I dove.
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Upon entry, I instantly knew that the water wished to welcome me. It embraced me, closing over me with sheets of refreshing kindness.
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Gentle waves caressed me, blooming from stillness and watery silver. The water danced above me as I abandoned the air for the crisp freshness of watery cold.
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Droplets reached for the sky above me after I entered the abode of shining, graceful wetness. What their dream might be -- reaching the clouds -- intrigued me. Could I swim as deep as the beads of water could fly?
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With my new wish to reach the abyss of gentle darkness that was the deepest deep, my limbs began to fly slowly through the water. I used my arms and legs to propel me gracefully into the arms of the deep blue.
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I moved gently so not as to hurt or disturb my new friend, Water. Water and I really grew close. What a friendship! This new home my friend had given me truly suited me amazingly. Fleet as a dolphin but graceful as a whale, I hugged Water goodbye.
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My lungs, being quite foreign to Water's dancing wave parties and deep, striking light shows, began to tug me up to Water's opposite. Though some may argue, I believe I truly soared that day more underwater than in the air.
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Afraid that Water might fight for me to stay, I was surprised when she softly lifted me up, up, up. The twilight-loving dancers lifted me and twirled me around. It was quite the performance. I would show the world again and again the secret beauty and skills of the wave dancers if it weren't for their humble shyness.
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Air intruded quite rudely into my lungs. Air has always been quite selfish for attention, but I suppose breath is one thing I need. My hands closed upon... concrete.
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I pulled myself onto the ground and out of the water. I missed swimming already, but hey, it's just the public pool. Nothing too special that I can't visit again.
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137,681 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
Hi Em101cats,
This is a great piece of poetry. I love how you create the tension between water and air. How water is calming and welcomes you, and air is harsh and violent. One thing you might want to change is the word watery in the second stanza. The way you use it sounds awkward to me. One way you might rephrase it is:
Gentle waves caressed me, blooming from the still silver surface. The water danced above me as I abandoned the air for the crisp, chilling, flowing cold.
Of course this is just my opinion and you don't have to use it, but I feel it just sounds less awkward than watery.
I'm sorry this piece was stolen from you. Most of the YWS community is kind and supportive. Truthfully the only reason I joined this website was because of their copyright protection for each author. I hope the moderators helped you solve your problem.
Overall this is a nice poem. And as always, keep writing.
-Incohesive Scribbles
Thanks so much for the review and suggestions! The fake copy was taken down thanks to the site moderators. I'm not exactly sure what they did to the account of the person who stole the work, but I have a feeling the person has made other accounts. Thanks for the concern; I'm glad the problem was taken care of and that things like that are so rare around in this nice community.
Hey em101 cats I was the one who copied your work.BUT I still can use this sitewith different username. Hehe
Before I go and contact a moderator again, please tell me why you did this. It was pointless, not to mention it being so rude.
It's too bad that this piece ended up being stolen from its rightful owner. This is a prose poem, which is a type of poetry. I love certain phrases:
"refreshing kindness"
"blooming from stillness and watery silver"
"Air intruded quite rudely into my lungs"
I also love how you personify the water as a friend and the waves as dancers.
You have a way with words, and this piece is a prime example. I really like the way you make the words seem living, like they have personality inside their own systems. The universe of this poem is complete, the distinction between inside the pool and outside the pool is crisp, and the tone of the poem clearly distinguishes a love of writing and water. Well done! I hope you keep writing!
Thank you so much for the compliments! It warms me reading these kinds of reviews!
Just a notice. A user of YWS by the name of siddharthnair has plagiarized this work. He/she rated it eighteen and up to keep me from finding it was my work there. (I am under 18; far from being close to 18.) This work here is the real one, I can assure you; this work was posted minutes before the other one. The plagiarism was poorly done as well; the title was kept the same (Public Pool) and it is simply a picture of my work pasted into their work and published. It is, however, an edited photo with their name photoshopped to replace my username. I have contacted a global moderator of the site for help and was notified that everything would be fixed soon. The copied work is still up as far as I know and I want to assure all of you that this work is mine and mine only and that all rights are reserved for my writing. Stealing my writing will result in consequences set by the moderators of the site and I will contact someone when needed without hesitation. Setting an age rating above my level won't keep me from finding it either; I am mature and can handle content that is far from my age so I won't be afraid to check and make sure that the title being the same is just a coincidence. Remember that my work is mine only and publishing it under your username is an issue under copyright that can and will be dealt with by a moderator of the website. Thanks for noting.
I like this, but I'm don't think that it is poetry...
In the fourth to last paragraph, there is extra space between "lungs," and "being." Also, the sentence "Though some may argue, I believe I truly soared that day more underwater than in the air." has a strange wording. Maybe you could say something like "Though some may argue, I believe that I truly soared that day under the water more than in the air." instead. But even with that, I'm honestly not so sure...
Also, in the paragraph after that, it might be better to add a "that" between "Afraid" and "Water".
Nice imagery! Swimming is great!
Thanks for the suggestions! This was quickly written down in a little journal and I didn't quite take much time to look it over, so I'll do that now and fix that stuff. Thanks for the review! And yes, it is!
Oh, and also, I couldn't decide what to put it as, but I guess I was thinking that not all poetry must rhyme and be written a certain way. But I will change it if needed.
This came to me at a pool party, believe it or not. Reviews appreciated! Thanks!