile style as she is looking it in the mobile. And I told that she made coffee for herself and went into the garden. It is understood that she took the coffee in the garden to drink it and read the newspaper in the fresh atmosphere.
And yaaay! the spelling mistakes was just a typo. I'll correct them.

And regarding
>As she made a move to keep her mobile on the table she realized that she quite forgot about the coffee which has now started to cool.

these details aren't relevant to the story. remove.
, I think that readers would say what did she do with the coffee? I wanted to create the story to sound realistic. So I included the finest possible detail in here. It was my personal view, anyways.
Thank you soooooooo much for the review and I am very happy that you liked it. :D :D :D :D
And ya! I should use her name removing some of the so many 'she's. Isn't it? xD



Jyva says...


oh you did mention the coffee? sorry I must've missed it x.x



Eros says...


Doesn't matter.xD.... and, please please.... will you hit the like button? please... I'll be very happy if you hit it. please??...



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Wed Apr 27, 2016 10:45 am
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TribeofArt wrote a review...



I like the concept it's pretty fresh and different from the usual ones! Also the way you describe all the little stuffs so attentively haha. Freznel seems like a really beautiful perfect girl, I'll love to see more about her, but maybe you can cut out some of the descriptions like for example for the garden it's quite long, but of course it's based on personal taste so I bet bunch of people love long descriptions makes it easier to imagine the scene. I said that because the amount of descriptions had actually instead made the story seem a little bit awkward, how to do I say this, like the flow when reading it is not that smooth? A lot of sentences are also started with she so it makes it likes an essay combined with separate sentences instead of a one piece. Of course these are just my own thoughts so it's actually really okay i bet the others don't even realized this kind of puny things haha. The beginning of the story also seemed a bit weird, I know that it's because you're introducing the character but it's kinda weird to mix a few different things about her in one paragraph. Other than all these stupid don't need to be even noticed stuffs I love the beautiful atmostphere in the story, it's like everything's so sunny and peaceful. Anyway good job overall don't worry what I said! Good luck in your next chapter and I definitely will love to review you again!

Until next time~
Cheerio <3




Eros says...


Thank sooo much for the review, TribeofArt!! :D Will you please you hit the like button? It will make me smile a little... please?



TribeofArt says...


sure =)



Eros says...


ohhh!!!!!!! Thank you soooooooooooooooooo much!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D!!!!




“Though lovers be lost, love shall not; And death shall have no dominion.”
— Dylan Thomas