Before me stands an empty canvas
That represents our love.
Blank, it stands tall but not proud.
Nothing shall happen until a future is painted.
*
Before me stands a little table
Holding the paints of future.
Our love depends upon the bright colors,
Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet.
*
Shakily my hand picks up a brush
And dips it in sunshine yellow.
A rising sun or a setting sun
Is what my mind tries to decide.
*
Shall the love end like the hazy sundown
Or thrive brightly like the sweet sunrise?
My mind tumbles and tumbles as I paint the circle
Representing the golden, glowing sun.
*
I suppose it's a question meant for you
For I don't know the answer.
Tell me, love, do you hate me or love me?
For you are the one to decide.
*
The canvas stands there, with a golden sun
Right upon the middle.
The rest of the painting remains a mystery
Until you tell me what to paint.
*
"Paint a brilliant sunrise,
As bright as it can be."
Are you sure that's what you feel?
Are you sure that that's the truth?
*
Now, I know you were pretending
Not really a true lover.
Now I have chosen
A sunset, dim and hazy.
*
You have lied to me.
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140,819 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hi Em dogsrule5 here. I really liked your poem and thought it was one of a kind.
The title captured me into reading it. I love the romance and how she cant decided about the sunrise and sunset painting until she realizes that her true love has lied to her and that she has decided to paint a sunset.
I love the dramatic parts. I love the words that you used to described how she feels. I love the sadness when she says you have lied to me.
The punctuation is great and so is the spelling.
The stanztas were in order with four lines to one.
You know what I mean.
Anyway this was awesome.
See you on the site.
Dogsrule5
P.S. If you get the chance read my book Lost Magic!
Thanks! I will definitely read Lost Magic!
Okay you are an awesome friend
Hi there, Em!
What drew me to this was the title. It sounded really interesting, and I think you've got a nice subject here. I really like your ideas and your images.
Now, this poem isn't perfect-- no poem is-- so I'm going to offer you some suggestions to make it better.
My first advice is to make this shorter. Lots of things you say can be said in fewer lines. Cutting down on how much is in the poem doesn't mean you have to skimp on content. You take your time describing things in front of you, but it would be better to use one or two powerful words to describe something rather than using a bunch of less powerful words that drags out the description.
For example, you say
But you could choose to be more economical with your word choice and say something like this:
Be economical with your word choice and you will have a much more concise and finished project.
My other suggestion I have is to trust your readers a little more. I liked this poem, but there certainly was nothing for my brain to fill in. Don't explain the symbolism so bluntly in the beginning, especially about the canvas. Also, the rhetorical questions near the end of the poem don't really add anything to the poem.
So perhaps instead of saying
you could say something like That gets the same ideas across, but it doesn't spell it out quite as obviously for the reader.
I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Nice work, and keep writing!