Here I stand
Alone in the dark
As the rain pours down
And the light never shines.
You try to comfort me
But I am beyond healing
For what you did to me
Was too much for me
To handle.
My broken heart
Lays in shards
Among the shadows
Of sad memories.
You turned
And you left
As the rain beat down
On me and not you.
Now you and I
Are faded parts of
My soul, forever.
Forgotten by most.
But always remembered by me.
Why?
Why do my teardrops
Mix with the rain?
You, that is why.
So watch me cry
As you think about
The mistake you have made.
...
I still love you.
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139,456 Literary Works • 672,567 Reviews
This is really cool, but just to say, it's a poem. Not a short story . . .
"But I am beyond healing" This line just sounds too needy. A lot more needy than the rest of the poem. If you know what I mean.
"To handle." I don't think you need to "stop" the flow here. Take out the period.
"You turned
And you left" You should take out "And you left" because they really don't add to each other.
"My soul, forever." Maybe you could go to another line for "forever."
"Why?" Eh, again, too needy, too moody. It stops the flow.
"I still love you." Try to end it another way. It's a bit cliched.
Aside from that, this was really beautiful. I love the emotion and flow in the piece, and I love the fact that you don't use stanzas. I really need to write something like this
If you change those few things, this poem will be great! Good job!
Alex out!
Thanks for the suggestions! About the short story thing, I clicked the wrong genre and it won't let me change it. Sorry 'bout that.
kk
Emo101cats, there should be an edit option, click on that, then click save/publish (I don't remember which one it is) but then you should come to a page where there is a link that says, "set options for this work" or something like that.
Click on that, and you should be able to change it to poetry somewhere in there.
If you still can't figure it out (I wouldn't blame you, since I didn't do a very good job of explaining) then PM me and I will fix it for you.
I don't mention grammar or punctuation in my poetry reviews. There is no point since most of the time when I see an error, it is intentional on the authors part.
I love how you go on an on about the mistake and how it is etched in your heart and you cannot forget it, yet at the end you confess that you still love your wronger even though they did what they did. I think that this was really beautiful.
I also think that it should be broken into stanzas, but more often than not when it isn't that is again the choice of the author. I just think it will make the look of the poem a little neater if it wasn't so run-on, but that's just my opinion.
If you like it that way, then keep it that way.
Happy Review Day!
~Teen~
SORRY ABOUT IT SAYING SHORT STORY I MEANT POEM AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX THAT XD